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“It is often difficult to reflect on the holidays when we are grieving positively. One thing to keep in mind is that the loved one/ones we lost would want us to remember them fondly and enjoy the holiday season. The holidays are rare occasions when families who are often separated by long distances come together. That time is precious, and as we well know, is limited. Making the most of the time, you have together will be a work in progress and a pathway to healing.”
Anjani Amladi is a psychiatrist and can be reached at her self-titled site, Anjani Amladi, MD.
She shares her story and discusses her KevinMD article, “Empty chairs at the table this holiday season.”
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Hosted by Kevin Pho, MD, The Podcast by KevinMD shares the stories of the many who intersect with our health care system but are rarely heard from.
Transcript
Kevin Pho: Hi, welcome to the show, where we share the stories of the many who intersect with our health care system but are rarely heard from. My name is Kevin Pho, founder and editor of KevinMD. Today we welcome back to the show Anjani Amladi. She wrote the KevinMD article “Empty chairs at the table this holiday season.” Anjani, welcome back.
Anjani Amladi: Thanks so much for having me back. I appreciate it.
Kevin Pho: Now, for those who didn’t read the article or listen to your prior podcast, can you just briefly share your story and your journey to where you are today?
Anjani Amladi: Definitely. I’m originally from California. I did all of my schooling, from preschool through college, here. I ended up going to medical school on the East Coast in Pennsylvania, turned around, and came straight back for residency and fellowship. I’m now double-boarded in adult psychiatry as well as child and adolescent psychiatry.
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Kevin Pho: We last spoke a few months ago, and now we’re speaking in the middle of January, and we’re in the midst of the worst wave of the pandemic. Has anything changed from a behavioral health standpoint, and can you describe some of the situations and cases that you’re seeing in your outpatient psychiatry practice?
Anjani Amladi: Sure. I think we’ve been doing this for almost a year now, and I would say that although our practice is still quite busy, I would say, particularly the kids, the last time I talked to you, I was having a lot of kids who were struggling significantly with anxiety. I would say for the most part a lot of my kiddos have been getting better. They’ve started adjusting to what is now the new normal. They’re getting used to going to school online, they’re getting used to wearing a mask everywhere, and I think they’re finally settling in, as opposed to being very, very anxious about things that they really can’t predict and can’t really control. I think they’re settling in a lot better now than they were the last time we spoke.
Kevin Pho: And for those parents who may be listening to this podcast, what kind of advice and tips can you share with them from a behavioral health standpoint as it relates to their children?
Anjani Amladi: I think the most important thing, and I’m not sure if we touched on this last time, but the most important thing is to give yourself a break. There is no manual for how to get through this. There’s no great way to do it; there’s no wrong way to do it. Taking care of yourself as a parent is going to be one of the most important things that you can do for your children. Making sure that you’re getting enough sleep, getting some exercise, drinking water, and making sure that you’re eating all prepares you and equips you to be the best self that you can be to take care of your kids.
The other thing I would say is to be physically present. I think parents often put a lot of pressure on themselves and say, “Well, I’m not taking them to the park every day. We’re not doing an activity every day. We’re not reading a book every night before we go to sleep.” I think being physically present, even if it’s for 5 to 10 minutes a day, to get face time with your kids, to talk to them about their day and how things are going, so that they know that you’re seeing them, that you’re hearing them, and that you’re physically present, is more than enough, especially right now.
Kevin Pho: All right, let’s transition now into your KevinMD article, “Empty chairs at the table this holiday season.” Now, for those who didn’t read the article, can you just walk my audience through it and share the story of why you decided to write it?
Anjani Amladi: So the holidays have always been a really difficult time for my family. My nephew committed suicide in 2017, shortly after graduating from high school, and since then the holidays have never really been the same for us, especially because the holiday season was his favorite holiday, Christmas and Thanksgiving being his ultimate favorites. So the holiday season in general has not been the same for us for quite some time. I think writing about that and processing it in my own time, in my own way, also helps, being able to tell the story in a way that other people will hopefully connect to, because we’re certainly not the only ones, especially not now, amid the pandemic, when we’re upwards of 300, almost 400,000 people who have died from COVID. This feeling, the sensation of emptiness, loneliness, longing, and missing people that we care about, is universal.
Kevin Pho: I think, as you said, with the death toll rising, this situation is only going to become, unfortunately, more common. Now, what are some tips that you could share with families unfortunately facing similar situations?
Anjani Amladi: Tap into your social networks. I know that it’s really difficult to physically meet with people in person, but with the advent of technology, it’s based on conversations or Zoom chats, or any type of virtual activity that you can do together, albeit playing a game together or watching a movie simultaneously. Humans are built for connection. We are not meant to struggle alone. I think a lot of people feel very isolated, which makes sense given what’s happening in the world right now, but we are meant to connect, we are meant to speak to each other, and we are meant to spend time together. We’re communal beings, and I think remembering that is really important when we don’t have the social outlets that we used to have before.
Kevin Pho: Now, you mentioned the tragic event that happened to your nephew a few years ago. Can you share some of the ways that you and your family healed from that tragedy, and is there any advice that you could share with my audience members?
Anjani Amladi: I think that the biggest piece of advice is that there is no expiration date on grief. I think that there are going to be times where you feel really happy, and you can talk about happy memories and enjoy those times that you remember with your loved one. And there are going to be times when those memories are really painful, that you don’t want to talk about it, that you don’t want to hear about it, you don’t want to look at pictures, and that’s OK. Everybody grieves in a different way, on a different timeline, and there’s no rule that says everybody in the family has to be on the same page. So I think that would be one of the most important things.
Two, definitely take the time that you need to process and grieve in your own way, whether that is finding a therapist or, if you’re struggling to the point where you feel like you need help a little bit more robustly, potentially seeing a psychiatrist if you think medication can be helpful. There’s no shame in asking for help. Again, just like how there’s no manual for raising kids in the middle of a pandemic, there’s no manual for how to deal with a family member who commits suicide. So I think reaching out and getting the help that you need, I really want to emphasize that there’s no shame in that.
Kevin Pho: And when it comes to grief, at what point, or what kind of symptoms can you describe, would necessitate one to seek counseling or to seek a psychiatrist?
Anjani Amladi: We talk about social and occupational dysfunction. So if we’re having trouble getting out of bed and going to work, if we’re not meeting our obligations, like if we’re talking about school-age kids or high school students or college students, not being able to attend classes because they’re sleeping through their classes because they’re not sleeping at night, grades dropping, not being as social, isolating and not interacting, not taking care of our daily activities like getting up and showering and brushing our teeth and eating, if we’re losing weight, if we’re having depressive symptoms, things like that. So if we’re not able to function as optimally as we were prior to the event happening, and it’s starting to become a problem with regard to our social and occupational functioning, that is when I would say it’s the most important to see a psychiatrist or a therapist. But that’s not to say that if you’re struggling, even if it’s been a few days or a few weeks, you don’t have to wait until things hit rock bottom to get help.
Kevin Pho: We’re talking to Anjani Amladi. She is a psychiatrist, and she wrote the KevinMD article “Empty chairs at the table this holiday season.” Anjani, can you recommend any online resources, or anywhere that patients can turn to in case they want to find more information about this?
Anjani Amladi: Absolutely. I would say the NAMI website. NAMI was initially an organization that was founded by families, family members of people who struggled with mental illness. So I think that is a wonderful resource, probably one of the primary resources that I recommend to my patients, because there’s a robust amount of resources in many different areas: depression, anxiety, grief, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia. Anything that you need, help and assistance and resources, is on that website.
Kevin Pho: And my final question: What’s your take-home message that you want to leave with the KevinMD audience?
Anjani Amladi: I think that the biggest thing that I want to emphasize is that we’ve been through difficult situations before. We’ve been through natural disasters. We’ve been through 9/11. We’ve done this before, and we have come out the other side intact. We’ve survived many things. And I think that the emphasis I really, really want to get across to your listeners is that there is hope. There is hope, there is optimism, and there is help. If you’re feeling like things are not worth living for, or if you’re really struggling with management of all of the things that are going on, like I said, there’s no manual for how to manage these times. There is help available. There is hope.
Kevin Pho: Well, thank you so much for sharing your time and insight, and thanks again for being on the show.
Anjani Amladi: Thanks so much. It was nice to see you again.
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