A widow’s walk, also known as a widow’s watch or roof walk, is a railed rooftop platform often having an inner cupola or turret, frequently found on 19th-century North American coastal houses. The name is said to come from the wives of mariners, who would watch for their spouses’ return, often in vain, as the ocean took their lives, leaving the women widows. In other coastal communities, the platforms were called captain’s walks, as they topped the homes of the more successful captains; supposedly, ship owners and captains would use them to search the horizon for ships due in port.

I do not have the rooftop platform known as the widow’s walk, but I feel I walk it every day since my husband passed two years ago. I watch for his return, even though I know it will not happen. My broken heart is having difficulty accepting his death, and my brain refuses as well. The widow’s walk has helped me heal.

My actual widow’s walk consists of walking the dog, who also looks for him everywhere we go; going to the grocery store to find food that is appealing and that I know how to cook; taking care of a house and yard; and managing my finances as well as everything necessary with Social Security and insurance after someone dies. I moved to a new home and made that big decision on my own, which was a significant step on the widow’s walk.

I say “good night” every night and thank Bill for all I had with him and all I have because of him. I am a different and better person for having lived with him for 30 years and especially for taking care of him at the end, making sure he experienced death in the kindest, gentlest way I could manage.

I do other things for my widow’s walk. I go to the cemetery every couple of weeks, refresh the flowers, and have a long talk with him. This walk can be as painful as the walk on the rooftop cupola or turret, watching for a loved one to return on a ship that never appears. I had the benefit of being able to say goodbye to Bill as I watched him transition, whereas the wives of ship captains lost at sea do not. All the same, it is just as painful and hard to overcome.

Crying when I need to and laughing about things that have happened since my last visit to the cemetery are all part of my visits with him. I know he would be laughing at some of the news right now and at the way the world has changed in the two years he has been gone. The price of gas and food would make him gasp with disbelief. I tell him what I miss the most: the hugs, jokes, and laughter; reading the paper on Sunday morning while eating a donut; having someone to say “good morning” and “good night” to; as well as his ongoing sense of stability and calmness, which I am trying to learn from his example.

No two widow’s walks will be the same. Every individual will experience a loss differently, and it is based on the relationship they had with the loved one who has passed. Losses vary depending on age and closeness as well. Experiencing a loss as a child may be completely different than a loss as an adult. All are traumatic and need significant time to heal. The widow’s walk may be your first step in healing. Take the first step carefully and with thought, as it may set the tone for the rest of your grieving.

There are several experiences that are considered the most significant in one’s life, and the loss of a spouse is at the top of the list. The emotional impact is long-lasting and may require several years for the overwhelming sense of “being left behind” to dissipate. All of a sudden, you are the only one who does “everything.” If you aren’t in the mood to empty the dishwasher, do the laundry, or buy gas, there is no one to say, “I’ll do it for you.” It will be there the next day and the day after. Do it on your time, maybe one thing at a time or one thing a day. But take your time.

The widow’s walk is part of the healing process. Learning to live without the loved one and redefining your life are significant changes that don’t necessarily come easily. It is difficult, and no one can tell you how much time you will need before you feel better or can move on. The “wait a year” everyone says you should do before making a decision is simply false and does not apply to anyone. Some can get rid of their loved one’s clothing in a week, and some take years. It doesn’t matter; it is all your decision, and no one should be judging or watching you.

Finding your widow’s walk is your new job. Replacing tears with laughter and grief with joy is slow in coming, and new relationships are hard to build again. Trusting someone to share your innermost thoughts with is important and part of the widow’s walk you need to take as you navigate your new life. It will not be easy, and it may feel that it will never end, but someday the widow’s walk will slow down, and you will feel you are independent and at peace. You will never forget your loved one. You may even need to repeat your widow’s walk in a different form as time goes by. It’s your decision—you know what is best for you.

Nancie Wiseman Attwater is the author of A Caregiver’s Love Story.