Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

The dangers of being overly apologetic

Theresa Hsiao, DO
Physician
April 26, 2017
Share
Tweet
Share

“Sorry, excuse me, can I get through please?” I wiggled my way to the head of the bed. Quickly, I set up the necessary intubation tools as the patient arrives shortly thereafter. A frenzy ensues, tubes flying over the patient, people talking over each other.

“Can you draw me up some RSI meds? Let’s get this guy intubated now. Sorry, but I need it quiet in here.” Tube placed, a wave of calm flooded the room, and the pace slowed. As I was putting away the laryngoscope, I asked the nurse, “Was I too bossy?”

Sorry is a crutch: a filler word. A way to politely ask for something without offending, to appear nicer while making a demand. Apologizing for every action lessens the possibility of being perceived as rude or obtrusive, preventing any overstepping of the confined lines of the stereotyped feminine woman.

Differences in speech between men and women were the core of the sociolinguistics study done by Robin Lakoff. Lakoff is a linguist from the University of California, Berkeley who wrote Language and Woman’s Place. In her book, she noted some of the following as common female speech patterns:

    • Hedges: phrases like “sort of,” “kind of,” “it seems like”
    • Super-polite forms: “Would you mind …” “… if it’s not too much to ask” “Is it OK if …?”
    • Apologize more: “I’m sorry, but I think that …”
    • Speak less frequently
    • Tag questions: “You don’t mind eating this, do you?”
    • Indirect requests: “Wow, I’m so thirsty,” but really asking for a drink

It was because of these subtle phrasings that she found, “strong expressions of feelings are avoided and expression of uncertainty is favored … leading to the marginality and powerlessness of women.”

From a young age, women are trained to be nurturing and agreeable. Any deviation can be off putting so they are conditioned to apologize before speaking, thus appearing less aggressive.  For any woman in a position of power, there is a constant struggle to delicately give orders without offending anyone. This is especially so for women in medicine who constantly face the dilemma of balancing femininity and assertiveness. One tip of the scale in either direction causes them to lose credibility. Soft spoken becomes unsure and incompetent, assertiveness is seen as “bitchy” and hard to work with. It is because of this fear that there is a blatant overuse of comfort words such as “sorry.”

The majority of times, we really aren’t sorry to be asking a question, we’re simply trying to be polite. We are making a direct statement without being flagged as “bossy.” It is a another way of downplaying our power, softening our approach in an attempt to seem nice. Though females physicians have made great strides in attaining equality, medicine still has an unspoken element of the “Good Old Boys’ Club.” Many times there are lingering double standards for behaviors commonly accepted by our male counterparts. It is because of these fears of not following our gender roles that we don’t speak up for ourselves. But silence is dangerous; it lends approval and reinforces negative stereotypes that feed the vicious cycle of inequality. Apologizing unnecessarily places women in a subservient position, thus causing loss of respect.

Evidence has shown that women are less self-assured than men; and that to succeed, confidence matters just as much as competence. With the increase in female presence in the workforce and graduate and professional schools, it has never been more obvious that the competence is there. The limiting factor now is the confidence. With the barrage of daily “sorrys” that seemingly question our abilities, we are just taking steps backwards. As success correlates closely with confidence just as much as competence, it is no wonder women are still underrepresented at the highest levels. Being overly apologetic is robbing us of self-esteem, dignity, and respect.

Fear not though, as new evidence emerges frequently on how much our brains can change in response to shifting thought patterns and behaviors. It has been shown that confidence can be self-perpetuating, so it is crucial to surround ourselves with strong minded females that support and encourage us — those that remind us that being “sorry” should be reserved for wrongdoings as opposed to taking up time that should be allocated to stating and expressing what we want. It is essential to continue bolstering this confidence so that we achieve everything that we are deserving of, and show the future generation of women that they too are worthy.   So following in the footsteps of Julia Child who once famously said, “never apologize,” sorry, but not sorry.

Theresa Hsiao is an emergency medicine resident.  This article originally appeared in FeminEm.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

If she gets pregnant, she might die. Do I help?

April 26, 2017 Kevin 3
…
Next

Top 5 reasons why doctors lack self-confidence. And how to fix it.

April 26, 2017 Kevin 16
…

Tagged as: Emergency Medicine

Post navigation

< Previous Post
If she gets pregnant, she might die. Do I help?
Next Post >
Top 5 reasons why doctors lack self-confidence. And how to fix it.

ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

  • The dangers of selective empathy

    Anonymous
  • The dangers of being always connected

    Greg Smith, MD
  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD
  • The dangers of opioid addiction in the medical industry

    Anonymous
  • Vaping likely has dangers that could take years for scientists to even know about

    Ilona Jaspers, PhD
  • How a physician keynote can highlight your conference

    Kevin Pho, MD

More in Physician

  • Why Canada is losing its skilled immigrant doctors

    Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD
  • Why doctors are reclaiming control from burnout culture

    Maureen Gibbons, MD
  • Why screening for diseases you might have can backfire

    Andy Lazris, MD and Alan Roth, DO
  • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

    Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD
  • International doctors blocked by visa delays as U.S. faces physician shortage

    Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA
  • How I redesigned my life as a physician without abandoning medicine

    Ben Reinking, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • How community paramedicine impacts Indigenous elders

      Noah Weinberg | Conditions
    • Why Canada is losing its skilled immigrant doctors

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Physician
    • How to speak the language of leadership to improve doctor wellness [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • How medical culture hides burnout in plain sight

      Marco Benítez | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • Why Canada is losing its skilled immigrant doctors

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Physician
    • Why doctors are reclaiming control from burnout culture

      Maureen Gibbons, MD | Physician
    • Would The Pitts’ Dr. Robby Robinavitch welcome a new colleague? Yes. Especially if their initials were AI.

      Gabe Jones, MBA | Tech
    • Why medicine must stop worshipping burnout and start valuing humanity

      Sarah White, APRN | Conditions
    • Why screening for diseases you might have can backfire

      Andy Lazris, MD and Alan Roth, DO | Physician
    • How organizational culture drives top talent away [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 2 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • How community paramedicine impacts Indigenous elders

      Noah Weinberg | Conditions
    • Why Canada is losing its skilled immigrant doctors

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Physician
    • How to speak the language of leadership to improve doctor wellness [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • How medical culture hides burnout in plain sight

      Marco Benítez | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • Why Canada is losing its skilled immigrant doctors

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Physician
    • Why doctors are reclaiming control from burnout culture

      Maureen Gibbons, MD | Physician
    • Would The Pitts’ Dr. Robby Robinavitch welcome a new colleague? Yes. Especially if their initials were AI.

      Gabe Jones, MBA | Tech
    • Why medicine must stop worshipping burnout and start valuing humanity

      Sarah White, APRN | Conditions
    • Why screening for diseases you might have can backfire

      Andy Lazris, MD and Alan Roth, DO | Physician
    • How organizational culture drives top talent away [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

The dangers of being overly apologetic
2 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...