Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

What you think is wrong: Real men cry

Anne Katz, RN, PhD
Physician
November 16, 2016
Share
Tweet
Share

asco-logo

We’ve come a long way from the 1940s and 1950s when men didn’t cry — not when they stubbed a toe or came back from the war and certainly not in front of strangers. In the last 20-plus years, we have seen a loosening up of the “stiff upper lip,” and we now see men crying in all sorts of places. Even the President of the United States of America was shown with a tear sliding down his cheek on television.

Men cry in my office too: Old men, young men, men with cancer and men accompanying their spouses who have cancer. Some of them weep openly, their faces twisted with tears cascading down their cheeks. Others fight it. They press their lips together and blink repeatedly but often lose the fight to control it, then quickly brush their hands over their face as if to wipe away their feelings.

It never fails to move me in a visceral and almost physically painful way.

There are two particular patients whose tears almost bring me to my knees. One is a man in his early 50s with metastatic disease. He is a man of great intellect and charm. He is thoughtful and introspective. I look forward to seeing him even though I know my heart will ache for days after his appointment. He is a great storyteller and as he speaks, a single tear inches down his face that is bloated from chemotherapy. I am not even sure that he is aware that he is crying. He often smiles and laughs after describing something that is so painful to him and by virtue of my presence, vicariously to me too. The reason that he comes to see me is to try and come to terms with his existential suffering in the face of terminal cancer. I often have no words to offer him, but after every appointment he thanks me for helping him.

The other patient is a man newly widowed. He has been a challenging patient over the years — a man who, by virtue of his personality and profession, thought he was always in control. He was shocked by his cancer diagnosis and raged against all of us as if we were the cause. I knew his anger was based in his fear, and with the help of his calm and loving wife I helped him through the treatment decision-making process and through the challenges of early recovery. He called me last week and I could barely hear his words. His jaw was clenched as he fought the tears that inevitably came and he choked out his feelings. He is alone at the end of the day, paralyzed with loneliness, and for once, he cannot control his feelings. His tears reached me over the phone, bitter tears for which nothing has prepared him.

These tears, and the tears of many other patients, have a profound effect on me. Not a negative effect, but rather one that causes my empathy to overflow. I hold my own tears in check until they leave, and depending on the day and the other patients I have to see afterwards, I cry in my car on the way home. I’m not sure what it is about these (and other) men crying that makes me upset. I certainly see my female patients cry and it doesn’t affect me the same way. Is it because somewhere in my past I was taught that men don’t cry? Does it reflect the lessons I learned in training as a nurse, that to show emotions in front of patients was akin to a sin? Would I have it any other way? To be removed from their pain and angst? No way, not ever.

Anne Katz is a certified sexual counselor and a clinical nurse specialist at a large, regional cancer center in Canada who blogs at ASCO Connection, where this post originally appeared. She can be reached at her self-titled site, Dr. Anne Katz.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

This physician voted for Donald Trump. Here's why.

November 16, 2016 Kevin 68
…
Next

What this physician learned from Pantsuit Nation

November 16, 2016 Kevin 8
…

Tagged as: Oncology/Hematology

Post navigation

< Previous Post
This physician voted for Donald Trump. Here's why.
Next Post >
What this physician learned from Pantsuit Nation

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Anne Katz, RN, PhD

  • Breast cancer’s silver lining

    Anne Katz, RN, PhD
  • Genital shrinkage is real. And so is the distress it causes.

    Anne Katz, RN, PhD
  • Do COVID restrictions in the office negatively affect patients?

    Anne Katz, RN, PhD

Related Posts

  • Why social media may be causing real emotional harm

    Edwin Leap, MD
  • What’s wrong with crisis pregnancy centers?

    Nickey Jafari, MD
  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD
  • A real-life example of irrational health care spending

    Taylor J. Christensen, MD
  • Who are the real superheroes of medicine?

    Batoul Harissa
  • Taking off the training wheels and becoming a real doctor

    Nathaniel Fleming

More in Physician

  • The shocking risk every smart student faces when applying to medical school

    Curtis G. Graham, MD
  • The physician who turned burnout into a mission for change

    Jessie Mahoney, MD
  • Time theft: the unseen harm of abusive oversight

    Kayvan Haddadan, MD
  • Why more doctors are leaving clinical practice and how it helps health care

    Arlen Meyers, MD, MBA
  • Harassment and overreach are driving physicians to quit

    Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD
  • Why starting with why can transform your medical practice

    Neil Baum, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Who gets to be well in America: Immigrant health is on the line

      Joshua Vasquez, MD | Policy
    • Why specialist pain clinics and addiction treatment services require strong primary care

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Conditions
    • Harassment and overreach are driving physicians to quit

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Physician
    • Why peer support can save lives in high-pressure medical careers

      Maire Daugharty, MD | Conditions
    • When a medical office sublease turns into a legal nightmare

      Ralph Messo, DO | Physician
    • Addressing menstrual health inequities in adolescents

      Callia Georgoulis | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • Who gets to be well in America: Immigrant health is on the line

      Joshua Vasquez, MD | Policy
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • The shocking risk every smart student faces when applying to medical school

      Curtis G. Graham, MD | Physician
    • Clinical ghosts and why they haunt our exam rooms

      Kara Wada, MD | Conditions
    • High blood pressure’s hidden impact on kidney health in older adults

      Edmond Kubi Appiah, MPH | Conditions
    • Deep transcranial magnetic stimulation for depression [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How declining MMR vaccination rates put future generations at risk

      Ambika Sharma, Onyi Oligbo, and Katrina Green, MD | Conditions
    • The physician who turned burnout into a mission for change

      Jessie Mahoney, MD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Who gets to be well in America: Immigrant health is on the line

      Joshua Vasquez, MD | Policy
    • Why specialist pain clinics and addiction treatment services require strong primary care

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Conditions
    • Harassment and overreach are driving physicians to quit

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Physician
    • Why peer support can save lives in high-pressure medical careers

      Maire Daugharty, MD | Conditions
    • When a medical office sublease turns into a legal nightmare

      Ralph Messo, DO | Physician
    • Addressing menstrual health inequities in adolescents

      Callia Georgoulis | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • Who gets to be well in America: Immigrant health is on the line

      Joshua Vasquez, MD | Policy
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • The shocking risk every smart student faces when applying to medical school

      Curtis G. Graham, MD | Physician
    • Clinical ghosts and why they haunt our exam rooms

      Kara Wada, MD | Conditions
    • High blood pressure’s hidden impact on kidney health in older adults

      Edmond Kubi Appiah, MPH | Conditions
    • Deep transcranial magnetic stimulation for depression [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How declining MMR vaccination rates put future generations at risk

      Ambika Sharma, Onyi Oligbo, and Katrina Green, MD | Conditions
    • The physician who turned burnout into a mission for change

      Jessie Mahoney, MD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...