Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Having a sad: A physician leans into the feeling of sadness

Russell Prichard, MD
Physician
October 20, 2021
Share
Tweet
Share

I broke down crying. Again. — In this cold heart, I can live, or I can die. — It isn’t even on my sad song playlist, so why am I so upset? My scientific brain encouraged me to recreate the environment, remove the variables, and play the song again in isolation. — I believe if I just try, You believe in you and I — Oh no, it’s happening a third time. Reproducible, we say in medicine. Why does this particular song make me bawl my sad-little-baby eyes out with great gasping breaths trying to fill the huge hole in my chest?

Since the onset of my foray into medicine, random bouts with sorrow have struck me at seemingly random intervals, and I couldn’t seem to make sense of it. I have taken to calling the experience “having a sad.” This best defines those moments where one doesn’t flee from but, rather, leans into the feeling of sadness. Moments where you accept the sadness and feel it as strongly as you can bear until you are done. Sometimes these episodes have a clear trigger; a bad patient outcome, making a mistake at work, or more recently unease about the state of the world during the COVID-19 pandemic. More often though, there is no provoking event, no obvious stimuli to label as scapegoats.

Rather than other possible word choices, I prefer my idiom because “having a sad” reminds me that these moments are temporary, as evidenced by the fact that “a” is singular. The present participle “having” is a verb, and the process is therefore active and transformative. I also believe that the process is whole unto itself and that connection to the experience in its entirety is necessary. For me, it is akin to emotional vegetables, not always fun to eat but important to your health.

This time though, I was not alone. My wife found me. She noticed puffy eyes and a waver in my voice and, through careful reflection, helped me find the answer to my question of why a song can wreck my afternoon. The truth is that the feeling I am responding to is not sadness. It is hope. In those moments, it was actually about the reconciliation, the transcendence to a state of acceptance. You might be asking, “Why then the waterworks?” In the clarity which followed, I discovered that I had lost hope over the past few years; I mean, not all of it and not in every scenario, but a portion of my hope is gone.

Well, not gone. Lost.

Once in a while, lost becomes found. Hope finds me. It usually starts with a few bubbles breaking on the surface of the sea of my unconscious. The Great Sky of my consciousness looks down upon the sea intrigued, pondering the size of a beast that could bring the sea to a boil, hidden in the inky black. And then it comes. Terrible and fantastic, enormous; the way we think of God as big, but not hideous. No, not at all. It is overwhelming to be in the presence of something so beautiful, so fundamentally human, and to be reminded that I was the one who banished it to the depths. Being bludgeoned with hope and finding grief instead should be confusing, but it is obvious to me now in retrospect.

I believe that to do my work, I must be realistic and pragmatic, to armor against the inevitable failure of treatment plans, broken health care systems, and human frailty. I am not sad because I bear witness to hopelessness. I am sad that I push hope down to protect myself. Remembering that I cannot cultivate hope and interact with the world as it is, breaks my cold little heart.

So if you need me, I’ll just be over here, having a sad.

Russell Prichard is an emergency medicine resident.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Physicians are human and grief is as much a part of the human experience as love

October 20, 2021 Kevin 0
…
Next

I was thinking about retiring, and COVID-19 gave me a push [PODCAST]

October 20, 2021 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: Emergency Medicine

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Physicians are human and grief is as much a part of the human experience as love
Next Post >
I was thinking about retiring, and COVID-19 gave me a push [PODCAST]

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD
  • How a physician keynote can highlight your conference

    Kevin Pho, MD
  • Chasing numbers contributes to physician burnout

    DrizzleMD
  • When you’re a physician, you’re a detective

    Lauren Joseph
  • The black physician’s burden

    Naomi Tweyo Nkinsi
  • Why this physician supports Medicare for all

    Thad Salmon, MD

More in Physician

  • Why we fear being forgotten more than death itself

    Patrick Hudson, MD
  • From basketball to bedside: Finding connection through March Madness

    Caitlin J. McCarthy, MD
  • The invisible weight carried by Black female physicians

    Trisza Leann Ray, DO
  • A female doctor’s day: exhaustion, sacrifice, and a single moment of joy

    Dr. Damane Zehra
  • The hidden cost of malpractice: Why doctors are losing control

    Howard Smith, MD
  • How scales of justice saved a doctor-patient relationship

    Neil Baum, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The broken health care system doesn’t have to break you

      Jessie Mahoney, MD | Physician
    • How scales of justice saved a doctor-patient relationship

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • How dismantling DEI endangers the future of medical care

      Shashank Madhu and Christian Tallo | Education
    • Why shared decision-making in medicine often fails

      M. Bennet Broner, PhD | Conditions
    • “Think twice, heal once”: Why medical decision-making needs a second opinion from your slower brain (and AI)

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Tech
    • Do Jewish students face rising bias in holistic admissions?

      Anonymous | Education
  • Past 6 Months

    • What’s driving medical students away from primary care?

      ​​Vineeth Amba, MPH, Archita Goyal, and Wayne Altman, MD | Education
    • Internal Medicine 2025: inspiration at the annual meeting

      American College of Physicians | Physician
    • A faster path to becoming a doctor is possible—here’s how

      Ankit Jain | Education
    • Residency as rehearsal: the new pediatric hospitalist fellowship requirement scam

      Anonymous | Physician
    • Are quotas a solution to physician shortages?

      Jacob Murphy | Education
    • The hidden bias in how we treat chronic pain

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
  • Recent Posts

    • Surviving kidney disease and reforming patient care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why we fear being forgotten more than death itself

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • My journey from misdiagnosis to living fully with APBD

      Jeff Cooper | Conditions
    • Antimicrobial resistance: a public health crisis that needs your voice [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why a fourth year will not fix emergency medicine’s real problems

      Anna Heffron, MD, PhD & Polly Wiltz, DO | Education
    • Why shared decision-making in medicine often fails

      M. Bennet Broner, PhD | Conditions

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The broken health care system doesn’t have to break you

      Jessie Mahoney, MD | Physician
    • How scales of justice saved a doctor-patient relationship

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • How dismantling DEI endangers the future of medical care

      Shashank Madhu and Christian Tallo | Education
    • Why shared decision-making in medicine often fails

      M. Bennet Broner, PhD | Conditions
    • “Think twice, heal once”: Why medical decision-making needs a second opinion from your slower brain (and AI)

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Tech
    • Do Jewish students face rising bias in holistic admissions?

      Anonymous | Education
  • Past 6 Months

    • What’s driving medical students away from primary care?

      ​​Vineeth Amba, MPH, Archita Goyal, and Wayne Altman, MD | Education
    • Internal Medicine 2025: inspiration at the annual meeting

      American College of Physicians | Physician
    • A faster path to becoming a doctor is possible—here’s how

      Ankit Jain | Education
    • Residency as rehearsal: the new pediatric hospitalist fellowship requirement scam

      Anonymous | Physician
    • Are quotas a solution to physician shortages?

      Jacob Murphy | Education
    • The hidden bias in how we treat chronic pain

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
  • Recent Posts

    • Surviving kidney disease and reforming patient care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why we fear being forgotten more than death itself

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • My journey from misdiagnosis to living fully with APBD

      Jeff Cooper | Conditions
    • Antimicrobial resistance: a public health crisis that needs your voice [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why a fourth year will not fix emergency medicine’s real problems

      Anna Heffron, MD, PhD & Polly Wiltz, DO | Education
    • Why shared decision-making in medicine often fails

      M. Bennet Broner, PhD | Conditions

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...