These days, getting spun out into a state of worry and panic is just a click away: Turn on any device for constant updates on the chaos around us.
Adding to this, on a personal level, the last six years have been the most difficult and transformative period of my life. I had never imagined that I would experience and recover from the darkness of depression and suicidality six years ago, only to have two more complete breakdowns. Some might call each of those phases a “dark night of the soul,” a time when I was forced to reckon with, and ultimately unhook from, myself.
During those challenging times, I began to regularly question, “Is it my ego?” Is it my ego that is driving this decision, this thought, this attitude, or this behavior? Am I making a choice or needing to be right based only on ego? Am I acting this way because of my ego? Do I care because of my ego? I began the slow, deliberate process of disconnecting and unhooking, focusing instead on being a loving presence in every aspect of my life, as a leader, physician, coach, friend, wife, and daughter. I finally began to wake up, to turn toward my true self.
When all these identities were stripped away, I was left to reconcile who I was without them. And I turned toward the young girl who, at 18, had a heart as big as the ocean. She loved unconditionally, saw the beauty in others, and went out of her way to be caring. What happened, I wondered, to that young girl so full of love, joy, and hope? How had I become such an automaton of productivity, striving, achieving, and doing? Of “getting stuff done” yet never feeling I had done enough?
Unconsciously, I was also training myself to unhook from what many people might refer to as “the left brain,” that part of our neurologic wiring that is consumed with analysis and with the “self,” and turn instead toward “the right brain,” associated with intuition and the understanding that “we are all interconnected.” My left-brain experience of the world had been over-strengthened by decades of medical training, which built my need to constantly strive, achieve, and succeed, my need to be right and to have all the answers. That shift just felt right, like coming home.
Each day, when I entered a patient’s room, I would focus only on being a loving presence. When I started a long on-call weekend (which I have always dreaded), I focused on being a loving presence to every patient, family, and staff member, and to everyone who paged me, day or night. I found that when I stopped worrying about being efficient and productive, I just got the work done. To my surprise, I even felt rejuvenated. I began to pick up additional shifts in pediatric primary care and hospital medicine. Again, I was surprised to find how much fun I was having!
I also had this experience in my administrative role, which used to drain me completely. It seemed to be the same with my roles as a founder, speaker, writer, and advocate as well. I was amazed and delighted to discover a joy, freedom, and lightness in the work, and most of all, within myself.
When reflecting on the lessons learned and the profound sense of peace I now carry, clarity emerges. I continue to check my ego and my self-imposed identity as “a physician.”” My need to constantly fix, solve, and improve. My need to push (with “grit”) through all my insecurities. Now, living from the “right brain,” focused on our interconnectedness as living beings, my goal is simple: to be a loving presence. And as a result, each day has become a gift, a peaceful, light, and joyful gift.
I am not a blind optimist. I have not lost my inner realist. I have not forgotten that, worldwide, people are surrounded by forces that threaten democratic freedom as well as the health of our own nation. Yet I can’t be a voice, activist, or advocate if I am consumed by hate and fear. I can’t act or lead with love, equanimity, and compassion if I’m leading from anger. For this reason, seeking to become an embodied, loving presence is also done in the deepest service of human thriving.
Paradoxically, two years of darkness became the greatest gift and lesson of my life. I have become unhooked, and I have become unoffendable. Nothing, and no one, can shake the solidity and peace at my core. I commit daily to sitting amidst the discomfort of uncertainty and change, amidst the grief and the disruption (especially in medicine), choosing to show up with love anyway.
I write these words knowing that I will be OK no matter what. And, I believe, so will you. I believe that even chaos can ultimately help to renew our world. And as long as human beings live on Earth, I am also convinced there will always be a deep need for physicians to be a loving presence and to heal their pain.
Today, finding the love and compassion inherent within us is our imperative. It is our greatest chance for survival and only chance to heal all that is broken. Today more than ever, our presence matters.
Tammie Chang is a pediatric hematology-oncology physician and co-founder of Pink Coat, MD. She can be reached on Instagram @tammiechangmd and at her self-titled site, Tammie Chang, MD.
Dr. Tammie Chang is a practicing board-certified pediatric oncologist, award-winning author, TEDx speaker, leadership coach, and fierce national advocate for gender equity and cultural change in health care. She is the co-founder of Pink Coat, MD, the founder of Tammie Chang, MD, and the co-founder of the American Medical Women’s Association’s ELEVATE Leadership Development Program. Additionally, she serves as the medical director of physician/APP well-being for her health system. She received her medical degree from Brown University, completed her internal medicine-pediatrics residency at the University of Massachusetts, and her pediatric hematology-oncology fellowship at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. She received her coaching certifications from the Co-Active Training Institute, the International Coaching Federation, and the John Maxwell Team.
Dr. Chang is the co-founder of Pink Coat, MD, a platform dedicated to the personal and professional success and well-being of all women physicians. She is the award-winning author of Boundaries for Women Physicians: Love Your Life and Career in Medicine and co-author of How to Thrive as a Woman Physician, together with Luisa Duran, MD, her co-founder of Pink Coat, MD.
