How being "the problem" can make you a force for change

The people unwilling to tolerate the BS in the face of dysfunction are often identified as the problem by those who have adapted to and/or benefit from maintaining the status quo. Too often, we believe it—that we are the problem. By challenging this belief and reframing it, we can reclaim our narrative and empower ourselves to stay true to our mission. We can keep being “the problem” in ways that align with our capacity to make the changes we wish to see in the world.

I grew up in family dysfunction that has qualities similar to the health care system (which may explain why it felt so cozy yet confusing to navigate while seeking wellness for patients and myself).

Yesterday, I was in therapy. While I don’t typically share what was said behind closed doors, I want to normalize going to therapy. My therapist is an amazing therapist and coach whose words helped me see my life through a new lens—one I’d like to share with others who might need to hear them.

During the session, I embraced both pain and healing as I let go of the illusion of what I thought my life could have been. I reflected on how much responsibility I had taken for dysfunctional systemic issues—whether familial, societal, health care, or military—and for my perceived “failings” along the way.

The therapist challenged my thinking by reframing the messages I had received. Those messages included years of being told I was “the problem” (a label I had adopted as true and bad) whenever I stood up for change in the face of systemic oppression and maltreatment.

He said (paraphrased): “You were the problem. You wouldn’t tolerate the BS, and the other individuals had adapted to the dysfunction.” My intolerance and push for change had been a problem for those resistant to change and those who benefited from the status quo.

I f’ing love this reframe.

For me, it completely reshaped the meaning I gave to being “the problem” when advocating for myself and others in ways that have been authentic and aligned with my values.

Have you been labeled “the problem” when advocating for change? How does this reframe impact your perception of yourself? Is there anything you would have done differently or kept the same?

What are the benefits and risks of being “the problem”? It can be empowering to recognize that being “the problem” is often a good thing. However, there are also real-life ramifications we need to prepare for when systems resist change—and when they will seemingly do anything to silence us.

The therapist also told me (paraphrased): “I’d tell you if you really were the problem, work with you to consider how you got there, and support you in addressing that. I’m not just blowing smoke.”

Hahaha! I value this approach because transparency is an act of kindness for me. I’d rather someone call out my BS than leave me with blind spots.

So, fellow disruptors and empowered badasses who refuse to tolerate BS: how can we continue being “the problem” in ways that align with our authentic selves and create the change we wish to see in this world?