An excerpt from The Fix Your Internal Language Handbook.

“I talk to myself, and I talk to them. They are not here to listen to me.”

Most of us spend more time talking to ourselves than to anyone else. We use language to think and clarify our thoughts. Whether we are consciously ruminating or thinking on a more subconscious level, we are still using language. We have internal dialogues with ourselves, which often represent what we are experiencing in our world. This means we will experience something and use our own internal language to help us understand what has occurred, how we feel about it, and if we need to do something about it.

At other times, we can use language overtly to direct the communicative discourse with other humans, animals, or, at times, with inanimate objects. We may be telling others what we want to see happen, explaining our position, or simply conversing with them. Our internal language is multifaceted and helps us communicate with ourselves and others in many ways.

I define “internal language” as “inner speech, or self-talk, where our thoughts are not expressed externally, and communication is limited to our own personal dialogue.” As the chapter title suggests, internal language is your inner voice. It is talking to yourself to help organize your world, work through difficult situations, solve problems, and, at times, avoid conflicts, as you shall soon see.

It is important to note that internal language or “self-talk” can be positive and/or negative. It can represent a healthy internal personal environment or attach itself to negative aspects of our internal world. Much of that depends on how mentally, emotionally, and intellectually healthy we are and how we express ourselves through our internal dialogue. It is important to understand the fundamentals of internal language first so we can fully understand its role in our lives.

Our internal language can be employed for different reasons and in various ways. Some are listed here along with a brief description.

Self-talk. The internal dialogue that people have with themselves. It is important to remember that the brain is a thinking machine and thinks with language and imagery. This does not mean it must include language in all it does. Some of the brain’s processes involve thoughts that are not conscious, such as daily routines that are performed with little internal language. However, much of what we do daily involves internal language. Examples are: “This will be hard, but I’ll try it,” “I don’t like when this happens,” “I’m not as good as I’d like to be,” or “I will never give up because I really want this.” Self-talk often describes how we feel, what we want or don’t want, and our thoughts about something that may occur or about someone in our life.

Critiquing. Analyzing the quality of one’s behavior or interaction with other people. Critiquing has two forms. The first is the one we apply to other people and situations. We can be happy for someone and approve of what they do, or we may be slightly more pessimistic about them and their actions. Sometimes, we are generally happy about how another person behaves, and at other times, we may feel envious of another person or feel as though it either doesn’t meet our standards or causes us pain or discomfort. The second form of critiquing is self-critiquing. We can be complimentary to ourselves about our actions or circumstances, or we can be negative and critical, feeling as though we don’t measure up. In each case, we use language to describe the situation and assess what we are experiencing.

Internal conversation. Having an actual internal conversation with someone who is not present. We might experience situations we feel the need to revisit and attempt to either clarify or rectify in our minds. In the process, we can engage in conversations with other people who are not present. Sometimes, those conversations can be positive, such as having a conversation with someone you like about something pleasing to both of you. At other times, however, the conversation can take a negative turn. We can involve ourselves in emotional dialogues designed to settle the score or to resolve the situation internally.

Evening the playing field. Reviewing a situation in which one feels inadequate or mistreated and restructuring the scenario in one’s mind to make it appear fairer and more equal. Another term for this might be “fixing the situation.” All of us experience situations where things do not go as we planned. At times, such situations can leave us with concerns about how we performed and what we might have done differently to produce a more satisfying outcome. When this happens, we may engage in internal conversations, often with another person who is not present, redesigning the turn of events and bringing them to a conclusion in which we feel we are on equal footing with the other person. These conversations do not need to be negative. They redefine the circumstances and leave us feeling as if we had more influence over what was occurring and that our performance was more acceptable to all involved.

Reflecting. Thinking about a past situation, such as how a meeting went or how you presented your ideas. It is common to leave an interpersonal situation and review what occurred. When all has gone well, our internal language as we reflect upon it is positive. Other times, we are less happy with what occurred and would like things to have unfolded differently. Reflecting and using internal language based on factual circumstances helps us redefine how we will think and behave as our lives continue after an event if things do not go our way. It can be a productive tool to help improve how we interact with others, provided we keep our emotions at a minimum and focus our attention on improving our future interactions with others.

Setting goals. Reviewing the facts relevant to setting the goal, establishing a plan to get there, and using evaluation methods that make changes when necessary to attain it. Goal-setting can be one of the most productive and positive forms of internal language, provided the goals are realistic and attainable. Realistic goal-setting can be empowering and provide an understanding of the process necessary to succeed. On the other hand, setting goals that are unrealistic and difficult to achieve without a plan can lead to negative self-language and feelings of inadequacy.

Praying. Talking to God or one’s representation of a higher power. Parts of prayer are directed toward an entity outside of oneself. Unless we pray with other people, almost all the prayer involves internal language. To some extent, prayer connects to deeper parts of ourselves and expresses the person we would like to be or what we would like to see happen in our lives. However, people also infuse the prayer with dialogue designed to either explain what they are praying for or as a complaint for a request not being answered.

Managing stress. Using positive self-talk techniques to manage stressful people and situations internally. All of us experience stress at varying levels. For some people, positive talk techniques can help relieve stress and anxiety. Others experience stress and anxiety internally as a function of sensitive nervous systems and neurotransmitter imbalances. Positive internal language can be a stress reducer. Positive self-talk can go a long way in reducing stress. Examples are: “I am strong enough to do this,” “This isn’t as bad as it seems,” “I just need to look at it a bit differently,” and “I will focus on my powers and devise a way to deal with this problem.” Positive self-language can go a long way in alleviating stress.

Visualization. Creating vivid mental images of a desired outcome or situation. Visualization might be used to rehearse a conversation or speech, anticipate possible challenges, and cope with negative emotions. It can help you relax or envision the result of a goal. We visualize often, but do not always attach internal language to it. When accompanied by self-talk, visualization can seem to bring internal language to life. Visualization is not internal language as we are discussing it. However, it is a form of language that the brain uses to help enhance our internal dialogue since the brain is not only a linguistic thinker. The brain uses imagery to help make linguistic internal plans come alive.

Fantasy. Imagining things, especially impossible or improbable things. The conditions of our lives can become mundane and routine. Fantasy allows us to create more exciting and gratifying scenarios in roles that could include heroes, lovers, athletes, and celebrities. They move us beyond the conditions of our everyday lives. The language we use in our fantasies is often grandiose, sophisticated, and clever. When fantasy is positive, it helps us stretch beyond the lives we are living and into new and more exciting life conditions. However, fantasy can also be the product of anger, abuse, and negative self-image. In these cases, fantasies can become angry, violent, and abusive.

Self-loathing. Feeling and expressing intense disgust, failure, inadequacy, or incompetency with oneself. Self-loathing is one of the more dangerous forms of internal language. This occurs when our personal identity becomes defined by failure and inadequacy. We now move past the event that transpired and into an intense emotional reaction telling ourselves how disgusting we are, how much we hate ourselves, and how the world would be better if we were not in it. Self-loathing can lead to horrible feelings about oneself and, at times, progress to suicidal ideation.

We all use some manner of language to organize our thoughts and communicate them to ourselves and others. Even when we are sleeping, our brains remain active. Sometimes in our dreams, we may have whole conversations with others. Our internal language helps us organize our experiences and sets the stage for how we live and interact with our external world. Understanding how the process works can make it more efficient for us and help us avoid the pitfalls of negative language, which opens us to challenging and potentially destructive ways to live.

Defining our personal brand of internal language can provide us with valuable insights regarding who we are, how we think, how we respond to internal and external stimuli, how we feel about ourselves, and what our place in the world might be. It can become the difference between autopilot negative internal language and taking control of your conscious thought to connect to the powerful person you can be. When we decide to change how we think and speak to ourselves, we take the first step in improving our lives. This decision opens the doors for the necessary changes that bring peace to our internal world and help create a warm, positive life with those around us. Making these changes gives us more control over how we think and talk to ourselves and allows us to create our world with a plan and a purpose.

Deciding to take control of your internal language is the first step in taking control of your entire life. Your perceptions will change. You will learn how to gather important facts in any situation and how to use those facts to create a plan that empowers you and brings you internal peace. Imagine a world where you do not have to scream inside your brain, a world where the way you talk to yourself is kind and loving, a world where you can extend your message of love and warmth to others. It all begins with a decision to change your internal dialogue and the willingness to follow a plan to make that happen.

Faust Ruggiero is a clinical psychologist and author of The Fix Your Depression Handbook.