Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

How cruelty destroys: the unseen struggles of medical professionals

Anonymous
Physician
October 15, 2024
Share
Tweet
Share

I am a person—a person with hopes, dreams, fears, and a favorite color. I am just like anyone else, trying to find my place in this world. Yet you only see me as a nuisance. I am always in your way, you say. I am an idiot. My existence is like a personal insult to you—and you never miss a chance to show it.

I was once a bright-eyed child full of hope, ready to change the world. I stuck my father’s stethoscope to his chest, listening to his heartbeat as he told me I could be anything I wanted to be if I set my mind to it. I had not yet learned how cruel this world can be. I had not yet learned how cruel people can be. I dreamed, and I dreamed. I worked with everything I had to fulfill my dreams, or at least what I thought were my dreams.

I want to ask you: “Do you have a daughter? A sister, maybe?” Imagine someone looking at her with the same disdain you show me. Imagine someone tearing her to pieces like a rabid dog for the fun of it. Does this break your heart?

I am just as much a person as whoever you just thought of. What makes me somehow an exception? I am a human being, just like you, just like her. What makes you blind to this? What have I done? I would readily apologize if you could tell me what I did to make you despise me so much.

I was once a young medical student, full of hope and excitement, as I eagerly recited the Hippocratic Oath. I meant those words with all my heart and felt a deep sense of honor and sincerity as I put on my white coat for the first time. I studied tirelessly, believing it would all be worth it someday. I was excited and intimidated when I went to the hospital for my clinical rotations. But you did not put me at ease.

This is where it began—where the first daggers were plunged through the heart of my self-esteem. You told me I was in the way—I was not supposed to be there. You told me I was an idiot and laughed when I did something incorrectly. I was new—how could I know what to do? Everyone else watched wordlessly—no one ever stopped you. No one ever protected me. I hid in the bathroom so that you could not have the satisfaction of seeing my tears.

I was once an intern physician, eager and excited to make a difference in patients’ lives. “Now that I am a fully-fledged physician, it will be different, right?” I naively told myself. Wrong. I was so wrong. Again, you shouted that I was in your way. I was not supposed to be there. You laughed in my face and told me I was an idiot. You talked down to me. You never let me go a day without forgetting how worthless I was. I learned not to protect myself because it only ever hurt me more. I cried myself to sleep, always dreading the following day when I would have to go through it all over again.

I continued. I pushed through despite it all, hoping that one day it would get better. I worked and worked harder, hoping for your approval. But nothing I ever did made any difference. I could do no right in your eyes, after all. You continued to berate me, calling me an idiot while others looked on silently. Despite it all, I tried to reassure myself: “Things will get better eventually, will they not?” It never got better.

I was once a person.

For years, you told me that I was not, every single day. Now I believe you. The eager little girl with her dad’s stethoscope and the hopeful, bright-eyed medical student passionately reciting the Hippocratic Oath have died. I am what remains, wandering the hospital halls as a soulless zombie, apathy replacing all else. But your words no longer sting because I no longer feel anything at all.

I was once a person.

You win.

The author is an anonymous physician.

Prev

Stop calling me “doctor”: the nurse practitioner’s fight for recognition

October 15, 2024 Kevin 0
…
Next

Why calling nurse practitioners "doctor" undermines the nursing profession [PODCAST]

October 15, 2024 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: Surgery

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Stop calling me “doctor”: the nurse practitioner’s fight for recognition
Next Post >
Why calling nurse practitioners "doctor" undermines the nursing profession [PODCAST]

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Anonymous

  • When the white coats become gatekeepers: How a quiet cartel strangles America’s health

    Anonymous
  • Graduating from medical school without family: a story of strength and survival

    Anonymous
  • Why young doctors in South Korea feel broken before they even begin

    Anonymous

Related Posts

  • The unseen struggles of Native medical students

    Katlin Wilson, Cailean MacColl, and Amanda Dionne
  • How the COVID-19 pandemic highlights the need for social media training in medical education 

    Oscar Chen, Sera Choi, and Clara Seong
  • 5 things medical professionals can do to take climate action 

    Natasha Sood and Sarah Hsu
  • Inside Out 2: How new emotions mirror medical student struggles

    Emil Chuck, PhD
  • Unveiling the hidden impact of social inflation: Soaring costs for medical professionals revealed

    Robert E. White, Jr. & The Doctors Company
  • Medical school gap year: Why working as a medical assistant is perfect

    Natalie Enyedi

More in Physician

  • The shocking risk every smart student faces when applying to medical school

    Curtis G. Graham, MD
  • The physician who turned burnout into a mission for change

    Jessie Mahoney, MD
  • Time theft: the unseen harm of abusive oversight

    Kayvan Haddadan, MD
  • Why more doctors are leaving clinical practice and how it helps health care

    Arlen Meyers, MD, MBA
  • Harassment and overreach are driving physicians to quit

    Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD
  • Why starting with why can transform your medical practice

    Neil Baum, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Who gets to be well in America: Immigrant health is on the line

      Joshua Vasquez, MD | Policy
    • Why specialist pain clinics and addiction treatment services require strong primary care

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Conditions
    • Harassment and overreach are driving physicians to quit

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Physician
    • Why peer support can save lives in high-pressure medical careers

      Maire Daugharty, MD | Conditions
    • When a medical office sublease turns into a legal nightmare

      Ralph Messo, DO | Physician
    • Addressing menstrual health inequities in adolescents

      Callia Georgoulis | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • Who gets to be well in America: Immigrant health is on the line

      Joshua Vasquez, MD | Policy
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • The shocking risk every smart student faces when applying to medical school

      Curtis G. Graham, MD | Physician
    • Clinical ghosts and why they haunt our exam rooms

      Kara Wada, MD | Conditions
    • High blood pressure’s hidden impact on kidney health in older adults

      Edmond Kubi Appiah, MPH | Conditions
    • Deep transcranial magnetic stimulation for depression [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How declining MMR vaccination rates put future generations at risk

      Ambika Sharma, Onyi Oligbo, and Katrina Green, MD | Conditions
    • The physician who turned burnout into a mission for change

      Jessie Mahoney, MD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 1 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Who gets to be well in America: Immigrant health is on the line

      Joshua Vasquez, MD | Policy
    • Why specialist pain clinics and addiction treatment services require strong primary care

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Conditions
    • Harassment and overreach are driving physicians to quit

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Physician
    • Why peer support can save lives in high-pressure medical careers

      Maire Daugharty, MD | Conditions
    • When a medical office sublease turns into a legal nightmare

      Ralph Messo, DO | Physician
    • Addressing menstrual health inequities in adolescents

      Callia Georgoulis | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • Who gets to be well in America: Immigrant health is on the line

      Joshua Vasquez, MD | Policy
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • The shocking risk every smart student faces when applying to medical school

      Curtis G. Graham, MD | Physician
    • Clinical ghosts and why they haunt our exam rooms

      Kara Wada, MD | Conditions
    • High blood pressure’s hidden impact on kidney health in older adults

      Edmond Kubi Appiah, MPH | Conditions
    • Deep transcranial magnetic stimulation for depression [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How declining MMR vaccination rates put future generations at risk

      Ambika Sharma, Onyi Oligbo, and Katrina Green, MD | Conditions
    • The physician who turned burnout into a mission for change

      Jessie Mahoney, MD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

How cruelty destroys: the unseen struggles of medical professionals
1 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...