I am no longer terrified of COVID.

I’ve seen its death. I’ve seen it take the breath from someone’s lungs. I’ve watched it shut down kidneys. I’ve walked the halls of an ICU with pumps outside the room, and patients turned upside down. I’ve heard the code blues. I’ve passed an endotracheal tube through vocal cords. I’ve squeezed air into suffocating lungs. I’ve broken ribs doing chest compressions. I’ve sent electricity through hearts no longer strong enough to beat.

I am no longer terrified of COVID.

I am not scared for myself. I am scared for our children who are too young to be vaccinated. I am scared for our medically fragile populations. I am scared of the potential long-term health consequences of those who do recover. I am scared because a Google search today means more than a medical degree. I am scared for a future that further divides people. I am scared for the evolution of viruses to come. I am scared because people seem to care more about lies, propaganda, and distrust than about taking care of one another. I am scared we are failing at the golden rule.

I am no longer terrified of COVID.

I am weary. I am weary of defending science. I am weary of sacrificing time with my family. I am weary of the mistrust and disrespect of medicine. I am weary of misinformation. I am weary that our hospitals are filling up with people who made a choice to not get vaccinated and now want a miracle. I am weary that we don’t have a miracle. I am weary of the evolution of a virus that wants to survive at all costs. I am weary that we don’t seem to want to survive at all costs.

I am no longer terrified of COVID.

I am proud. I am proud of scientists. I am proud of health care workers. I am proud of business owners who continue to do the right thing. I am proud of those lining up to get vaccinated. I am proud of mask wearers. I am proud of the truth. I am proud to have a voice. I am proud I have the courage to use my voice.

I am no longer terrified of COVID.

I have hope. I have hope that vaccination rates will increase. I have hope that our hospital admissions will decrease. I have hope that my children will know a future without masks. I have hope that you will hear my voice. I have hope that you will trust my education and experience. I have hope that if you have been on the fence, you will do the right thing. I have hope that you will find the courage to use your voice. I have hope we will find rest.

I am no longer terrified of COVID.

Britney Bowling is an anesthesiologist.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com