Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Lessons learned from a general surgery chief resident

Milagros López Gerena, MD
Physician
May 24, 2021
Share
Tweet
Share

I began this journey in 2010. It began as a fresh-smelling breeze after a year and a half of anxiety, depression, and uncertainty. I did not think I would be a surgeon. I thought maybe family medicine, psychiatry — at worst, I would like gynecology. I outgrew the fear of the stereotypes and chose surgery for myself, despite what my now-husband warned me. He thought it would change me, depress me, destroy me. He wasn’t wrong.

In a very real way, surgical residency has broken parts of me.  It has fundamentally stagnated the natural development of others. The things that kept me from completely unraveling came with me from before this training. I told myself, “I know what can truly break me; this is not it.” I repeated those words like a mantra through training. As if surviving depression and hopelessness immunized me. In all honesty, what truly helped had nothing to do with my previous sadness. It had everything to do with the knowledge of happiness that followed it.

I am not trying to be dramatic about this. Just truthful. Looking back, I discovered the real reason I managed to weave some sense of self through this. It was always the people I love. Not just the waking up to his music in the morning, or the memories of Sunday breakfast with my parents, the smell of niece’s sweaty scalp. Also, the more selfish memories of a warm afternoon in a café in Lisbon and the smell of old books in an antiquary in Edinburgh. Selfish travels, only possible with a human that truly understood me. A human that knows me and grounds me.

Now that it’s over, my overall thoughts about residency are neither positive nor negative. I unlearned some things about the nature of life and death. Seeing it as often as we did, one would assume some level of expertise surfaced. However, I remain humbled about how little I know. I have perfected a few scripts along the way — for efficiency, for distance. In the end, there is always a silence that improvises its way into the script. It reminds me of why I routinely chose to refer to my patients as “the humans.”  It is said that Hippocrates once wrote that, “Wherever the art of medicine is loved, there is also a love of humanity.” I think I did that as a way of vocalizing my own humanity, as much as theirs. In honor of those unscripted blaring silences between us.

My biggest challenge during this process was (is) always the self. I am sure I am victimizing the self. Maybe, ignoring all systematic and deeply depersonalizing violence of the training. I acknowledge it; I denounce it, but I cannot control it. I will ruthlessly quote Viktor Frankl and perhaps play an unjust parallel. But, his words reverberate with truth as he describes “the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” If I had to choose one, this would be the biggest lesson from my training. Taught to me once by my father, it echoed through those men and women who showed me how to bring forth a veil in between the world and my responses to it. Those who encouraged humming to myself in the midst of chaos so I could focus. The ones who signaled the distractors so I could shut them down (especially those disguised as my own thoughts and fears). Making me live, learn and grow like Walt Whitman’s verse, “Listen to all sides and filter them from yourself.”

Finally: You — my family, my teachers, and colleagues — have shown me just as many weakness as strengths. I take with me a true picture of humanity, mine and yours. The good, bad and flawed: Never ugly! I harbor no infatuations with childish happiness. But, I leave these walls of healing with an appreciation of our humanity. Never perfect, but never broken beyond repair. My love to all of you, my humans.

Milagros López Gerena is a general surgeon.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

When words mislead in the exam room

May 24, 2021 Kevin 0
…
Next

Here's the secret to establishing a great physician reputation

May 24, 2021 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: Surgery

Post navigation

< Previous Post
When words mislead in the exam room
Next Post >
Here's the secret to establishing a great physician reputation

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

  • The lessons learned from street medicine

    Nicholas Bascou
  • Lessons learned from my MPH gap year

    Waqas Haque
  • Please change the culture of surgery

    Anonymous
  • Why cataract surgery is more complicated than it should be

    Brian C. Joondeph, MD
  • Robotic surgery’s impact on training the next generation of surgeons

    Barry Greene, MD
  • Women in surgery: a tweet to action

    Sarah Shubeck, MD and Arielle Kanters, MD

More in Physician

  • When errors of nature are treated as medical negligence

    Howard Smith, MD
  • The hidden chains holding doctors back

    Neil Baum, MD
  • 9 proven ways to gain cooperation in health care without commanding

    Patrick Hudson, MD
  • Why physicians deserve more than an oxygen mask

    Jessie Mahoney, MD
  • More than a meeting: Finding education, inspiration, and community in internal medicine [PODCAST]

    American College of Physicians & The Podcast by KevinMD
  • Why recovery after illness demands dignity, not suspicion

    Trisza Leann Ray, DO
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • Why recovery after illness demands dignity, not suspicion

      Trisza Leann Ray, DO | Physician
    • Addressing the physician shortage: How AI can help, not replace

      Amelia Mercado | Tech
    • Bureaucracy over care: How the U.S. health care system lost its way

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
    • Why does rifaximin cost 95 percent more in the U.S. than in Asia?

      Jai Kumar, MD, Brian Nohomovich, DO, PhD and Leonid Shamban, DO | Meds
    • Why medical students are trading empathy for publications

      Vijay Rajput, MD | Education
  • Past 6 Months

    • What’s driving medical students away from primary care?

      ​​Vineeth Amba, MPH, Archita Goyal, and Wayne Altman, MD | Education
    • Residency as rehearsal: the new pediatric hospitalist fellowship requirement scam

      Anonymous | Physician
    • The broken health care system doesn’t have to break you

      Jessie Mahoney, MD | Physician
    • Make cognitive testing as routine as a blood pressure check

      Joshua Baker and James Jackson, PsyD | Conditions
    • A faster path to becoming a doctor is possible—here’s how

      Ankit Jain | Education
    • The hidden bias in how we treat chronic pain

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
  • Recent Posts

    • Why young doctors in South Korea feel broken before they even begin

      Anonymous | Education
    • Measles is back: Why vaccination is more vital than ever

      American College of Physicians | Conditions
    • When errors of nature are treated as medical negligence

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • Physician job change: Navigating your 457 plan and avoiding tax traps [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The hidden chains holding doctors back

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • Hope is the lifeline: a deeper look into transplant care

      Judith Eguzoikpe, MD, MPH | Conditions

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • Why recovery after illness demands dignity, not suspicion

      Trisza Leann Ray, DO | Physician
    • Addressing the physician shortage: How AI can help, not replace

      Amelia Mercado | Tech
    • Bureaucracy over care: How the U.S. health care system lost its way

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
    • Why does rifaximin cost 95 percent more in the U.S. than in Asia?

      Jai Kumar, MD, Brian Nohomovich, DO, PhD and Leonid Shamban, DO | Meds
    • Why medical students are trading empathy for publications

      Vijay Rajput, MD | Education
  • Past 6 Months

    • What’s driving medical students away from primary care?

      ​​Vineeth Amba, MPH, Archita Goyal, and Wayne Altman, MD | Education
    • Residency as rehearsal: the new pediatric hospitalist fellowship requirement scam

      Anonymous | Physician
    • The broken health care system doesn’t have to break you

      Jessie Mahoney, MD | Physician
    • Make cognitive testing as routine as a blood pressure check

      Joshua Baker and James Jackson, PsyD | Conditions
    • A faster path to becoming a doctor is possible—here’s how

      Ankit Jain | Education
    • The hidden bias in how we treat chronic pain

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
  • Recent Posts

    • Why young doctors in South Korea feel broken before they even begin

      Anonymous | Education
    • Measles is back: Why vaccination is more vital than ever

      American College of Physicians | Conditions
    • When errors of nature are treated as medical negligence

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • Physician job change: Navigating your 457 plan and avoiding tax traps [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The hidden chains holding doctors back

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • Hope is the lifeline: a deeper look into transplant care

      Judith Eguzoikpe, MD, MPH | Conditions

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...