“If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you.”
– Dale Carnegie, How to Make Friends and Influence People

We all want to feel seen, recognized, and appreciated. That’s human nature. But where do you get your feeling of importance? What aspects of yourself are essential to who you are and how you want to be seen? For me, and many who are drawn to careers in health care, the answer is often helping others, being altruistic, or giving solace. We think of ourselves as giving and helpful and feel really good about that identity.

The trouble comes when being attached to that way of seeing ourselves leads us to avoid saying no or setting healthy boundaries. If disappointing others conflicts with who we see ourselves as being and who we aspire to be, it’s very easy to avoid it by accommodating, contorting, or giving in. The result is saying yes to requests that you know you should turn down. It’s running behind during the day and pajama time charting at night, because you don’t know how to tactfully and effectively manage your time in patient visits. It’s hours spent on volunteer committees you don’t want to serve on, because you can’t say no when invited. The ultimate result is frustration, work spillover, physical and emotional exhaustion, burnout, and serious consideration to cutting back or leaving your job.

If this portrayal resonates with you, take these steps to regain your time, energy, and well-being.

• Notice your inner people pleaser: Be compassionate with yourself, but begin seeing and labeling it.
• Give yourself permission to be part of the equation: Situations don’t need to be set up for the other person’s ease and comfort all the time.
• Keep your why at the forefront of your mind: What is the payoff to you (personal health, time to recharge, being really present with your family) if you set a healthy boundary?

Diane W. Shannon is an internal medicine physician and physician coach.