Jillian Rigert is an oral medicine specialist and radiation oncology research fellow.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016. You called to check-in. You knew I was struggling.
Months before, I shared with you that I developed suicidal ideation and was not sure I should continue residency. The forced sleeplessness and self-doubt were getting to me.
Did I deserve to be a surgical resident? I felt worthless.
I was so damn tired.
You knew I was afraid to leave the surgery and what that would mean for my military …
I see your comments on social media, and I wonder: Why are you upset? How do the negative comments towards physician colleagues serve you?
This is not an attack (that would be hypocritical). Rather, I invite you to genuinely ask yourself these questions as I sense something familiar — a projection of frustration and pain, perhaps? And I wonder how we may stop projecting and, instead, indeed start healing together?
While I’ll …
We spend so much of our lives chasing a sense of doing “enough” and being “enough.”
Though I anticipate it’s been years in the making, I feel like I woke up one day and just had enough. This time, it wasn’t in a hopeless way. It was more of an awakening and permission to stop running on the treadmill to nowhere.
At first, I felt a wave of grief as I let …
In 2017, I was medically discharged from the military due to an exacerbation of an eating disorder. At that time, anorexia nervosa (AN) provided relief from the depression that I had developed secondary to the multitude of stressors that came with being in the Air Force and an oral and maxillofacial surgery resident. Years later, I have made major career pivots to regain my health. However, military and medical culture …
First, this article is not to discredit or compare to anyone. This article is not to take away the celebrations of those whose behavioral changes have made them feel more healthy and fulfilled in their lives — though I will challenge the emphasis on the number on the scale as an outcome measurement to use for such celebrations. This article is to shine a light on a less commonly discussed, …
“Peace is your home, integrity is the way to it, and everything you long for will meet you there.”
– Martha Beck
In 2017, the blueprint I had crafted for my life evaporated before my eyes.
Up until that point, I had systematically checked off the steps to becoming an Air Force oral and maxillofacial surgeon. I was in the Air Force, and I was in oral and maxillofacial surgery (OMFS) residency. I …
Until recently, I have remained relatively silent in the realm of eating disorder advocacy and silenced by the exhaustion of my own lived experience with an eating disorder. However, my silence further contributed to the pain. So now, I speak. And as I speak, I will reflect on the issues that led to my former silence and why we must use our voices.
The need for this work was validated during …
When you hear someone talk about a relationship that is oppressive, shameful, controlling, and detrimental to the person’s physical, mental, psychological, and spiritual wellbeing: How would you define the relationship? Would you want the person to stay?
If you heard someone say that their relationship made them isolated, depressed, disconnected: Would you encourage them to stay?
This is the type of relationship people are often pushed into when subject to weight biases …
Trigger warning: This article discusses suicidal ideation. Please use your best judgment in reading. I am sharing my journey with caution in hopes that my reflection will help others, and I invite you to continue shall you feel it’s a safe and appropriate time for you to join in this discussion.
I am no stranger to existential crises. The moments where I realize my mortality and have a mild panic about …
Early into my military career and as an oral and maxillofacial surgery resident, I started to acknowledge the fact that, during periods of sleep deprivation that were initially inherent to my military training hours and then surgery call requirements, I found myself thinking dark thoughts that I had never experienced before. I scheduled an appointment with a Psychiatrist and was diagnosed with depression. Scratch that. I was diagnosed with “high …
A few days ago, I talked to a mentor and brought up my anorexia recovery journey. Using my voice after years of suffering in silence has been instrumental in releasing myself from the inner torment while trying to create purpose from the pain. When I mentioned my struggle with anorexia, the mentor responded, “How are you doing, now?” followed by one of my most dreaded comments: “I mean … You …
Throughout my recovery journey from anorexia with a propensity for compulsive exercise, I have often heard, in a tone full of self-judgment, “I have the opposite problem.”
What the person is typically referring to is that they feel they eat too much, exercise too little, or both. The self-judgment usually reflects the way society places a positive value on undereating and over-exercising and negative connotation on the opposite. The interactions demonstrate …
From 2013 to 2017, I was in the Air Force, selected to become an oral and maxillofacial surgeon, and would soon embark on my residency journey to get there.
Up until this point, my educational path was linear. I completed undergrad and committed to dental school during my first year as I was accepted into a fast track 3:4 program which meant that I would complete three years of undergrad followed …
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Thank you, Dr. Kara Pepper, for your recent article “Why you should not use BMI for your New Year’s resolution.”
Our weight-obsessed, BMI-focused culture has been a thorn in my side for much of my life. And since eating disorders thrive in secrecy, let’s get talking. In sharing my story, I hope to encourage revision of the way we speak to patients and utilize (or do not utilize) …
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