Jillian Rigert is a physician coach and a marriage and family therapy graduate student.
“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche
When I lost meaning in and for my life while questioning my career path as a surgical resident, I lost motivation to eat and isolated in guilt and shame. Looking back, I had given up the very things that I now realize give life meaning in the pursuit of my career: relationships (including friendship and community …
Lose weight and you’ll be happy,
They say …
I wasn’t happy,
I was exhausted and depleted.
You’re so disciplined,
They say …
As I starved myself
And had to earn my food.
I wish I could have your problem,
They say …
Brainwashed into thinking,
Smaller is better.
How do you always eat so “healthy”?
They ask …
While my list of “safe” foods
Grows shorter and shorter.
As I dream of being free
And escaping the prison in my mind …
They wonder how to be …
After I was medically discharged from the military for seeking mental health treatment and transitioned out of surgery residency to recover, I isolated in guilt, shame, and exhaustion.
Despite my surgery program director telling me repeatedly that he was not disappointed in me and supporting me fully in my decision to transition into a different specialty where I could better take care of my health, I felt worthless …
I used to pride myself on being a perfectionist and high achiever, and I held onto those identities tightly. Today, my diplomas are stored in a box at the bottom of a closet. I recycled the majority of my race medals, and reviewing my CV contributes to pain. I have created space from these visual reminders of how hard my past self worked to feel some sense of worthiness in …
Society is obsessed with weight loss. Part of my brain is, too, albeit I am well aware that there will be no number low enough on the scale to satisfy that part of me.
Anorexia nervosa is a poorly understood and mismanaged condition from my perspective as a health care professional and patient with lived experience. Society seems to glorify anorexia, and people compliment what may often be maladaptive behaviors (such …
The people unwilling to tolerate the BS in the face of dysfunction are often identified as the problem by those who have adapted to and/or benefit from maintaining the status quo. Too often, we believe it—that we are the problem. By challenging this belief and reframing it, we can reclaim our narrative and empower ourselves to stay true to our mission. We …
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned on my hero’s journey is the importance of learning to accept ourselves (our full selves).
I couldn’t sit across from patients, clients, friends, or family members the way I wanted to until I started to love all parts of me. When I am grounded in love for all parts of me, I show up differently. I show up better able to love all parts …
You can’t tell how much someone is suffering by looking at them—one reason I don’t share my journey with anorexia using photos to signify my mental health status. I’ve suffered more when appearing well, and “before and after photos” would spread misconceptions about eating disorders. They don’t magically go away with weight restoration and nourishment.
People assume I no longer live with anorexia. I perceive this is partially due to the …
When people don’t understand the depths of hell the brain can take someone to, I am relieved for them. And I am also grateful for the journey I’ve been on—I would never have understood how someone who appeared “successful” on paper could consider taking their own life and think they didn’t matter unless I had lived it.
When I developed intense and pervasive suicidal ideation, I was on top of the …
In 2019, I bought a condo, as growing up with the image of the American Dream told me to buy a house as soon as I could. I loved my little condo, but I felt trapped.
I decorated the rooms and made it a home, but it wasn’t me.
In 2020, I sold it and nearly everything in it, minimizing my belongings. This was not the most economical decision when it came …
When you allow yourself to truly see and sit with the fact that we are only here for a short period of time, it can feel scary and also freeing.
My world became small when I started developing profound anxiety about dying. It was a good sign, actually, as I came from a place of apathy to wanting to live. Truly live. …
Such calmness,
Groundedness,
Beauty,
Standing tall and mighty.
The sense of peace in your presence—
Protected,
Safe,
A patient teacher.
No rah-rah, motivational fluff.
Quiet, yet confident,
Not rushing,
Not chasing,
Not running around striving.
Still, grounded, present.
In a world where people tell me I need to take big financial risks to be fulfilled, I say bullsh*t.
My inner fulfillment is felt when still, calm, and trusting that this simple life I cherish is the most fulfilling of all. Connected to humans, connected to …
I’ve historically struggled with graduations and transitions—it’s why I help people with transitions now, as I’ve learned how essential it is to have support during these often isolating and destabilizing times. While transitions can be full of celebrations, gratitude, and pride, there are also times when we may experience grief, regret, loneliness, and everything in between.
Sitting with my current transition, I acknowledged many reasons why I tend to skip over …
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During my last inpatient admission one month before medical school graduation, an attending told me, “You talk about yourself like it’s one of your patients.” That’s exactly how it often felt (and still feels) to my brain. “This story is not me … not mine … I’m not sick,” my brain would offer me.
The brain does fascinating things to help us survive. Dissociating from my illness was likely supportive of …
In 2016, I sat on a hospital bed in Utah, having flown from North Carolina for specialized medical treatment as my life was slowly slipping away from starvation.
During this time, I was in the Air Force and an oral and maxillofacial surgery resident completing the medical school portion of my training, which I loved. On paper, I had made it. I was finally living the dream I had crafted for …
During her time working with people who were dying, nurse Bronnie Ware found that one of the top 5 regrets is, “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” (Source: The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware)
How do you know if you are living a life true to you? What steps may you take …
After reading the article “Terminal anorexia nervosa: three cases and proposed clinical characteristics,” I was grateful to have not had access to the article a year earlier – when I would have personally met criteria. I was holding on to a sliver of hope at the time that I could enter back into a quality of life worth living, though my exhausted mind wanted to allow anorexia nervosa to …
I sometimes grieve the life I left behind … and that’s OK. Necessary, even.
I wonder if I got in my own way, if I tried hard enough, if I fought hard enough. What would have happened if I believed in myself? Trusted that I could accomplish what I set out to do? Accepted love …
Life coach and author Martha Beck’s 4-Phase Change Cycle begins with Phase 1: “Death and Rebirth.” Martha’s blog contains the Phase I Mantra: “I don’t know what the hell is going on … and that’s OK.”
Many of us try to skip Phase 1. It’s uncomfortable. It’s painful. And, it’s necessary.
I finally accepted the value of Phase 1 after years of trying to jump into Phase 3 of Martha Beck’s Change …
For several years, I fixated on what was wrong with me rather than seeing what was right with me when I developed symptoms of severe depression.
If you’re struggling, too, you’re not broken, either. What is your brain telling you?
While I am not a mental health professional and strongly advocate for people to get the support they need, as I have done throughout my journey, I share this reflection as a …
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