Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

How our children turn out isn’t really up to us

Claire McCarthy, MD
Physician
October 11, 2012
Share
Tweet
Share

My two oldest children recently left for semesters abroad: Michaela went to Paris, and Zack to Beijing. I have all sorts of Mommy nervousness about this, but in my heart I know they’ll be fine. They are adults now, at 21 and 20—and not just adults, but capable, responsible, great people.

I don’t know how that happened.

I know that sounds stupid. And it’s not like I have no clue at all. But recently a few people have complimented us on our parenting, pointing to how great Michaela and Zack have turned out. I should be flattered, I suppose, but I know better than to think that my husband and I are responsible for everything about how our kids turn out. It just doesn’t work that way.

There’s all the genetics and biology, for one thing. There’s nothing like having five kids to make it really clear that kids are, well, born the way they are. I patted myself on the back because Michaela would eat anything I gave her, including any vegetable—and then Zack was born and would only eat White Foods and it turned out that I’d had nothing to do with Michaela’s dietary openness at all. Each child has been born with a different temperament, a different passion, a different way of navigating life. I see traces of myself and my husband in them, but they are their own people.

We have done our best to teach them to be honest, hard-working, kind and honorable. We’ve done everything we could to support them while teaching them to be independent. We’ve guided, pushed and comforted. We’ve loved them desperately, every day.

But we haven’t shown that love every day; we’ve screwed up too. We’ve pushed when we shouldn’t have and not pushed when we should have. We’ve gotten plenty cranky. We’ve misunderstood, misjudged and overreacted. With five kids, we certainly haven’t given each the time he or she needed or deserved.

And there are so many other people and factors that impact a child’s life. There are the teachers and coaches and friends and everyone else—there are so many relationships and moments, some of which I’ll never know, that have been and still are part of making my children who they are.

When I look back on my childhood, it’s moments I remember. Being at the beach with my father at sunset. Building dollhouses with my sister. Walking to the store with my best friend. I remember happy moments, sad moments, arguments and hugs. I remember conversations and books and kickball games and tests. I remember falling in love for the first time—and the first time my heart was broken—and my first day at college. There are so many moments, involving so many different people. They are like puzzle pieces, bits that came together to make me.

Thomas Wolfe wrote (in Look Homeward, Angel, one of my favorite books): “But we are the sum of all the moments of our lives—all that is ours is in them: we cannot escape or conceal it.”

We are in lots of the moments of our children’s lives, obviously—but how they see and feel and use those moments isn’t always what we intend or expect, and there are so many other moments that fill up their lives. That’s the thing about parenthood: we can teach and discipline our children, and love them and nurture them, but ultimately how they turn out isn’t really up to us. They make their own puzzle-piece lives.

All we can do is try our hardest, and hope for the best. Which, really, is all we can do with anything in life.

Claire McCarthy is a primary care physician and the medical director of Boston Children’s Hospital’s Martha Eliot Health Center.  She blogs at Thriving, the Boston Children’s Hospital blog, and Vector, the Boston Children’s Hospital science and clinical innovation blog.

Prev

5 pieces of advice nobody tells you before starting residency

October 11, 2012 Kevin 0
…
Next

Stop setting hospital benchmarks at the state average

October 12, 2012 Kevin 1
…

ADVERTISEMENT

Tagged as: Pediatrics, Primary Care

Post navigation

< Previous Post
5 pieces of advice nobody tells you before starting residency
Next Post >
Stop setting hospital benchmarks at the state average

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Claire McCarthy, MD

  • Sometimes, talking to strangers is necessary

    Claire McCarthy, MD
  • Maybe God made teenagers difficult so we can let them go

    Claire McCarthy, MD
  • 4 mistakes parents make in the pediatrician’s office

    Claire McCarthy, MD

More in Physician

  • How to handle chronically late patients in your medical practice

    Neil Baum, MD
  • How early meetings and after-hours events penalize physician-mothers

    Samira Jeimy, MD, PhD and Menaka Pai, MD
  • Why medicine must evolve to support modern physicians

    Ryan Nadelson, MD
  • Why listening to parents’ intuition can save lives in pediatric care

    Tokunbo Akande, MD, MPH
  • Finding balance and meaning in medical practice: a holistic approach to professional fulfillment

    Dr. Saad S. Alshohaib
  • How regulatory overreach is destroying innovation in U.S. health care

    Kayvan Haddadan, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • Why timing, not surgery, determines patient survival

      Michael Karch, MD | Conditions
    • Why health care leaders fail at execution—and how to fix it

      Dave Cummings, RN | Policy
    • How digital tools are reshaping the doctor-patient relationship

      Vineet Vishwanath | Tech
  • Past 6 Months

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • The hidden health risks in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act

      Trevor Lyford, MPH | Policy
  • Recent Posts

    • Why point-of-care ultrasound belongs in every emergency department triage [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why PSA levels alone shouldn’t define your prostate cancer risk

      Martina Ambardjieva, MD, PhD | Conditions
    • How to handle chronically late patients in your medical practice

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • Reframing chronic pain and dignity: What a pain clinic teaches us about MAiD and chronic suffering

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Conditions
    • How early meetings and after-hours events penalize physician-mothers

      Samira Jeimy, MD, PhD and Menaka Pai, MD | Physician
    • Why medicine must evolve to support modern physicians

      Ryan Nadelson, MD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 1 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • Why timing, not surgery, determines patient survival

      Michael Karch, MD | Conditions
    • Why health care leaders fail at execution—and how to fix it

      Dave Cummings, RN | Policy
    • How digital tools are reshaping the doctor-patient relationship

      Vineet Vishwanath | Tech
  • Past 6 Months

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • The hidden health risks in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act

      Trevor Lyford, MPH | Policy
  • Recent Posts

    • Why point-of-care ultrasound belongs in every emergency department triage [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why PSA levels alone shouldn’t define your prostate cancer risk

      Martina Ambardjieva, MD, PhD | Conditions
    • How to handle chronically late patients in your medical practice

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • Reframing chronic pain and dignity: What a pain clinic teaches us about MAiD and chronic suffering

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Conditions
    • How early meetings and after-hours events penalize physician-mothers

      Samira Jeimy, MD, PhD and Menaka Pai, MD | Physician
    • Why medicine must evolve to support modern physicians

      Ryan Nadelson, MD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

How our children turn out isn’t really up to us
1 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...