Language is the architecture of our perception. It impacts the way we experience ourselves in relation to others, the moments that make up our daily lives, and why we emphasize one input while ignoring others. I first learned this in a linguistics course that explored the difference between, for example, “I dropped the book” in one language versus “the book fell from me” in another. This shows up in intimate relationships and in part explains the cycle elucidated for work in an emotionally focused therapy (EFT) approach in couples counseling.
As indicated by its label, EFT focuses on emotions, those sometimes harbingers of trouble referred to as triggers. While emotionally focused therapy cultivates skills in pausing to reflect before conflict arises, it pays little attention to the origins of those assumptions that fan the flames. Skills learned in an EFT process help choose a different path instead of fortifying the wedge between intimate partners. It also helps in reconnecting to earlier feelings of love and caring. But how do people who initially fall in love find themselves so angry and disappointed with each other over time?
As a therapist, a first task is to identify points of tension and work to understand each point of view and its origins. Additionally, understanding how perspectives serve as protection is key prior to beginning the work of helping each to better understand the other. This is challenging because couples usually present after a long history of anger and disappointment, and entrenched feelings can be extraordinarily difficult to redirect.
Each member of the couple must feel heard and understood, must not feel overtly abandoned or favored, and all of this must take place even and especially in the heat of conflict. It is rewarding work that engages not only those in the therapy room but the legacy of the family of origin carried forth by both. It conceptualizes and brings to overt awareness intergenerational assumptions passed down through the ages. It is complex, emotionally fraught, and holds shared moments of true satisfaction. I often repeat the deceptively simple description of couples therapy: It is a process of better understanding each other, working for deeper connection, or sometimes accepting termination of the relationship. It requires each to engage and reflect on their anger, hurt, disappointment, love, and joy. It requires courage to recognize that I dropped the book; it did not fall from me.
To better understand what this really means, it is important to understand what a trigger is and that in every relationship there are unwritten rules of engagement based on each individual’s experiences. Preverbal exchanges during earliest development are among the most impactful experiences of relationships, forming who we grow up to be. A trigger is identified by feelings well out of proportion to current circumstances, suggesting remnants of past experience resurfacing. For example, he asked me if the yard was raked, and I am incensed despite the question being innocent. If the question was not an accusation, where does the enraged response come from? The answer is rarely glaringly obvious, and it determines the tone of the conversation that follows—an angry eruption or a tense moment dispelled—rather than just an answer to a truly simple question.
Another example is a pleasant conversation about garden planning being derailed by assumptions in each individual approach. One is deeply offended by the other despite no ostensible offense being articulated. It turns out, the leisurely poring over ideas versus an unspoken need for efficiency reflexively expected of each other are incompatible. But neither has articulated this to the other because individuals are often relatively unaware of their own assumptions about the rightness of approach. A child growing up in a home that prizes space for exploration learns a sense of expansiveness. By contrast, a child who grows up in a dictatorial household where time for exploration is rare becomes more likely to gobble down every moment of soon-to-be-interrupted joy. The leisurely approach does not understand the urgency, and urgency feels ignored in the face of inefficiency.
We face the world and our relationships with implicit assumptions that guide our choices—how we communicate, what we perceive as important, as offensive, as loving. And we need to understand each other’s language in order to thrive and grow together.
Maire Daugharty is an anesthesiologist who expanded her expertise by earning a master’s degree in clinical mental health counseling, merging her long-standing interest in mental health with her medical background. As a licensed professional counselor, licensed addiction counselor, and licensed marriage and family therapist, she brings a well-rounded perspective to her private practice, where she works with adult individuals and couples on a wide range of concerns. In addition to her counseling practice, she continues to work part-time as an anesthesiologist and has a deep understanding of the unique challenges faced by clinicians in today’s medical landscape. To learn more about her practice, visit Physician Vitality Services.
