Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Sometimes doctoring reveals my failings as a human being

Jordan Grumet, MD
Physician
September 20, 2014
Share
Tweet
Share

We were intimate.

As intimate as a doctor and patient can become.  He had long outlived his wife and there were no children, no family, just friends.  When he first came to me he was lively and active, but the years took their toll.  Our visits became more regular.  Every six months.  Then every three.

His memory started to slip.  Occasionally he would look at me suspiciously when something went wrong.  His mind no longer able to wrap around the intricacies of medical care, he grasped at what was left.  If he forgot to pick up his prescription from the pharmacy it somehow became my fault for not calling it in.  Like family members do, we had our ups and downs.

But every time I walked into his hospital room after one mishap or another, he always looked relieved and his lips would curve into a giant grin.  The last such occasion, he had had a stroke.  Although his limbs were working well, the muscles of his throat had been afflicted.  Each time he tried to eat he would choke and sputter.

His stay in the nursing home was disastrous.  His weight plummeted and he lost interest in living. We had long conversations about what could be done.  Although I hated the idea of a feeding tube, this simple surgery would bypass the problem and allow him to live comfortably.  It all made such great sense except that he wanted nothing to do with it.  He was 90-years-old and didn’t want a tube sticking out of his body.  He was ready.

I consulted hospice and we arranged his discharge.  A week before leaving he presented me with a neatly wrapped box.  I opened it to find his favorite bolo tie.  He wore it often with a short sleeve button down shirt and a cowboy hat.  He wanted me to have it.  I accepted it reluctantly, full of pride and yet mortified at the idea of actually wearing it.

I saw him a few more times in the nursing home before he left.  Each time his disappointment was clear.  He wondered why I wasn’t wearing his tie.  And the truth is, I have no rational explanation for my actions.  It clearly would have looked ridiculous on me, but I could have put it on before entering the room and taken it off after leaving.

Decisions don’t always make sense.  It’s like that when your intimate with people.  You periodically disappoint them.  You can’t always explain why.

He returned home, and died a week later.  From time to time I come across his bolo tie when rummaging through my drawers.  When this happens, I feel such longing and also a bit of shame.

It’s not that he died, or that my medical care was subpar.  We were both quite comfortable with his decision.  It’s the fact that I could have done something so simple, so straightforward, to make him happy.  And inexplicably, I didn’t.

I have become fairly comfortable with the premise that occasionally being a human being exposes my shortcomings as a doctor.

It devastates me, however,  that sometimes doctoring reveals my failings as a human being.

Jordan Grumet is an internal medicine physician who blogs at In My Humble Opinion.

Prev

Not knowing what we don't know: How can we help doctors?

September 20, 2014 Kevin 4
…
Next

The dreaded post-visit calls: Are they worth it?

September 21, 2014 Kevin 13
…

ADVERTISEMENT

Tagged as: Geriatrics, Primary Care

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Not knowing what we don't know: How can we help doctors?
Next Post >
The dreaded post-visit calls: Are they worth it?

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Jordan Grumet, MD

  • The man who changed the world with baseball cards

    Jordan Grumet, MD
  • A hospice doctor’s advice on getting your finances in order

    Jordan Grumet, MD
  • A story of persistence in the face of death

    Jordan Grumet, MD

More in Physician

  • Guilty until proven innocent? My experience with a state medical board.

    Jeffrey Hatef, Jr., MD
  • How to balance clinical duties with building a startup

    Arlen Meyers, MD, MBA
  • When life makes you depend on Depends

    Francisco M. Torres, MD
  • Implementing value-based telehealth pain management and substance misuse therapy service

    Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD
  • How an insider advocate can save a loved one

    Chrissie Ott, MD
  • A powerful story of addiction, strength, and redemption

    Ryan McCarthy, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • How hospitals can prepare for CMS’s new patient safety rule

      Kim Adelman, PhD | Conditions
    • How a doctor defied a hurricane to save a life

      Dharam Persaud-Sharma, MD, PhD | Physician
    • Why primary care needs better dermatology training

      Alex Siauw | Conditions
    • Guilty until proven innocent? My experience with a state medical board.

      Jeffrey Hatef, Jr., MD | Physician
    • Why physician strikes are a form of hospice

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • Why medical notes have become billing scripts instead of patient stories

      Sriman Swarup, MD, MBA | Tech
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why transgender health care needs urgent reform and inclusive practices

      Angela Rodriguez, MD | Conditions
    • COVID-19 was real: a doctor’s frontline account

      Randall S. Fong, MD | Conditions
    • Why primary care doctors are drowning in debt despite saving lives

      John Wei, MD | Physician
    • New student loan caps could shut low-income students out of medicine

      Tom Phan, MD | Physician
    • Confessions of a lipidologist in recovery: the infection we’ve ignored for 40 years

      Larry Kaskel, MD | Conditions
    • mRNA post vaccination syndrome: Is it real?

      Harry Oken, MD | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • Why leadership training in medicine needs to start with self-awareness

      Amelie Oshikoya, MD, MHA | Education
    • Federal shakeup of vaccine policy and the battle for public trust [PODCAST]

      American College of Physicians & The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why clinicians must lead health care tech innovation

      Kimberly Smith, RN | Tech
    • The truth about sun exposure: What dermatologists want you to know

      Shafat Hassan, MD, PhD, MPH | Conditions
    • Learning medicine in the age of AI: Why future doctors need digital fluency

      Kelly D. França | Education
    • How a South Asian nurse challenged stereotypes in health care

      Viksit Bali, RN | Conditions

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 2 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • How hospitals can prepare for CMS’s new patient safety rule

      Kim Adelman, PhD | Conditions
    • How a doctor defied a hurricane to save a life

      Dharam Persaud-Sharma, MD, PhD | Physician
    • Why primary care needs better dermatology training

      Alex Siauw | Conditions
    • Guilty until proven innocent? My experience with a state medical board.

      Jeffrey Hatef, Jr., MD | Physician
    • Why physician strikes are a form of hospice

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • Why medical notes have become billing scripts instead of patient stories

      Sriman Swarup, MD, MBA | Tech
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why transgender health care needs urgent reform and inclusive practices

      Angela Rodriguez, MD | Conditions
    • COVID-19 was real: a doctor’s frontline account

      Randall S. Fong, MD | Conditions
    • Why primary care doctors are drowning in debt despite saving lives

      John Wei, MD | Physician
    • New student loan caps could shut low-income students out of medicine

      Tom Phan, MD | Physician
    • Confessions of a lipidologist in recovery: the infection we’ve ignored for 40 years

      Larry Kaskel, MD | Conditions
    • mRNA post vaccination syndrome: Is it real?

      Harry Oken, MD | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • Why leadership training in medicine needs to start with self-awareness

      Amelie Oshikoya, MD, MHA | Education
    • Federal shakeup of vaccine policy and the battle for public trust [PODCAST]

      American College of Physicians & The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why clinicians must lead health care tech innovation

      Kimberly Smith, RN | Tech
    • The truth about sun exposure: What dermatologists want you to know

      Shafat Hassan, MD, PhD, MPH | Conditions
    • Learning medicine in the age of AI: Why future doctors need digital fluency

      Kelly D. França | Education
    • How a South Asian nurse challenged stereotypes in health care

      Viksit Bali, RN | Conditions

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Sometimes doctoring reveals my failings as a human being
2 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...