Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Welcome to planet medicine

Bevan Johnson, MBA
Education
April 21, 2017
Share
Tweet
Share

Welcome to planet medicine, where four rides around the sun earns you a golden ticket to study more, to train more, and to enjoy splicing two sacred letters onto the end of your title. The days are long, the weeks go fast, and sleep is optional. In this world, all-star draftees leave their immaculate collegiate careers as masters of memorization and intellectual puzzle solvers only to still be no more qualified to check a pulse than a two-year-old. Day one is the first and last day you will ever wear your pristine and spotless white cape — soon to be decorated with pen marks, coffee stains, and HIPAA-protected body fluids. It all begins as you shuffle down the dark and silent hallways into the medical abyss to embark on what seems like an endless journey. Correction. It is, in fact, endless.

After months and months of studying the geographical lay of the human body, you will impressively confirm it contains a heart, a brain, and occasionally a six-pack of kidney stones. You will go on to hunt for nerves, break nerves, memorize nerves, and nerves will get on your nerves. Once in the cranium, you will study the brainium. It’s no easy task to unravel the intricate and downright confusing array of synaptic fireworks that orchestrate life as we know it. The experience of the brain studying the brain is truly a great honor. Nowhere else in the solar system does this sort of conundrum occur — except in any introduction to neurology class, or in any twelve-year-old who has ever thought about what they were thinking about, or in 2010 when the film Inception was released. But besides these few scenarios, it will be entirely exclusive to you. Research shows it’s twice as amazing as a hospital operating without coffee. See no references at the end of this article.

On planet medicine, what was normal before is no longer normal now. The more drugs you can fit in between your ears, the more heroic you become. Instead of receiving a recommendation for rehab, you receive a high grade for pharmacology. Rather than exhibiting the usual side effects of a typical drug abuser, medical planet residents are often found talking to themselves, banging their heads on desks and other hard surfaces, and cycling viciously through labeled white index cards. At high doses, these individuals may even interrupt their procrastination sessions to actually study — very rare. Treatment for this includes lying horizontal for long periods at a time, which allows for the slow leak of knowledge out of the ears. If the individual prefers to remain vertical, bars will sell them mysterious liquids that promote head shaking and sideways walking — allowing for moderate ear leakage. This vertical method is known to have some adverse side effects.

Similarly, sports are completely different on planet medicine. As time passes, you increase your participation in full contact clinical skills. Day one you prove to have strong Wi-Fi contact; next you learn good eye contact, and finally, you partake in full contact. Unlike in other sports, where opposing teams are allowed comparable equipment and swagger, the rules here allow the provider various weapons while the patient is given a gown and insurance number. In most cases, neither team wears a helmet — except orthopedics, where you can’t tell the difference between an astronaut and a surgeon. Another point of difference is through the use of gloves. While other sports aim to catch things with their gloves, planet medicine sports attempt to avoid things with their gloves. Research suggests Chuck Norris is predominantly responsible for this evolutionary divergence.

At the end of four long decades (equivalent to four Earth years), you are finally ready to return to the world as you previously knew it. “No more studying” — not true. “No more long hours” — definitely not true. “And no more complaining about school” — true, residency is now your chief complaint.

So why do brave young souls hop on the inter-synaptic, intergalactic neuronal train that only stops at 911 Medical Avenue? It’s simple. Neurological, cognitive behavioral research concerned with alpha, gamma, and Alabama neurons shows that subsets of the human population that are geared toward altruistic maintenance of the human condition would markedly attenuate their self-actualization by pursuing any other vocational endeavor. Although none of this is necessarily proven or true, it’s as clear as cataracts.

The reason someone gets off the train at planet medicine and chooses to ride the solar cycle four times, to complete the cell cycle one trillion times, and to never understand the Krebs cycle even one time is different for each person. The opportunity to avoid a real job for four more years might be the seller, the chance to be part of the world of medicine may seem stellar, or the ability to heal others could be the propeller. But in all cases across the spectrum, the individual has sensed a significant calling to serve others (p-value: <0.0001). This person isn’t afraid of trauma, disease, or the uncertainty of what may come through the doors. He or she is driven by passion, curiosity, and caffeine.

Bevan Johnson is a medical student.  This article originally appeared in the Synapse.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Larry Nassar and physician misconduct: No more code of silence

April 20, 2017 Kevin 3
…
Next

The far-reaching consequences of medical school debt

April 21, 2017 Kevin 5
…

Tagged as: Medical school

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Larry Nassar and physician misconduct: No more code of silence
Next Post >
The far-reaching consequences of medical school debt

ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

  • How social media can advance humanism in medicine

    Pooja Lakshmin, MD
  • The difference between learning medicine and doing medicine

    Steven Zhang, MD
  • From online education to frontline medicine

    Diana Ioana Rapolti, Deepika Khanna, Vivian Jin, and Shikha Jain, MD
  • Medicine won’t keep you warm at night

    Anonymous
  • Delivering unpalatable truths in medicine

    Samantha Cheng
  • KevinMD at the Richmond Academy of Medicine

    Kevin Pho, MD

More in Education

  • How I learned to stop worrying and love AI

    Rajeev Dutta
  • Why medical student debt is killing primary care in America

    Alexander Camp
  • Why the pre-med path is pushing future doctors to the brink

    Jordan Williamson, MEd
  • Graduating from medical school without family: a story of strength and survival

    Anonymous
  • 2 hours to decide my future: Why the NRMP’s SOAP process is broken

    Nicolette V. S. Sewall, MD, MPH
  • What led me from nurse practitioner to medical school

    Sarah White, APRN
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Why doctors are reclaiming control from burnout culture

      Maureen Gibbons, MD | Physician
    • How community paramedicine impacts Indigenous elders

      Noah Weinberg | Conditions
    • A physician’s reflection on love, loss, and finding meaning in grief [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • How medical culture hides burnout in plain sight

      Marco Benítez | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • A physician’s reflection on love, loss, and finding meaning in grief [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How fragmented records and poor tracking degrade patient outcomes

      Michael R. McGuire | Policy
    • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • How I learned to stop worrying and love AI

      Rajeev Dutta | Education
    • Understanding depression beyond biology: the power of therapy and meaning

      Maire Daugharty, MD | Conditions
    • Why compassion—not credentials—defines great doctors

      Dr. Saad S. Alshohaib | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Why doctors are reclaiming control from burnout culture

      Maureen Gibbons, MD | Physician
    • How community paramedicine impacts Indigenous elders

      Noah Weinberg | Conditions
    • A physician’s reflection on love, loss, and finding meaning in grief [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • How medical culture hides burnout in plain sight

      Marco Benítez | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • A physician’s reflection on love, loss, and finding meaning in grief [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How fragmented records and poor tracking degrade patient outcomes

      Michael R. McGuire | Policy
    • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • How I learned to stop worrying and love AI

      Rajeev Dutta | Education
    • Understanding depression beyond biology: the power of therapy and meaning

      Maire Daugharty, MD | Conditions
    • Why compassion—not credentials—defines great doctors

      Dr. Saad S. Alshohaib | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...