Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

I remember you: Rest in peace, my friend

Dr. Hilton Koppe
Physician
December 31, 2012
Share
Tweet
Share

I remember you the day we met. It was five years ago. I was terrified. You seemed relaxed and at peace. I’d been invited to join the Lennox Head Club, in the town where I live and work; this over-thirty-five match was the first game of soccer I’d played in twenty-five years. I was the oldest on the team. You were the youngest. For you it was just the start of another season, your loping, languid style belying your skill and your speed.

I remember you sitting next to me in my car on the long drive home from a game at Nimbin. You telling me about your long journey with Crohn’s disease, about the colectomy you’d had in your twenties and about your two broken bones last year. I couldn’t stop myself from being a doctor and suggesting that you get your bone density checked.

I remember you sitting in my consulting room. We had many years of shared conversations–me offering ideas, and you running your race in your own way, not always by the book, but always with great intelligence and equanimity.

I remember you telling me that you were moving to Ballarat, 1200 miles to the south, to be with Helen, your newfound love and the soon-to-be mother of your child. You were so happy, and I was so happy for you.

I remember you getting rectal cancer. I heard it from your brother Mick. If I was devastated, how must it have been for you and your loved ones?

I remember you moving back home to have more treatment after your surgery. You were so positive, despite the rough road ahead of you. It was not so easy for me to be optimistic, but I did my best despite what my medical training had taught me.

I remember you disappearing into the abyss of the hospital system. I used to get letters about you from oncologists and radiotherapists and surgeons, but I didn’t see you for a while. My thoughts were with you during this time.

I remember you riding your bike around our neighborhood at night while I was out walking our dog. I enjoyed our late-night conversations. It was hard to see for sure, but you didn’t look well. Side effects of the treatment, I thought.

I remember you coming back to see me at work after your treatment was finished. We agreed to work together to prove the gloomy specialists wrong with their poor predictions. I could see for sure now that you didn’t look well. The result of fourteen months of treatment, you said.

I remember you telling me about the lump in your neck. I could not ignore it, as much as I wanted to. It was hard for me to remain positive when the likely outcome was catastrophic. You implored me to be honest with you and to tell you everything I knew. You said you’d rather get any news from me, no matter what it was.

I remember you meeting me at your front door when I pulled up on my bike, the day after you had the lump biopsied. “I hope you’re not the bearer of bad tidings,” you said to me. Unfortunately, I was.

I remember you sitting at your kitchen table with Helen and your daughter Hannah, trying to comprehend the incomprehensible. It was the only time I saw you cry.

I remember you thanking me for coming over to tell you the news–saying that it was better to hear it from me at your kitchen table than from the oncologist in his office the next morning.

ADVERTISEMENT

I remember you deciding to have one more go at treatment in an attempt to ease the discomfort you were feeling. You knew that there was no cure, but you weren’t ready to die. Not yet.

I remember you deciding to stop the treatment. It wasn’t helping. You were getting sicker. You didn’t want to spend any more time in the hospital.

I remember you vomiting mercilessly. Not being able to eat or drink. Getting weaker.

I remember you asking me if I could look after things so that you could stay at home. I gave you my word that I would do whatever I could to honor that wish.

I remember you coming downstairs at your home for the last time. We spoke about how quickly things were deteriorating. I said that if there were things you wanted to complete, then it would be a good idea to do them soon. You and Helen got married the next day.

I remember you beaming as you showed me your wedding ring. You looked so happy, and so sick.

I remember you looking like you would die in the next few days. I told you what I thought. You thanked me. You said that it was a relief to know that the end was coming soon.

I remember you telling me how wonderful Helen and Mick and your sister Fuzzy were. How having such a good team made your job easy. We both knew what your job was.

I remember you speaking to me for the last time. You told me how fantastic it felt to wash your face with a frozen cloth. “Like duck-diving through a wave at The Point,” you said, with a smile.

I remember you looking quiet and comfortable, as the medication worked its magic and helped me to honor my promise to you.

I remember you at peace shortly after you died, with your father and brother and sister and wife and daughter. I was so proud of you. Of a life well lived and a life well died. I cried tears of sadness at your loss, and tears of joy that your suffering was over.

I remember you for your courage and your openness and your wisdom and your determination and your spirit and your love. It was a privilege to know you and to care for you.

I remember you, John. Rest in peace, my friend.

Hilton Koppe is a family practitioner in Australia.  This piece was originally published in Pulse — voices from the heart of medicine, and is reprinted with permission. 

Prev

Physician credentialing needs better standardization

December 31, 2012 Kevin 1
…
Next

Physicians can be better doctors by being patients

December 31, 2012 Kevin 5
…

Tagged as: Oncology/Hematology

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Physician credentialing needs better standardization
Next Post >
Physicians can be better doctors by being patients

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

More in Physician

  • The hidden incentives driving frivolous malpractice lawsuits

    Howard Smith, MD
  • Mastering medical presentations: Elevating your impact

    Harvey Castro, MD, MBA
  • Marketing as a clinician isn’t about selling. It’s about trust.

    Kara Pepper, MD
  • How doctors took back control from hospital executives

    Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD
  • How art and science fueled one woman’s path to medicine

    Amy Avakian, MD
  • In a fractured world, Brian Wilson’s message still heals

    Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • Why Medicaid cuts should alarm every doctor

      Ilan Shapiro, MD | Policy
    • When the diagnosis is personal: What my mother’s Alzheimer’s taught me about healing

      Pearl Jones, MD | Conditions
    • Key strategies for smooth EHR transitions in health care

      Sandra Johnson | Tech
    • Reassessing the impact of CDC’s opioid guidelines on chronic pain care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why flashy AI tools won’t fix health care without real infrastructure

      David Carmouche, MD | Tech
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • How dismantling DEI endangers the future of medical care

      Shashank Madhu and Christian Tallo | Education
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • How scales of justice saved a doctor-patient relationship

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • Why shared decision-making in medicine often fails

      M. Bennet Broner, PhD | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • How locum tenens work helps physicians and APPs reclaim control

      Brian Sutter | Policy
    • The hidden incentives driving frivolous malpractice lawsuits

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • Why what doctors say matters more than you think [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How Mark Twain would dismantle today’s flawed medical AI

      Neil Baum, MD and Mark Ibsen, MD | Tech
    • Mastering medical presentations: Elevating your impact

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • Marketing as a clinician isn’t about selling. It’s about trust.

      Kara Pepper, MD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 5 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • Why Medicaid cuts should alarm every doctor

      Ilan Shapiro, MD | Policy
    • When the diagnosis is personal: What my mother’s Alzheimer’s taught me about healing

      Pearl Jones, MD | Conditions
    • Key strategies for smooth EHR transitions in health care

      Sandra Johnson | Tech
    • Reassessing the impact of CDC’s opioid guidelines on chronic pain care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why flashy AI tools won’t fix health care without real infrastructure

      David Carmouche, MD | Tech
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • How dismantling DEI endangers the future of medical care

      Shashank Madhu and Christian Tallo | Education
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • How scales of justice saved a doctor-patient relationship

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • Why shared decision-making in medicine often fails

      M. Bennet Broner, PhD | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • How locum tenens work helps physicians and APPs reclaim control

      Brian Sutter | Policy
    • The hidden incentives driving frivolous malpractice lawsuits

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • Why what doctors say matters more than you think [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How Mark Twain would dismantle today’s flawed medical AI

      Neil Baum, MD and Mark Ibsen, MD | Tech
    • Mastering medical presentations: Elevating your impact

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • Marketing as a clinician isn’t about selling. It’s about trust.

      Kara Pepper, MD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

I remember you: Rest in peace, my friend
5 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...