Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

A nurse masters the art of medical slang

John F. Hunt, MD
Physician
January 12, 2014
Share
Tweet
Share

An excerpt from ASSUME THE PHYSICIAN: Modern Medicine’s “Catch-22”.

“What did you learn today?” I asked, fearing the answer.

I was suspecting a recitation about the new methods of documenting nursing competencies, or a delineation of the process by which she helped the hospital maintain its “magnet” status to attract more nurses to work here. Or perhaps she had learned a new set of pharmacy rules that replaced the old set of new pharmacy rules, all designed to make the rapid provision of medications to the patients safer and more impossible to accomplish. This sort of utterly painful garbanzo was what I usually, almost invariably, heard from a newly-minted nurse about her day.

Nurses have hard hard jobs, and have no authority whatsoever to fight against stupid rules made by the hospital. The doctors actually did have the authority, but didn’t know that they had it, and so didn’t use it. Although the nurses didn’t have the authority to fight the rules, as they got higher up in the nursing ladder, some of them learned they did have authority to enforce rules that others made. So they did. The young nurses were awesome wonderful angels in a difficult situation. The older nurses who had managed to avoid rising up the nurse-managerial tree were godsends, the teachers of young doctors, the saviors of sanity and careers and of patients’ lives threatened by dangerous interns. But then there were the enforcer-nurses: they could be identified easily because they all carried clipboards. Any senior nurse that carried a clipboard was to be avoided at all cost.

But Beth was not in any pre-conceived camp. I am glad I’m not judgmental, prejudicial, or opinionated, because had I been, my world would have been rocked by this young nurse who was clearly outside the boxes that I and everyone else had stuck her in. For instead of reciting useless make-work as her day’s occupation, she instead, to the delight of my ever-increasing internal happiness, said this, which I will translate on the fly for the edification of those who don’t speak Medical:

“Well, first I had a fight with the knuckledraggers [orthopedic surgeons], who were insisting that my patient get a bone scan from unclear medicine [nuclear medicine — part of radiology], even though he was medically unstable. The shadow chasers [radiologists] had found a pleural effusion [fluid collection in the chest] in my patient that was huge. The stupid intern, oops, no offense, missed the effusion when she listened to my patient with her guessascope [stethoscope] this morning, even though I told her that the breath sounds were poor. That bitch sure is one 45C [possessing one chromosome short of the normal 46 human chromosomes and thus likely mentally disabled]. The slashers [surgeons] were all busy and didn’t have time to drain it, so I had to insist. That didn’t go over well. Meanwhile, my patient was crashing [trying to die] and his kidneys were shutting down. I had to get permission to stick him in a one-point restraint [catheter in his bladder] so I could track urine output, and I couldn’t get in touch with the slashers of course, so I ended up having to get a wayward member of the stream team [urologists] to give me the go ahead on something that should be just allowed in any sane system. Thank God that the Dick Squad [urology team] had been rounding in my unit just then. Then the guy obviously needs to be tubed [intubated for mechanical ventilation], and I still can’t get in touch with the damn slashers, so I had to page the gas-passer on call [anesthesiology resident] who along with the vent jockey [respiratory therapist] managed to keep my patient alive. The patient had been all sauced up on happy juice [narcotic pain relievers] so he was pretty much a chocolate hostage [constipated]. That isn’t any good for healing, so I finally got the 45C surgical intern to go bobbing for apples [digitally disimpact [stick finger in rectum[bum] and dig out the hard poop ball]]. He pretty much exploded after that [evacuated his entire colon] in a massive Code Brown [big nasty stool that stinks up an entire ward]. But that solved most of my patient’s problems right then — it took the pressure off his kidneys so his pee started flowing, which helped drain the effusion, which helped him breathe so that his snorkel [endotracheal breathing tube] could be pulled. I almost had to transfer him to the ECU [eternal care unit — in other words, death]. Damn cutters [surgeons] don’t care about anything except operating.”

I looked at Beth with my eyebrows raised. Rarely had I heard such a fluent effluation of medical slang flowing from even an experienced doctor. Never had I heard it from such a spring-chicken nurse. I asked, “When did you graduate from nursing school?”

“About six months ago, why?”

“Ever think of becoming a doctor?”

“What? Are you kidding? Why the hell would I want to do that?” Beth replied.

And with that statement, Beth landed herself a place on my all-star roster of worthwhile people.

John F. Hunt is a physician and author of ASSUME THE PHYSICIAN: Modern Medicine’s “Catch-22”.

Prev

Bringing health care technology to the developing world

January 12, 2014 Kevin 1
…
Next

Can social media help measure physician quality?

January 13, 2014 Kevin 5
…

ADVERTISEMENT

Tagged as: Hospital-Based Medicine, Nursing

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Bringing health care technology to the developing world
Next Post >
Can social media help measure physician quality?

ADVERTISEMENT

More by John F. Hunt, MD

  • a desk with keyboard and ipad with the kevinmd logo

    Inhaled medications: Nefarious reasons for the lack of competition

    John F. Hunt, MD
  • a desk with keyboard and ipad with the kevinmd logo

    The legal system has serious problems, but who are we to complain?

    John F. Hunt, MD
  • a desk with keyboard and ipad with the kevinmd logo

    The cheapest form of health care is to let sick people die

    John F. Hunt, MD

More in Physician

  • Why more doctors are choosing direct care over traditional health care

    Grace Torres-Hodges, DPM, MBA
  • How to handle chronically late patients in your medical practice

    Neil Baum, MD
  • How early meetings and after-hours events penalize physician-mothers

    Samira Jeimy, MD, PhD and Menaka Pai, MD
  • Why medicine must evolve to support modern physicians

    Ryan Nadelson, MD
  • Why listening to parents’ intuition can save lives in pediatric care

    Tokunbo Akande, MD, MPH
  • Finding balance and meaning in medical practice: a holistic approach to professional fulfillment

    Dr. Saad S. Alshohaib
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • America’s ER crisis: Why the system is collapsing from within

      Kristen Cline, BSN, RN | Conditions
    • Why timing, not surgery, determines patient survival

      Michael Karch, MD | Conditions
    • How early meetings and after-hours events penalize physician-mothers

      Samira Jeimy, MD, PhD and Menaka Pai, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • The hidden health risks in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act

      Trevor Lyford, MPH | Policy
  • Recent Posts

    • Beyond burnout: Understanding the triangle of exhaustion [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Facing terminal cancer as a doctor and mother

      Kelly Curtin-Hallinan, DO | Conditions
    • Online eye exams spark legal battle over health care access

      Joshua Windham, JD and Daryl James | Policy
    • FDA delays could end vital treatment for rare disease patients

      G. van Londen, MD | Meds
    • Pharmacists are key to expanding Medicaid access to digital therapeutics

      Amanda Matter | Meds
    • Why ADHD in women requires a new approach [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 3 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • America’s ER crisis: Why the system is collapsing from within

      Kristen Cline, BSN, RN | Conditions
    • Why timing, not surgery, determines patient survival

      Michael Karch, MD | Conditions
    • How early meetings and after-hours events penalize physician-mothers

      Samira Jeimy, MD, PhD and Menaka Pai, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • The hidden health risks in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act

      Trevor Lyford, MPH | Policy
  • Recent Posts

    • Beyond burnout: Understanding the triangle of exhaustion [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Facing terminal cancer as a doctor and mother

      Kelly Curtin-Hallinan, DO | Conditions
    • Online eye exams spark legal battle over health care access

      Joshua Windham, JD and Daryl James | Policy
    • FDA delays could end vital treatment for rare disease patients

      G. van Londen, MD | Meds
    • Pharmacists are key to expanding Medicaid access to digital therapeutics

      Amanda Matter | Meds
    • Why ADHD in women requires a new approach [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

A nurse masters the art of medical slang
3 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...