Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Embracing the longing without the outcome

Taruni Tan
Patient
May 7, 2012
Share
Tweet
Share

I’m not sure when I stopped missing my husband. I suppose familiarity crept in after 7 years together and I rarely felt the pining, agitated pain of separation that I relished in the early days of our passionate love.

Running our restaurant from waking to sleep, 6 days a week meant that we were rarely apart. So JP had become as familiar to me as my 4 limbs, an essential part of my body that I neither missed nor noticed as long as it was executing its functions.

At first I congratulated myself for reaching this mature phase of our relationship, free from the giddying peaks and troughs of new love. I appreciated the emotional equilibrium and the predictable dialogue we exchanged distractedly during our busy days. But a quiet, niggling part of my mind started to suggest that something bad would germinate from the economy of attention I gave to JP and our marriage. While there was truth in this, I didn’t enact change because I thought the worst thing would be separation, unlikely to happen because we were happy and I still loved him deeply albeit passively. Looking back I believe this voice was warning of the days to come and so it was that we were deafened 3 years later by the ferocious howl of a brain tumor.

Glioblastoma multiforme is an impressive tumor. Its microscopic cells infiltrate the tiny pathways between the brain matter and despite 20 hour surgeries to remove visible cells, they hide, escape and grow back to kill their victims eventually. The oncologist didn’t say terminal during our first consultation but I wish he had, it would have placed boundaries on my fervant optimism.

Ironically, that tumor propelled my stagnating love to heights I’m certain I couldn’t have reached without it, instantly curing my emotional lethargy. The fear of losing JP produced raw vulnerability, as fearsome a monster as the tumor, exposing every moment to interrogation by stark emotional reality. I ached with pity for JP’s suffering and clung to every moment that time wrenched out of our grasp. I fixated on finding positive outcomes, I wanted cures, treatments and reassurances. JP’s disappearing future elevated every desire beyond the realms of normal longing into tortured helplessness and if I had coalesced the complex maze of outcomes and answers I was chasing into one unifying desire, it was that I wanted more time.

Before the tumor I didn’t know what to do with nor did I contemplate the time I assumed we had. There was just endless time with no urgency to respect or cherish it. The tumor changed this, eliciting panic and anxiety but also heightened commitment and attentiveness. It dropped a steady anchor that pulled me back to the present to breathe in JP’s existence and save it up to sustain me for the rest of my life.

Shrinking time transformed my marriage and even though JP passed away, I can’t be angry or saddened that the results weren’t different. Because he left, I couldn’t fall back into a state of indifference. I will always miss and long for him. The memory of our intense love during those last few years is never tainted nor satiated so it is preserved and alive in me.

I keep vigilant however to escape the trap of longing for outcomes and guarantees because I want to embrace longing without the outcome. I’ve made friends with unpredictability and I’m at peace with missing JP. I don’t want that longing to go away even though it hurts. I’ve learned that in loving this longing a thousand futures revealing a million opportunities beckon and all can be embraced reverently because the aim is not to fulfill any of them but to experience the journey on which you travel to discover their end.

Missing JP is exquisitely painful, but as I continue to endure it’s solemn power it reveals gleaming sparks of ecstatic spiritual longing that lead to transcendence and in such moments, I taste in longing, the essence of God.

Taruni Tan is a music therapist. 

Submit a guest post and be heard on social media’s leading physician voice.

Prev

Minimize reactance in your health organization

May 7, 2012 Kevin 1
…
Next

Look to technology to reduce health costs

May 7, 2012 Kevin 3
…

Tagged as: Oncology/Hematology

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Minimize reactance in your health organization
Next Post >
Look to technology to reduce health costs

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Taruni Tan

  • a desk with keyboard and ipad with the kevinmd logo

    Death has made me more resilient

    Taruni Tan
  • a desk with keyboard and ipad with the kevinmd logo

    After grieving and healing: Transformation

    Taruni Tan
  • a desk with keyboard and ipad with the kevinmd logo

    What meaningful encouragement can be given to someone who is dying?

    Taruni Tan

More in Patient

  • AI’s role in streamlining colorectal cancer screening [PODCAST]

    The Podcast by KevinMD
  • There’s no one to drive your patient home

    Denise Reich
  • Dying is a selfish business

    Nancie Wiseman Attwater
  • A story of a good death

    Carol Ewig
  • We are warriors: doctors and patients

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • Patient care is not a spectator sport

    Jim Sholler
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why flashy AI tools won’t fix health care without real infrastructure

      David Carmouche, MD | Tech
    • Key strategies for smooth EHR transitions in health care

      Sandra Johnson | Tech
    • 2 hours to decide my future: How the SOAP residency match traps future doctors

      Nicolette V. S. Sewall, MD, MPH | Education
    • Reassessing the impact of CDC’s opioid guidelines on chronic pain care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • When the diagnosis is personal: What my mother’s Alzheimer’s taught me about healing

      Pearl Jones, MD | Conditions
    • Why Medicaid cuts should alarm every doctor

      Ilan Shapiro, MD | Policy
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • How scales of justice saved a doctor-patient relationship

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • My journey from misdiagnosis to living fully with APBD

      Jeff Cooper | Conditions
    • “Think twice, heal once”: Why medical decision-making needs a second opinion from your slower brain (and AI)

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Tech
  • Recent Posts

    • Why some doctors age gracefully—and others grow bitter

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • Why removing fluoride from water is a public health disaster

      Steven J. Katz, DDS | Conditions
    • What the research really says about infrared saunas

      Khushali Jhaveri, MD | Conditions
    • How the cycle of rage is affecting physicians—and how to break free

      Alexandra M.P. Brito, MD and Jennifer L. Hartwell, MD | Conditions
    • Why ADHD in adults is often missed—and why it matters [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Dedicated hypermobility clinics can transform patient care

      Katharina Schwan, MPH | Conditions

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 8 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why flashy AI tools won’t fix health care without real infrastructure

      David Carmouche, MD | Tech
    • Key strategies for smooth EHR transitions in health care

      Sandra Johnson | Tech
    • 2 hours to decide my future: How the SOAP residency match traps future doctors

      Nicolette V. S. Sewall, MD, MPH | Education
    • Reassessing the impact of CDC’s opioid guidelines on chronic pain care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • When the diagnosis is personal: What my mother’s Alzheimer’s taught me about healing

      Pearl Jones, MD | Conditions
    • Why Medicaid cuts should alarm every doctor

      Ilan Shapiro, MD | Policy
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • How scales of justice saved a doctor-patient relationship

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • My journey from misdiagnosis to living fully with APBD

      Jeff Cooper | Conditions
    • “Think twice, heal once”: Why medical decision-making needs a second opinion from your slower brain (and AI)

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Tech
  • Recent Posts

    • Why some doctors age gracefully—and others grow bitter

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • Why removing fluoride from water is a public health disaster

      Steven J. Katz, DDS | Conditions
    • What the research really says about infrared saunas

      Khushali Jhaveri, MD | Conditions
    • How the cycle of rage is affecting physicians—and how to break free

      Alexandra M.P. Brito, MD and Jennifer L. Hartwell, MD | Conditions
    • Why ADHD in adults is often missed—and why it matters [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Dedicated hypermobility clinics can transform patient care

      Katharina Schwan, MPH | Conditions

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Embracing the longing without the outcome
8 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...