Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Death came in whatever he might be wearing at the time

Greg Smith, MD
Physician
September 26, 2012
Share
Tweet
Share

He was just a kid.

Fifteen I think, something like that, too young to have experienced too much in life at that point, but old enough to die by his own hand.

His father, only a year and change older than me, had already dealt with some issues of his own. Diabetes, a member of his family on both sides for generations, had already taken its toll on him by the time he hit his forties. An infection here, a partial amputation there, diminished eyesight and curtailed life’s work. He was dealing with it, and every time I saw him, which was rarely, he had a smile on his face and exuded that down home southern charm and sense of humor that hearkened back to his days as the star quarterback at his high school. He was happy then. But this death, this loss, this forceful ripping of the fabric of his own life hit him harder than any linebacker shooting the gap ever had. This death sacked him and took his breath away.

I heard bits and pieces of what had happened from the family. Eventually, I knew I just needed to get down there, to see and hear and grieve with them, if just for a little while. So I drove. It was hot, southern hot, bake under the shade trees hot. Sleeves rolled up, trying to show respect by wearing a tie, but nobody cared about that.

Death did not wear a tie.

Death came in whatever he might be wearing at the time. He slipped in casually, like an old friend or a relative, parking his hearse on the side of the old country road and walking up the long driveway to the house like the rest of us, turning his chair around backwards and swinging one leg over the back, straddling it, arms folded across it in from of him, tracing little arcs in the sand with the toe of his boot. Waiting under the shade trees with the family for the boy to come home. Knowing that he never would.

The boy had gotten involved in some stuff at school that was much worse than anyone knew. Information from friends drifted in as the months went by. Perusal of his computer enlightened his parents too little, too late. He had been a good kid, popular at school, dating, playing sports, involved. He had two loving parents and a sister and a nice house in the country and a life that some kids could only dream about.

The others held him to a promise that Sunday, told him that he had to do it. It was a rite of passage, I suppose, much like shaving for the first time when you didn’t really need to but felt obligated to because you were fifteen and it was just time to shave. The pills were there and they would be taken. Just before church would be the right time. It would be easy. He could not fail.

But as in all plans made by fifteen year olds, plans that are half thought out and incompletely mapped, something went wrong. The pills, the trip to church, the sickness, the overwhelming sickness that threatened not to kill but to embarrass, all spun out of control. The teenage thoughts about the wrath of his parents that would be so terrible and swift that it could not be endured.

He went home, up the stairs to the bedroom, mother in constant attendance at this point, to lie down and get through it. The mental and physical torture of sickness and guilt and worry about peer reprisals and parental punishment and all of it must have been too painful, too horrible, too frightening for this boy, this child. When mother went out the door, down the stairs to fetch a glass of water, Death glided silently into that room. He walked to the corner and stood, his gaze fixed not on the boy (the boy would take care of himself) but the nightstand. Death knew what was in the nightstand, and so did the boy. An end to the pain of embarrassment, the fear of punishment, the torture of facing them. An end that at fifteen, even at fifteen, his child brain, his child mind could not fully understand (how could he?). A single moment that he saw as parole, but that would be a lifetime prison sentence for his tortured family.

She heard the single shot from downstairs.

Death passed her, boots softly scuffing the carpet as he went downstairs to wait outside for the boy’s father to come home as soon as he received the news. She frantically ran up to the room, feeling a cold chill, knowing in her mother’s heart what had just happened. Not understanding, but knowing.

The boy, the child, the life cleanly snuffed out, the unfulfilled promise of things that would never be. Small. Inert.

The gun. Small. Spent.

Death, boots scuffing through the hot sand outside, pulling up a chair, swinging his leg across the back, lighting up, taking a first long drag, and waiting, as he always did, in the shade.

Greg Smith is a psychiatrist who blogs at gregsmithmd.

ADVERTISEMENT

Prev

5 things that I want my patients to know

September 26, 2012 Kevin 7
…
Next

Morning rounds in the SICU

September 27, 2012 Kevin 2
…

Tagged as: Patients, Primary Care

Post navigation

< Previous Post
5 things that I want my patients to know
Next Post >
Morning rounds in the SICU

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Greg Smith, MD

  • Finding peace after years of abuse: a journey through grief

    Greg Smith, MD
  • What would you save if your house was on fire?

    Greg Smith, MD
  • Lessons learned in psychiatry: How experience shapes your career

    Greg Smith, MD

More in Physician

  • How tragedy shaped a medical career

    Ronald L. Lindsay, MD
  • A doctor’s guide to preparing for your death

    Joseph Pepe, MD
  • How policy and stigma block addiction treatment

    Mariana Ndrio, MD
  • Why don’t women in medicine support each other?

    Jessie Mahoney, MD
  • IMGs are the future of U.S. primary care

    Adam Brandon Bondoc, MD
  • The high cost of gender inequity in medicine

    Kolleen Dougherty, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why your clinic waiting room may affect patient outcomes

      Ziya Altug, PT, DPT and Shirish Sachdeva, PT, DPT | Conditions
    • The human case for preserving the nipple after mastectomy

      Thomas Amburn, MD | Conditions
    • Nuclear verdicts and rising costs: How inflation is reshaping medical malpractice claims

      Robert E. White, Jr. & The Doctors Company | Policy
    • How new loan caps could destroy diversity in medical education

      Caleb Andrus-Gazyeva | Policy
    • The ethical crossroads of medicine and legislation

      M. Bennet Broner, PhD | Conditions
    • How community and buses saved my retirement

      Raymond Abbott | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • Health equity in Inland Southern California requires urgent action

      Vishruth Nagam | Policy
    • Why transgender health care needs urgent reform and inclusive practices

      Angela Rodriguez, MD | Conditions
    • How restrictive opioid policies worsen the crisis

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
    • Why primary care needs better dermatology training

      Alex Siauw | Conditions
    • New student loan caps could shut low-income students out of medicine

      Tom Phan, MD | Physician
    • Why pain doctors face unfair scrutiny and harsh penalties in California

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • How tragedy shaped a medical career

      Ronald L. Lindsay, MD | Physician
    • A doctor’s guide to preparing for your death

      Joseph Pepe, MD | Physician
    • Coconut oil’s role in Alzheimer’s and depression

      Marc Arginteanu, MD | Conditions
    • How policy and stigma block addiction treatment

      Mariana Ndrio, MD | Physician
    • Unused IV catheters cost U.S. hospitals billions

      Piyush Pillarisetti | Policy
    • Why U.S. universities should adopt a standard pre-med major [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 2 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why your clinic waiting room may affect patient outcomes

      Ziya Altug, PT, DPT and Shirish Sachdeva, PT, DPT | Conditions
    • The human case for preserving the nipple after mastectomy

      Thomas Amburn, MD | Conditions
    • Nuclear verdicts and rising costs: How inflation is reshaping medical malpractice claims

      Robert E. White, Jr. & The Doctors Company | Policy
    • How new loan caps could destroy diversity in medical education

      Caleb Andrus-Gazyeva | Policy
    • The ethical crossroads of medicine and legislation

      M. Bennet Broner, PhD | Conditions
    • How community and buses saved my retirement

      Raymond Abbott | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • Health equity in Inland Southern California requires urgent action

      Vishruth Nagam | Policy
    • Why transgender health care needs urgent reform and inclusive practices

      Angela Rodriguez, MD | Conditions
    • How restrictive opioid policies worsen the crisis

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
    • Why primary care needs better dermatology training

      Alex Siauw | Conditions
    • New student loan caps could shut low-income students out of medicine

      Tom Phan, MD | Physician
    • Why pain doctors face unfair scrutiny and harsh penalties in California

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • How tragedy shaped a medical career

      Ronald L. Lindsay, MD | Physician
    • A doctor’s guide to preparing for your death

      Joseph Pepe, MD | Physician
    • Coconut oil’s role in Alzheimer’s and depression

      Marc Arginteanu, MD | Conditions
    • How policy and stigma block addiction treatment

      Mariana Ndrio, MD | Physician
    • Unused IV catheters cost U.S. hospitals billions

      Piyush Pillarisetti | Policy
    • Why U.S. universities should adopt a standard pre-med major [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Death came in whatever he might be wearing at the time
2 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...