Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

How this physician learned to cry

James C. Salwitz, MD
Physician
March 8, 2017
Share
Tweet
Share

With thousands of cancers, thousands of families and thousands of deaths, I came to see deep time. I absorbed the finite nature of existence and gained a long view. Not just yesterday’s tests, today’s battle and tomorrow’s treatment, but the loss to come. I do not know when the reaper will arrive, but understand he will. I mourn each patient before we meet. I have learned not to cry.

Call it professional distance. It is necessary when infinite loss is a daily experience. Cry every day and become a frail crust. To fight an unbeatable foe, you must parry from safety. However, I worry that I have lost more than I have gained.

Have I have stopped loving life? Has too much of me died? Are joy, warmth and compassion phantoms … a shell … a fleeting scent? Perhaps I no longer touch, taste or feel. To care for those for whom the path is set, have I stopped caring?

A remarkable event occurred. No miracle treatment or special person saved. No new patient gained or lost. No deeper understanding of the infinite, connection to the divine, nor bravery over death’s fear. Nonetheless, from the most unexpected of places, I began to cry.

My grandson is now five months old, with a round face, bald head, bright blue eyes and four limbs in continuous random movement. He has a pure smile, especially at his father’s laugh, a fixation on ceiling fans and a sly way of making believe he is still breastfeeding, just to stay close to his mom. He is capable of entertaining an entire room of adults for hours, making us all laugh. Nevertheless, sometimes, at one special time, he always makes me cry.

When I hold him, rock him and sing a bedtime tune, scrambling the words of a rock melody in a lullaby’s lull and his eyes are on mine and they gently close and his breathing becomes even and deep. That is when I cry. It is not sad, nor a time of loss or pain. It is one of life’s most magnificent moments. Yet, that child’s optimistic perfection in the purity of the moment reaches inside and pulls up forgotten pain.

I can feel that it is not the loss of one patient; it is the loss of many. It is not a single moment of suffering, but rather the suffering of years. The transcendence of the infant opens my soul to the place from which it came. He shows me who I was before death became my daily companion. His openness to the experience, joy and the potential of life, allows me to open deep places, years buried.

My children have been the great surprise of my life. I expected to raise them, teach them, protect them and help them through the world. I never expected them to raise me, teach me, protect me and help me through life. Nevertheless, they did, changing me through the years and making the journey worth any sacrifice. Now, this perfect baby arrives and helps me find part of myself lost. He makes me naïve. He helps me face today with strength, joy and hope. What a remarkable gift to receive, to be shown, once again, how to cry.

James C. Salwitz is an oncologist who blogs at Sunrise Rounds.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

This physician isn't a victim. She's a survivor.

March 8, 2017 Kevin 2
…
Next

Doctors have to become greedy dogs to survive

March 8, 2017 Kevin 2
…

Tagged as: Oncology/Hematology

Post navigation

< Previous Post
This physician isn't a victim. She's a survivor.
Next Post >
Doctors have to become greedy dogs to survive

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

More by James C. Salwitz, MD

  • Each line on the radiology list is a patient’s line in the sand

    James C. Salwitz, MD
  • The broader mission for hospice care

    James C. Salwitz, MD
  • Is the medical profession at its end?

    James C. Salwitz, MD

Related Posts

  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD
  • How a physician keynote can highlight your conference

    Kevin Pho, MD
  • Chasing numbers contributes to physician burnout

    DrizzleMD
  • Why this physician teaches first-year medical students 

    Mark Kelley, MD
  • What I learned after being hacked on social media [PODCAST]

    The Podcast by KevinMD
  • The black physician’s burden

    Naomi Tweyo Nkinsi

More in Physician

  • Why some doctors age gracefully—and others grow bitter

    Patrick Hudson, MD
  • The hidden incentives driving frivolous malpractice lawsuits

    Howard Smith, MD
  • Mastering medical presentations: Elevating your impact

    Harvey Castro, MD, MBA
  • Marketing as a clinician isn’t about selling. It’s about trust.

    Kara Pepper, MD
  • How doctors took back control from hospital executives

    Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD
  • How art and science fueled one woman’s path to medicine

    Amy Avakian, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why flashy AI tools won’t fix health care without real infrastructure

      David Carmouche, MD | Tech
    • Key strategies for smooth EHR transitions in health care

      Sandra Johnson | Tech
    • 2 hours to decide my future: How the SOAP residency match traps future doctors

      Nicolette V. S. Sewall, MD, MPH | Education
    • Reassessing the impact of CDC’s opioid guidelines on chronic pain care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • When the diagnosis is personal: What my mother’s Alzheimer’s taught me about healing

      Pearl Jones, MD | Conditions
    • Why Medicaid cuts should alarm every doctor

      Ilan Shapiro, MD | Policy
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • How scales of justice saved a doctor-patient relationship

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • My journey from misdiagnosis to living fully with APBD

      Jeff Cooper | Conditions
    • “Think twice, heal once”: Why medical decision-making needs a second opinion from your slower brain (and AI)

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Tech
  • Recent Posts

    • Why some doctors age gracefully—and others grow bitter

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • Why removing fluoride from water is a public health disaster

      Steven J. Katz, DDS | Conditions
    • What the research really says about infrared saunas

      Khushali Jhaveri, MD | Conditions
    • How the cycle of rage is affecting physicians—and how to break free

      Alexandra M.P. Brito, MD and Jennifer L. Hartwell, MD | Conditions
    • Why ADHD in adults is often missed—and why it matters [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Dedicated hypermobility clinics can transform patient care

      Katharina Schwan, MPH | Conditions

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 2 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why flashy AI tools won’t fix health care without real infrastructure

      David Carmouche, MD | Tech
    • Key strategies for smooth EHR transitions in health care

      Sandra Johnson | Tech
    • 2 hours to decide my future: How the SOAP residency match traps future doctors

      Nicolette V. S. Sewall, MD, MPH | Education
    • Reassessing the impact of CDC’s opioid guidelines on chronic pain care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • When the diagnosis is personal: What my mother’s Alzheimer’s taught me about healing

      Pearl Jones, MD | Conditions
    • Why Medicaid cuts should alarm every doctor

      Ilan Shapiro, MD | Policy
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • How scales of justice saved a doctor-patient relationship

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • My journey from misdiagnosis to living fully with APBD

      Jeff Cooper | Conditions
    • “Think twice, heal once”: Why medical decision-making needs a second opinion from your slower brain (and AI)

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Tech
  • Recent Posts

    • Why some doctors age gracefully—and others grow bitter

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • Why removing fluoride from water is a public health disaster

      Steven J. Katz, DDS | Conditions
    • What the research really says about infrared saunas

      Khushali Jhaveri, MD | Conditions
    • How the cycle of rage is affecting physicians—and how to break free

      Alexandra M.P. Brito, MD and Jennifer L. Hartwell, MD | Conditions
    • Why ADHD in adults is often missed—and why it matters [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Dedicated hypermobility clinics can transform patient care

      Katharina Schwan, MPH | Conditions

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

How this physician learned to cry
2 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...