Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Doctors need to learn to say no. Here’s how to do it.

Starla Fitch, MD
Physician
January 30, 2016
Share
Tweet
Share

If you have a life where you never, ever say yes when you mean no, then you can stop reading right now.

But I guess that you’re a lot like me. Now and then, you get caught off guard.

And before you know it, you’re staying late to see that emergency patient. Bringing cupcakes for the second-grade class. Volunteering for the coffee meet-and-greet at church next Sunday.

What’s up with that? We’re smart. We know how to communicate. But somehow we crumble when we’re face-to-face with someone who’s asking us to do something we don’t have time to do, or don’t want to do.

6 reasons we find it hard to say no

If we want to learn how to say no, we’ve got to understand why we keep saying yes.

  1. The need to please. Whether it’s a request from our best friend or our spouse, we often say yes just based on who is asking.
  2. From a sense of duty. If everyone said no to baking cupcakes, then the second-grade class might starve. OK. We know that’s not true.
  3. To avoid feeling guilty. If your mom asks you to do something as a favor, it’s a little tougher to say no than if it’s a stranger asking. Am I right?
  4. The fear of hurting someone’s feelings. See above.
  5. The risk of looking “less than” (what will “they” think?). Do your best to make those decisions in a vacuum. The other people aren’t really paying attention. Honest.
  6. Concern because you’re saying no to The Boss. It’s a challenge, for sure. But if you are making your decision to say no coming from your best place, then it will make sense to your boss, too.

If you fall into one of these, you’re in great company. Oprah talks about having the “disease to please” — meaning we want so much to be successful and do great things, but we worry like crazy about what everyone else is going to say about it.

Mastin Kipp of “The Daily Love” says he feels bad when he says no. But he is conscious about changing that and says, “I have had to say ‘no’ more. And it’s not because I don’t like the people or things I’m saying ‘no’ to. It’s just because I know what I’m focused on and why I am focused on it.”

When these very wise and successful people have trouble with things, what are we ordinary folks to do?

Listen to your inner compass — yes, you can hear it!

It’s not always black and white, though, is it? Sometimes we know there’s absolutely no way we want to do something, but many times, we’re a bit indecisive and don’t know what we really want.

How to say no in the right circumstances

If you’ve had days where you’re feeling completely overwhelmed from work and life, here’s your toolkit for how to say no.  You can pull this out any time you get that deer-in-headlights feeling and are suddenly lost for words.

ADVERTISEMENT

1. If a request is a “Hell, no!” then just say a polite no from the beginning. The trick here is to pull the band-aid off quickly, in one fell swoop. Done.

You don’t owe them an explanation. You don’t have to make up excuses. You can just politely say something like, “Thanks for asking. Unfortunately, I’m not able to do that this week …” Now you can go on your merry (busy) way and not feel any anger, because you responded how you wanted to. Try it — it’s incredibly empowering!

2. If it’s a maybe or you have no idea, then use my “go to” answer: “I’ll get back to you on that.”

This works for almost any request, other than what suture I want in the OR (4-0 or 6-0 silk suture? I know that answer right away.) Or if the question is about dessert. (Chocolate? Certainly!)

But you have to get back to them! Check in with yourself and see if this is truly something you want to do, and makes sense to fit into your schedule, and then you let them know. If you never get back to them, you’ll walk around wasting a lot of energy thinking about it.

3. If it’s an awkward no, try “I don’t” instead of “I can’t.” As in “I don’t work late on Thursdays because that’s when I take my daughter to piano lessons.” It just is. And, you’re done!

When you stand up and say no, you don’t walk through life carrying heavy feelings of remorse for doing something you really did not want to do. Plus, saying no, gives another person the chance to say yes, who may really want to step in and say yes.

And it makes you stronger each time you stand in your authenticity.

Starla Fitch is an ophthalmologist, speaker, and personal coach. She blogs at Love Medicine Again and is the author of Remedy for Burnout: 7 Prescriptions Doctors Use to Find Meaning in Medicine. She can also be reached on Twitter @StarlaFitchMD.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

When patients question the motives of their physicians

January 30, 2016 Kevin 50
…
Next

Please address suffering in the care of the dying

January 31, 2016 Kevin 4
…

Tagged as: Primary Care

Post navigation

< Previous Post
When patients question the motives of their physicians
Next Post >
Please address suffering in the care of the dying

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Starla Fitch, MD

  • A cancer scare changed my life in 7 seconds

    Starla Fitch, MD
  • Doctors experience the world differently

    Starla Fitch, MD
  • No, doctors aren’t to blame for burnout

    Starla Fitch, MD

Related Posts

  • Why do doctors who hate being doctors still practice?

    Kristin Puhl, MD
  • Doctors: It’s time to unionize

    Thomas D. Guastavino, MD
  • Doctors die. But the good ones leave a legacy.

    Jaime B. Gerber, MD
  • When doctors are right

    Sophia Zilber
  • We’re doctors. We signed the book.

    Jonathan Peters, MD
  • Why doctors-in-training need better nutritional education

    Abeer Arain, MD, MPH

More in Physician

  • Why physicians deserve more than an oxygen mask

    Jessie Mahoney, MD
  • More than a meeting: Finding education, inspiration, and community in internal medicine [PODCAST]

    American College of Physicians & The Podcast by KevinMD
  • Why recovery after illness demands dignity, not suspicion

    Trisza Leann Ray, DO
  • How physicians can reclaim control over medical malpractice risks

    Howard Smith, MD
  • Boost patient satisfaction with the power of fragrance

    Neil Baum, MD
  • Why self-care must become medicine’s new standard

    Jessie Mahoney, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Bureaucracy over care: How the U.S. health care system lost its way

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
    • Do Jewish students face rising bias in holistic admissions?

      Anonymous | Education
    • Why shared decision-making in medicine often fails

      M. Bennet Broner, PhD | Conditions
    • Why recovery after illness demands dignity, not suspicion

      Trisza Leann Ray, DO | Physician
    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • My journey from misdiagnosis to living fully with APBD

      Jeff Cooper | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • What’s driving medical students away from primary care?

      ​​Vineeth Amba, MPH, Archita Goyal, and Wayne Altman, MD | Education
    • Internal Medicine 2025: inspiration at the annual meeting

      American College of Physicians | Physician
    • A faster path to becoming a doctor is possible—here’s how

      Ankit Jain | Education
    • Are quotas a solution to physician shortages?

      Jacob Murphy | Education
    • The hidden bias in how we treat chronic pain

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • Residency as rehearsal: the new pediatric hospitalist fellowship requirement scam

      Anonymous | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • “The medical board doesn’t know I exist. That’s the point.”

      Jenny Shields, PhD | Conditions
    • Why does rifaximin cost 95 percent more in the U.S. than in Asia?

      Jai Kumar, MD, Brian Nohomovich, DO, PhD and Leonid Shamban, DO | Meds
    • When moisturizers trigger airport bomb alarms

      Eva M. Shelton, MD and Janmesh Patel | Conditions
    • Better dizziness diagnosis through skilled exams [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Medicaid cuts are quietly fueling the diabetic kidney failure crisis

      Jane Zill, LICSW | Conditions

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 4 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Bureaucracy over care: How the U.S. health care system lost its way

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
    • Do Jewish students face rising bias in holistic admissions?

      Anonymous | Education
    • Why shared decision-making in medicine often fails

      M. Bennet Broner, PhD | Conditions
    • Why recovery after illness demands dignity, not suspicion

      Trisza Leann Ray, DO | Physician
    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • My journey from misdiagnosis to living fully with APBD

      Jeff Cooper | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • What’s driving medical students away from primary care?

      ​​Vineeth Amba, MPH, Archita Goyal, and Wayne Altman, MD | Education
    • Internal Medicine 2025: inspiration at the annual meeting

      American College of Physicians | Physician
    • A faster path to becoming a doctor is possible—here’s how

      Ankit Jain | Education
    • Are quotas a solution to physician shortages?

      Jacob Murphy | Education
    • The hidden bias in how we treat chronic pain

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • Residency as rehearsal: the new pediatric hospitalist fellowship requirement scam

      Anonymous | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • “The medical board doesn’t know I exist. That’s the point.”

      Jenny Shields, PhD | Conditions
    • Why does rifaximin cost 95 percent more in the U.S. than in Asia?

      Jai Kumar, MD, Brian Nohomovich, DO, PhD and Leonid Shamban, DO | Meds
    • When moisturizers trigger airport bomb alarms

      Eva M. Shelton, MD and Janmesh Patel | Conditions
    • Better dizziness diagnosis through skilled exams [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Medicaid cuts are quietly fueling the diabetic kidney failure crisis

      Jane Zill, LICSW | Conditions

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Doctors need to learn to say no. Here’s how to do it.
4 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...