Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Winning at parenting without losing yourself

Whitney Casares, MD, MPH
Physician
May 8, 2021
Share
Tweet
Share

An excerpt from The Working Mom Blueprint: Winning at Parenting Without Losing Yourself.

My husband and I ordered a special celebratory dinner the night my first book was published. It was an important professional milestone for me, and I was proud of all the hard work it took to get to that moment.

“Come on, guys,” he called up to my girls from the kitchen when the boxes of curry and spring rolls arrived. “Your mom just got home from the office and it’s time to eat. Let’s party. Your mom has a book out!”

My little one came bounding down the stairs, wearing some kind of cowgirl-meets-international princess ensemble. She climbed up on her chair and started digging into the rice on the plate in front of her.

“Good job, mommy,” she said through full bites of food. “Is there cake?”

My 6-year-old sauntered down our first flight of stairs and into the dining room, looking less than enthusiastic about her dinner options but very interested in the latest family news.

“Does that mean since you have the book out now you’re done with working, like for forever? Will tomorrow be a mommy-daughter day and all the days after that? Can you stop being a doctor now?”

It would have been easy to cave inward from the weight of that question. She was genuine in her ask and my reaction was sincere too. When she asked me to never leave her side, it fed into an ingrained belief I see so many women struggle with. It’s a belief that to be a good mom I need to be completely devoted to my children — above my work, above myself — above every other area of my life.

The next day at my pediatrics office, the opposite scenario ensued. At our monthly medical professional meeting, one of my partners passed around a sign-up sheet with a list of committee and volunteer opportunities.

“I want to remind everyone that this is not a lifestyle practice,” one of my partners voiced to the room. “Our work goes beyond clocking in at 9:00 am and clocking out at 5:00 pm. We each have to pull our weight. We need every person to pick up the slack and, right now, we really need more committee members — as many as possible.”

With the book newly published and my daughter’s comments fresh in my mind from the night before, I hesitated to add my name to the list but knew it might draw criticism from my business partners. I felt the same pressure all the other moms I know feel to be a good worker — someone who’s fully committed to my colleagues and my corporation, the kind of person who takes care of my personal life on my personal time, who doesn’t let family considerations interfere with my professional pursuits or efforts. The problem is, those 2 ideals, the good mother and the professional worker, both fully committed and laser-focused on their tasks, are at odds with one another, creating not just guilt but stress too. It’s the pursuit of both ideals at the same time, of perfection as we mother and as we strive professionally, that’s making it all feel like so much of a letdown. We’re having a horrible time because, somewhere along the line, we get bogged down in fake ideals of seeking the perfect balance. If we can move beyond those unattainable fantasies, though, and see working motherhood as the ultimate example of accepting trade-offs and benefits, we find ourselves in a unique position that, in the end, offers huge benefits to our kids.

I decided, in the end, to join 1 work committee — the one with the lowest time commitment and the least amount of energy required. When my kids are older and I’m in a different life stage, I’ll commit to more (maybe) and, if I do, it won’t be to fit a good worker ideal. It will be based on what my company needs and what works well for me at the time.

“Well,” I told my daughter that next night at the table. “Something interesting happened today. Mommy had to be strong so I could do what was best for you and for me. Here’s the thing, sweetie. I can’t stop working…but I also don’t want to stop working. I love you and your sister so much, and, at the same time, I love helping people. I want to use the special way I’m wired to help people who don’t live here with us too. What I can do is make sure we have plenty of opportunities to be together doing all the things we love and being connected with each other.”

ADVERTISEMENT

“OK,” she said, taking it all in. Then, she brightened. “Actually, can I help? I know! I can make signs around the neighborhood telling new moms we can help them feel less scared about having their babies.”

My pride in her resilience puffed up like a balloon. See? I thought. Like me, she struggled initially with accepting that her vision of me connected at the hip all day, every day is unrealistic, but she was able to problem solve through it. By choosing a more middle road, I’m teaching her she can do the same when she’s older and in my shoes.

As working women, we have an opportunity to be an example of living with passion and priorities, of working hard, of staying committed, not necessarily to work itself but to the priorities we set around our work and our personal lives. When we work and parent simultaneously, we have a chance to teach our kids resilience — letting our kids see that even if they struggle with something they can handle it and get stronger from it — and to embrace a village mentality, not in a better way than stay-at-home moms can but in a very different way.

Above all, we have the unique pleasure of encouraging our own kids to find real balance and real joy as they live their lives and as they go on to work and parent the next generation.

Whitney Casares is a pediatrician and author of The Working Mom Blueprint: Winning at Parenting Without Losing Yourself.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

5 tips to become a millionaire

May 8, 2021 Kevin 0
…
Next

How this physician escaped the system [PODCAST]

May 8, 2021 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: Pediatrics

Post navigation

< Previous Post
5 tips to become a millionaire
Next Post >
How this physician escaped the system [PODCAST]

ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

  • Why developing new antibiotics is a losing battle

    Christopher Johnson, MD
  • Mentors, thank you for parenting me

    Micaela Stevenson
  • Losing my first patient

    Allie Poles
  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD
  • Pandemic parenting during medical school

    Jessica De Haan, PA-C
  • Losing a patient in an emergency

    Ton La, Jr., MD, JD

More in Physician

  • How subjective likability practices undermine Canada’s health workforce recruitment and retention

    Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD
  • Why judgment is hurting doctors—and how mindfulness can heal

    Jessie Mahoney, MD
  • Why evidence-based management may be an effective strategy for stronger health care leadership and equity

    Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD
  • The gift we keep giving: How medicine demands everything—even our holidays

    Tomi Mitchell, MD
  • From burnout to balance: a neurosurgeon’s bold career redesign

    Jessie Mahoney, MD
  • Why working in Hawai’i health care isn’t all paradise

    Clayton Foster, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • The hidden health risks in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act

      Trevor Lyford, MPH | Policy
    • Why doctors are reclaiming control from burnout culture

      Maureen Gibbons, MD | Physician
    • Why health care leaders fail at execution—and how to fix it

      Dave Cummings, RN | Policy
    • How digital tools are reshaping the doctor-patient relationship

      Vineet Vishwanath | Tech
    • Would The Pitts’ Dr. Robby Robinavitch welcome a new colleague? Yes. Especially if their initials were AI.

      Gabe Jones, MBA | Tech
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • How the 10th Apple Effect is stealing your joy in medicine

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Decoding your medical bill: What those charges really mean

      Cheryl Spang | Finance
    • The emotional first responders of aesthetic medicine

      Sarah White, APRN | Conditions
    • Why testosterone matters more than you think in women’s health

      Andrea Caamano, MD | Conditions
    • A mind to guide the machine: Why physicians must help shape artificial intelligence in medicine

      Shanice Spence-Miller, MD | Tech
    • How subjective likability practices undermine Canada’s health workforce recruitment and retention

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Physician
    • How veteran health care is being transformed by tech and teamwork

      Deborah Lafer Scher | Conditions

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • The hidden health risks in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act

      Trevor Lyford, MPH | Policy
    • Why doctors are reclaiming control from burnout culture

      Maureen Gibbons, MD | Physician
    • Why health care leaders fail at execution—and how to fix it

      Dave Cummings, RN | Policy
    • How digital tools are reshaping the doctor-patient relationship

      Vineet Vishwanath | Tech
    • Would The Pitts’ Dr. Robby Robinavitch welcome a new colleague? Yes. Especially if their initials were AI.

      Gabe Jones, MBA | Tech
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • How the 10th Apple Effect is stealing your joy in medicine

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Decoding your medical bill: What those charges really mean

      Cheryl Spang | Finance
    • The emotional first responders of aesthetic medicine

      Sarah White, APRN | Conditions
    • Why testosterone matters more than you think in women’s health

      Andrea Caamano, MD | Conditions
    • A mind to guide the machine: Why physicians must help shape artificial intelligence in medicine

      Shanice Spence-Miller, MD | Tech
    • How subjective likability practices undermine Canada’s health workforce recruitment and retention

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Physician
    • How veteran health care is being transformed by tech and teamwork

      Deborah Lafer Scher | Conditions

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...