Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

I’m sorry your mom died, but I cannot help you now. Here’s why.

Jordan Grumet, MD
Physician
January 12, 2017
Share
Tweet
Share

Dear Mrs. J,

I would like to express my deepest condolences on the passing of your mother. She was a magnificent woman, and I had the pleasure of being her doctor for almost a decade. It was a pleasure. During our short visits, she regaled me with stories of childhood and often gently sprinkled in advice gleaned from years of experience. Even as she began to decline, we would sit together in the nursing home, and she would reach out to hold my hand. She was a gift, your mother. A gift that I in no way deserved.

I’m sorry she got cancer. As a physician, there is no word worse than the word “metastases.” It not only creates fear in the hearts of our patients but cleaves a chunk out of our souls. We are never as hapless in our calling as when we admit that we are mere unarmed foot soldiers in the face of this raving beast. We are not helpless. We can comfort and palliate. Cure, however, becomes an ever-increasing implausibility.

I’m sorry that your mom experienced pain at the end. Lying in bed in the nursing home, she somehow mustered a smile through the groans as the nurses and I passed through the room. She told me that she didn’t see the point anymore. We discussed the risks and benefits of morphine, and I dutifully wrote all the orders.

Most of all, I’m sorry that YOU stormed into the room that morning and ordered the nurse to stop. That YOU somehow convinced your mother — in the last hours of life — that she would get addicted to morphine. That YOU screamed at her for not participating in physical therapy the day before because she was far too exhausted. And I’m sorry that she saw you and I arguing in those last precious moments when you should have been sitting at her bedside, holding her hands, and sobbing.

Your mom is now at peace. She will suffer no longer.

I know that you meant well. I am all too aware that the next few years will be excruciatingly hard as you try to work through loss and maybe even come to terms with the fact that you willfully denied your mom a peaceful death. There was probably much sadness, denial and guilt that led you to make such decisions.

I am no longer angry.

But I’m sorry that I will not be able to be by your side during this arduous journey. Because above being a doctor, I am an imperfect human being and far from above it all. I am right there in the muck with you.

I cannot help you at this time.

Frankly, I’m still too disgusted.

Jordan Grumet is an internal medicine physician who blogs at In My Humble Opinion. Watch his talk at dotMED 2013, Caring 2.0: Social Media and the Rise Of The Empathic Physician. He is the author of I Am Your Doctor: and This Is My Humble Opinion.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Let's make vaccines great again

January 11, 2017 Kevin 37
…
Next

Is work-life balance possible for doctors?

January 12, 2017 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: Palliative Care

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Let's make vaccines great again
Next Post >
Is work-life balance possible for doctors?

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Jordan Grumet, MD

  • The man who changed the world with baseball cards

    Jordan Grumet, MD
  • A hospice doctor’s advice on getting your finances in order

    Jordan Grumet, MD
  • A story of persistence in the face of death

    Jordan Grumet, MD

Related Posts

  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD
  • I’m sorry that we couldn’t save you

    Evan Schauer
  • Please don’t ask about my test scores, Mom

    Casey P. Schukow, DO
  • What it’s like to write about COVID-19 while it’s killing your mom

    Debra A. Shute
  • How a physician keynote can highlight your conference

    Kevin Pho, MD
  • Chasing numbers contributes to physician burnout

    DrizzleMD

More in Physician

  • 10 hard truths about practicing medicine they don’t teach in school

    Steven Goldsmith, MD
  • How I learned to love my unique name as a doctor

    Zoran Naumovski, MD
  • What Beauty and the Beast taught me about risk

    Jayson Greenberg, MD
  • Creating safe, authentic group experiences

    Diane W. Shannon, MD, MPH
  • How tragedy shaped a medical career

    Ronald L. Lindsay, MD
  • A doctor’s guide to preparing for your death

    Joseph Pepe, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The human case for preserving the nipple after mastectomy

      Thomas Amburn, MD | Conditions
    • Nuclear verdicts and rising costs: How inflation is reshaping medical malpractice claims

      Robert E. White, Jr. & The Doctors Company | Policy
    • How new loan caps could destroy diversity in medical education

      Caleb Andrus-Gazyeva | Policy
    • IMGs are the future of U.S. primary care

      Adam Brandon Bondoc, MD | Physician
    • 10 hard truths about practicing medicine they don’t teach in school

      Steven Goldsmith, MD | Physician
    • Why doctors struggle with family caregiving and how to find grace [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • Health equity in Inland Southern California requires urgent action

      Vishruth Nagam | Policy
    • How restrictive opioid policies worsen the crisis

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
    • Why primary care needs better dermatology training

      Alex Siauw | Conditions
    • Why pain doctors face unfair scrutiny and harsh penalties in California

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
    • How a doctor defied a hurricane to save a life

      Dharam Persaud-Sharma, MD, PhD | Physician
    • What street medicine taught me about healing

      Alina Kang | Education
  • Recent Posts

    • 10 hard truths about practicing medicine they don’t teach in school

      Steven Goldsmith, MD | Physician
    • The myth of biohacking your way past death

      Larry Kaskel, MD | Conditions
    • How trust and communication power successful dyad leadership in health care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why Hollywood’s allergy jokes are dangerous

      Lianne Mandelbaum, PT | Conditions
    • How I learned to love my unique name as a doctor

      Zoran Naumovski, MD | Physician
    • My first week on night float as a medical student

      Amish Jain | Education

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 6 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The human case for preserving the nipple after mastectomy

      Thomas Amburn, MD | Conditions
    • Nuclear verdicts and rising costs: How inflation is reshaping medical malpractice claims

      Robert E. White, Jr. & The Doctors Company | Policy
    • How new loan caps could destroy diversity in medical education

      Caleb Andrus-Gazyeva | Policy
    • IMGs are the future of U.S. primary care

      Adam Brandon Bondoc, MD | Physician
    • 10 hard truths about practicing medicine they don’t teach in school

      Steven Goldsmith, MD | Physician
    • Why doctors struggle with family caregiving and how to find grace [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • Health equity in Inland Southern California requires urgent action

      Vishruth Nagam | Policy
    • How restrictive opioid policies worsen the crisis

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
    • Why primary care needs better dermatology training

      Alex Siauw | Conditions
    • Why pain doctors face unfair scrutiny and harsh penalties in California

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
    • How a doctor defied a hurricane to save a life

      Dharam Persaud-Sharma, MD, PhD | Physician
    • What street medicine taught me about healing

      Alina Kang | Education
  • Recent Posts

    • 10 hard truths about practicing medicine they don’t teach in school

      Steven Goldsmith, MD | Physician
    • The myth of biohacking your way past death

      Larry Kaskel, MD | Conditions
    • How trust and communication power successful dyad leadership in health care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why Hollywood’s allergy jokes are dangerous

      Lianne Mandelbaum, PT | Conditions
    • How I learned to love my unique name as a doctor

      Zoran Naumovski, MD | Physician
    • My first week on night float as a medical student

      Amish Jain | Education

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

I’m sorry your mom died, but I cannot help you now. Here’s why.
6 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...