Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

How cruelty destroys: the unseen struggles of medical professionals

Anonymous
Physician
October 15, 2024
Share
Tweet
Share

I am a person—a person with hopes, dreams, fears, and a favorite color. I am just like anyone else, trying to find my place in this world. Yet you only see me as a nuisance. I am always in your way, you say. I am an idiot. My existence is like a personal insult to you—and you never miss a chance to show it.

I was once a bright-eyed child full of hope, ready to change the world. I stuck my father’s stethoscope to his chest, listening to his heartbeat as he told me I could be anything I wanted to be if I set my mind to it. I had not yet learned how cruel this world can be. I had not yet learned how cruel people can be. I dreamed, and I dreamed. I worked with everything I had to fulfill my dreams, or at least what I thought were my dreams.

I want to ask you: “Do you have a daughter? A sister, maybe?” Imagine someone looking at her with the same disdain you show me. Imagine someone tearing her to pieces like a rabid dog for the fun of it. Does this break your heart?

I am just as much a person as whoever you just thought of. What makes me somehow an exception? I am a human being, just like you, just like her. What makes you blind to this? What have I done? I would readily apologize if you could tell me what I did to make you despise me so much.

I was once a young medical student, full of hope and excitement, as I eagerly recited the Hippocratic Oath. I meant those words with all my heart and felt a deep sense of honor and sincerity as I put on my white coat for the first time. I studied tirelessly, believing it would all be worth it someday. I was excited and intimidated when I went to the hospital for my clinical rotations. But you did not put me at ease.

This is where it began—where the first daggers were plunged through the heart of my self-esteem. You told me I was in the way—I was not supposed to be there. You told me I was an idiot and laughed when I did something incorrectly. I was new—how could I know what to do? Everyone else watched wordlessly—no one ever stopped you. No one ever protected me. I hid in the bathroom so that you could not have the satisfaction of seeing my tears.

I was once an intern physician, eager and excited to make a difference in patients’ lives. “Now that I am a fully-fledged physician, it will be different, right?” I naively told myself. Wrong. I was so wrong. Again, you shouted that I was in your way. I was not supposed to be there. You laughed in my face and told me I was an idiot. You talked down to me. You never let me go a day without forgetting how worthless I was. I learned not to protect myself because it only ever hurt me more. I cried myself to sleep, always dreading the following day when I would have to go through it all over again.

I continued. I pushed through despite it all, hoping that one day it would get better. I worked and worked harder, hoping for your approval. But nothing I ever did made any difference. I could do no right in your eyes, after all. You continued to berate me, calling me an idiot while others looked on silently. Despite it all, I tried to reassure myself: “Things will get better eventually, will they not?” It never got better.

I was once a person.

For years, you told me that I was not, every single day. Now I believe you. The eager little girl with her dad’s stethoscope and the hopeful, bright-eyed medical student passionately reciting the Hippocratic Oath have died. I am what remains, wandering the hospital halls as a soulless zombie, apathy replacing all else. But your words no longer sting because I no longer feel anything at all.

I was once a person.

You win.

The author is an anonymous physician.

Prev

Stop calling me “doctor”: the nurse practitioner’s fight for recognition

October 15, 2024 Kevin 0
…
Next

Why calling nurse practitioners "doctor" undermines the nursing profession [PODCAST]

October 15, 2024 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: Surgery

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Stop calling me “doctor”: the nurse practitioner’s fight for recognition
Next Post >
Why calling nurse practitioners "doctor" undermines the nursing profession [PODCAST]

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Anonymous

  • Medical students in Korea face expulsion for speaking out

    Anonymous
  • Residency as rehearsal: the new pediatric hospitalist fellowship requirement scam

    Anonymous
  • The altar of equity: a cautionary tale from the temple of healing

    Anonymous

Related Posts

  • The unseen struggles of Native medical students

    Katlin Wilson, Cailean MacColl, and Amanda Dionne
  • How the COVID-19 pandemic highlights the need for social media training in medical education 

    Oscar Chen, Sera Choi, and Clara Seong
  • 5 things medical professionals can do to take climate action 

    Natasha Sood and Sarah Hsu
  • Inside Out 2: How new emotions mirror medical student struggles

    Emil Chuck, PhD
  • Unveiling the hidden impact of social inflation: Soaring costs for medical professionals revealed

    Robert E. White, Jr. & The Doctors Company
  • Medical school gap year: Why working as a medical assistant is perfect

    Natalie Enyedi

More in Physician

  • The invisible weight carried by Black female physicians

    Trisza Leann Ray, DO
  • A female doctor’s day: exhaustion, sacrifice, and a single moment of joy

    Dr. Damane Zehra
  • The hidden cost of malpractice: Why doctors are losing control

    Howard Smith, MD
  • How scales of justice saved a doctor-patient relationship

    Neil Baum, MD
  • Rediscovering the soul of medicine in the quiet of a Sunday morning

    Syed Ahmad Moosa, MD
  • The broken health care system doesn’t have to break you

    Jessie Mahoney, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Make cognitive testing as routine as a blood pressure check

      Joshua Baker and James Jackson, PsyD | Conditions
    • The broken health care system doesn’t have to break you

      Jessie Mahoney, MD | Physician
    • How dismantling DEI endangers the future of medical care

      Shashank Madhu and Christian Tallo | Education
    • How scales of justice saved a doctor-patient relationship

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • The dreaded question: Do you have boys or girls?

      Pamela Adelstein, MD | Physician
    • Rethinking patient payments: Why billing is the new frontline of patient care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • What’s driving medical students away from primary care?

      ​​Vineeth Amba, MPH, Archita Goyal, and Wayne Altman, MD | Education
    • What happened to real care in health care?

      Christopher H. Foster, PhD, MPA | Policy
    • Internal Medicine 2025: inspiration at the annual meeting

      American College of Physicians | Physician
    • A faster path to becoming a doctor is possible—here’s how

      Ankit Jain | Education
    • The hidden bias in how we treat chronic pain

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • Residency as rehearsal: the new pediatric hospitalist fellowship requirement scam

      Anonymous | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Jumpstarting African health care with the beats of innovation

      Princess Benson | Conditions
    • Empowering IBD patients: tools for managing symptoms between doctor visits [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Voices from the inside: 35 years as a nurse in health care

      Virginia DeFranco, RN | Conditions
    • “Think twice, heal once”: Why medical decision-making needs a second opinion from your slower brain (and AI)

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Tech
    • The invisible weight carried by Black female physicians

      Trisza Leann Ray, DO | Physician
    • A female doctor’s day: exhaustion, sacrifice, and a single moment of joy

      Dr. Damane Zehra | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 1 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Make cognitive testing as routine as a blood pressure check

      Joshua Baker and James Jackson, PsyD | Conditions
    • The broken health care system doesn’t have to break you

      Jessie Mahoney, MD | Physician
    • How dismantling DEI endangers the future of medical care

      Shashank Madhu and Christian Tallo | Education
    • How scales of justice saved a doctor-patient relationship

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • The dreaded question: Do you have boys or girls?

      Pamela Adelstein, MD | Physician
    • Rethinking patient payments: Why billing is the new frontline of patient care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • What’s driving medical students away from primary care?

      ​​Vineeth Amba, MPH, Archita Goyal, and Wayne Altman, MD | Education
    • What happened to real care in health care?

      Christopher H. Foster, PhD, MPA | Policy
    • Internal Medicine 2025: inspiration at the annual meeting

      American College of Physicians | Physician
    • A faster path to becoming a doctor is possible—here’s how

      Ankit Jain | Education
    • The hidden bias in how we treat chronic pain

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • Residency as rehearsal: the new pediatric hospitalist fellowship requirement scam

      Anonymous | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Jumpstarting African health care with the beats of innovation

      Princess Benson | Conditions
    • Empowering IBD patients: tools for managing symptoms between doctor visits [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Voices from the inside: 35 years as a nurse in health care

      Virginia DeFranco, RN | Conditions
    • “Think twice, heal once”: Why medical decision-making needs a second opinion from your slower brain (and AI)

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Tech
    • The invisible weight carried by Black female physicians

      Trisza Leann Ray, DO | Physician
    • A female doctor’s day: exhaustion, sacrifice, and a single moment of joy

      Dr. Damane Zehra | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

How cruelty destroys: the unseen struggles of medical professionals
1 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...