How to raise tenacious and resilient children [PODCAST]

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“For thousands of generations, parents, relatives, and the extended community raised and prepared children to become successful adults, to acquire knowledge, and strengthen the abilities needed to meet the challenges of their time. How did they do it? Until relatively recent times in human history there were no schools or organized institutions, nor were there self-help or parenting books. We believe the foundation of this process was accomplished by drawing upon seven important instincts that evolved over tens if not hundreds of thousands of years in ours and other hominid species.

In some species instincts are fixed patterns of behavior leading to a certain outcome such as a bird building a nest for the first time or a salmon returning upriver to its birthplace to spawn. We believe that in our species instincts represent an intuitive way of thinking and/or acting that increase the chances of survival and success. In viewing instincts in this way we appreciate that knowing what to do and doing what you know are not synonymous and are very much dependent on experience. These instincts are more important than ever in preparing today’s children for tomorrow’s successes.

Tenacity provides the power to build self-discipline and resilience. For these instincts to develop and flourish they require the nurturing and support of caring, knowledgeable adults. In short, it is our job to help children harness the power of their instincts.”

Robert B. Brooks is a psychologist and co=author of Tenacity in Children: Nurturing the Seven Instincts for Lifetime Success.

He shares his story and discusses his KevinMD article, “Tenacity in children and the 7 instincts.”

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Hosted by Kevin Pho, MD, The Podcast by KevinMD shares the stories of the many who intersect with our health care system but are rarely heard from.

Transcript

Kevin Pho: Hi, and welcome to the show, where we share the stories of the many who intersect with our health care system but are rarely heard from. My name is Kevin Pho, founder and editor of KevinMD. Today on the show, we have Robert Brooks. He is a clinical psychologist, and together with his co-author, Sam Goldstein, he wrote the book “Tenacity in Children: Nurturing the Seven Instincts for Lifetime Success.” Robert, welcome to the show.

Robert B. Brooks: Thanks for having me, Kevin. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Kevin Pho: So we’ll get into your book in a little bit, but first off, can you share your story and journey to where you are today?

Robert B. Brooks: Certainly. It’s a long story now, over 40 years, but I’ll keep it succinct. I got my undergraduate degree at City College of New York, and then I moved to Worcester, Massachusetts, and got my doctorate in clinical psychology at Clark University. I then went out for more training in my postdoctoral fellowship at the University of Colorado Medical School, came back to the Boston area, and then worked at the Boston University Medical Center for several years before joining the staff at McLean Hospital, which is a private psychiatric hospital here in the Boston area.

It was during those different experiences that more and more I became very interested in what was to become my lifetime professional interest, and that was what helps people to overcome difficulties and to become more resilient. I started to ask myself, based on a number of experiences, why is it that some people can have very difficult lives, especially in their childhood, and yet as adults be hopeful and more optimistic, with decent jobs and good relationships? And so during my 40-year career, more and more, I’ve looked at that question and focused much more on people’s strengths rather than their deficits, if you will.

Kevin Pho: I think resiliency especially has come into play during the past year and a half. During the pandemic, everyone has gone through so much stress. Now, over the past year and a half, from your lens as a resiliency expert, is there anything that’s surprised you?

Robert B. Brooks: Actually, I’m going to look at this very positively. I don’t know if it was so much a surprise, but I was really taken with all the divisiveness in our country and all of the difficulties. I was also taken by the courage and strength of so many people, and how so many people came together. You know, one of the foundations of resilience has to do with our connections, positive connections with other people. I was very blessed to do a number of webinars and consultations during the time of the pandemic and to hear what different people were doing, how they were helping out, and their positive attitude.

So I probably shouldn’t have been as surprised. But if you just put on the news most days, you would think it’s all negative. Being someone who has studied resilience, maybe, as I said, I shouldn’t have been as surprised, but it was really very welcome to see the kindness and courage of both children and adults during this very problematic time.

Kevin Pho: So I’m interested in hearing more about your research and your book that you co-authored with Dr. Goldstein. It’s titled “Tenacity in children and the 7 instincts.” Now, for those who didn’t get a chance to read the excerpt on KevinMD, can you just share a little bit about the book and your beginnings in terms of writing it?

Robert B. Brooks: Yes. I’m going to give a little history so I can put the book in context. In the 1980s, I became increasingly interested in the concept of resilience. Then, almost 30 years ago at a conference, I met Sam Goldstein, and we hit it off right away. This is actually our 14th book, I think, that we’ve done together. He also was interested in resilience. About 20 years ago, we wrote a book called “Raising Resilient Children,” and then we wrote a book about resilience in our own adult lives. After that, we felt that in order to be resilient, you also had to have a certain inner control, so we wrote a book about discipline.

A couple of years ago, Sam and I were talking, and he brought up some research which really fascinated me. It had to do with how a lot of the qualities of resilience, such as compassion and empathy and altruism, because these are all parts of resilience, were actually there at birth. There’s this whole body of literature that shows newborns already show the rudimentary signs of empathy and compassion. So what he said was, in looking at the research, and he’s much more the researcher and scientist than I am, it’s been a very good collaboration that way, Kevin, he pinpointed seven of what we call instincts, because they’re there from birth, and we put them under an umbrella. We called it tenacity. What we said is that in order to be resilient, and also to have self-discipline, you need some purpose, you need some fuel, and that’s what we called tenacity.

It’s interesting to me: When the book came out this past April, a number of people who read it said, “You know, Bob, this is a very hopeful book.” And I said, “In what way?” “I thought it was, because what you’re saying is there are these wonderful qualities or attributes that are already within each child. And then it’s up to parents to understand these and provide opportunities.” Parents, teachers, and other caregivers provide opportunities for these attributes to develop. So it’s not like you have to plant the seeds. The seeds are already there.

And so it’s actually an outgrowth of our 30-year collaboration. It’s an outgrowth of our writings on resilience and self-discipline, to say there are wonderful qualities within all of us. And I think that’s why people have found the book hopeful, because it’s like they’re there. We just have to figure out how we cultivate these different characteristics, like optimism, like intrinsic motivation, like compassion. So it’s really been a lot of fun. I learned a great deal as I looked more and more at the research, the research on infants and toddlers, and to see what some of the research is that suggests these attributes of tenacity are there.

Kevin Pho: If we have some children who are resilient and others who aren’t, what are some of the specific ways that separate those two groups?

Robert B. Brooks: OK, first of all, I’m a firm believer, in our book “Raising Resilient Children,” which was the first book we collaborated on, that from birth, every child is different. And we say in “Tenacity” that while certain qualities or attributes may be there in all children, some children have more of those at birth than others. But I always say to caregivers or parents, that doesn’t mean we can’t raise these qualities in every child.

As we look at the behaviors that come up, we certainly see different behaviors. And why I mentioned every child being different at birth is that as parents and as caregivers, we have to recognize these particular differences. But the behaviors are there. We give examples in our book, even of toddlers. One toddler builds a tower of blocks. It falls over, and the toddler starts building it again. These are actual examples from my clinical practice. Another toddler builds a tower, and the parents reported this to me when they came to see me when their kid was about six, because he always gave up on things. The tower falls down. He picks up the blocks, and some of his first words were “bad blocks,” and he throws them against the wall.

So we know one of the qualities of tenacity and resilience is really the ability to develop a mindset that you’re going to have obstacles, but when they arise, you have the ability to start solving problems. I’ve often said that with resilience and tenacity, where you see the difference is that resilient people see problems as things to be solved rather than to be overwhelmed by.

And I want to bring up a little digression, but this is very important for anyone listening, about any relationship in their life. In all the studies of resilience that have been done, you ask people who have overcome adversity, “We could have never predicted,” especially if the adversity was in their childhood or teenage years, “that you would be as hopeful and as optimistic as you are today. What do you think was the most important thing to help you to be hopeful or optimistic?” The number one answer in every study, Kevin: “There was at least one person along the way who truly believed in me and stood by me.” The late psychologist Julius Segal called that person a charismatic adult in a child’s life. I almost wish he hadn’t used the word charismatic, because it has different meanings, but it’s an adult from whom a child or adolescent gathers strength.

I’ve often been asked, “Do we as adults need charismatic adults in our lives?” And the quick answer is yes, at any point. I know you have a number of clinicians listening to your podcast. The other main point, based on my research, is that sometimes a charismatic adult can come into your life even briefly. They can say or do very small things; in my writings, I call them the seemingly small gestures. People will remember them for the rest of their lives. That was one of the most important lessons I learned: As patients whom I hadn’t seen in 25 or 30 years contacted me, they remembered specific things I said or did.

So to any of your listeners, I would say, as you interact with others, whether as a parent or caregiver interacting with kids, or as a clinician interacting with patients, the impact, the lifelong impact you have, these seemingly small gestures, what we call micro moments, are so powerful, and they contribute to helping us be more tenacious and more resilient.

Kevin Pho: Now, every parent, of course, wants to raise a resilient child. From your decades of practice, what are some examples of what they should and should not be doing?

Robert B. Brooks: A wonderful question. That’s what led me down the path of how a resilient child sees the world differently from one who’s not. And so I started to pinpoint certain things. First of all, always remember the impact you have. Another thing is you have to be empathic. I know that term may be overused, but I always say to parents, put yourself in the shoes of your children. There are questions parents have told me are very helpful in terms of empathy. I say to parents, “What words do you hope your children will use to describe you? What do you say on a regular basis so they’re likely to describe you in the ways you want, and what words do you think they would use?” We have to be much more intentional about the things that we do.

Now, the main thing is, as I developed more of a strength-based model, in the 1980s I coined the term islands of competence. It was another way of saying areas of strength. Whenever parents would consult with me, I would say, “Now that I’ve heard about a few of your child’s problems, what do you see as your son’s or daughter’s strengths, their beauty?” Those are islands of competence. And what we have to do is reinforce those strengths. I’ve worked with many kids with learning problems, many kids who are not very good in sports. But what we have to look at is what their strengths are and how we identify them.

Another key issue, something I briefly alluded to before, has to do with how you help your child deal with mistakes. That’s why I love to ask parents questions. I’ll say, “If I were to interview your children and ask them how you deal with mistakes, because we are the models for our children, what would they say?” And I wish every kid would say, “Dr. Brooks, they’re real problem solvers. When they make a mistake, they say, ‘What can we do differently next time?'” But sometimes I hear, “They scream. They yell.” One little girl said, “They say words they tell me not to say.”

Another question I love to ask parents is, “If I were to interview your children and ask them how you handle it when they make a mistake, what would they say?” And I would hope every kid would say, “They come over, and they say, ‘What can we learn from this? What could we do differently next time?'” But a lot of times we don’t; it’s the same thing. Parents, I hear, scream, they yell, they say, “Use your brains,” things that are not going to be very helpful. A key part of resilience is the belief that obstacles will arise, but you can overcome those particular obstacles.

And there’s one other thing which I’ve been writing so much about, and which has come up in so many of my presentations during the pandemic, and it is this. We now know, and I don’t have time to go over all the research, but from some of the research I did, that one of the key components of being resilient is when you feel there’s a certain purpose or meaning to your life. So in both the tenacity book and “Raising Resilient Children,” we say we think there’s an inborn need in children to want to help. Look at any three- or four-year-old. I remember with my sons, who are grown now: “Can I mow the lawn with you? Can I do this?” Eventually, by nine or 10, they’re going to want to help their friends more than us.

But we now know, whether a child is three or four or whether it’s an adult who’s 93 or 4, that if they in some way feel they are enriching the lives of others, through an hour a week of volunteer work, helping out. I even say to parents, instead of saying, “Do your chores,” say, “I need your help.” Words are very powerful. We now know that what I call those contributory or charitable activities actually lessen stress, and they actually increase resilience, because you feel you’re making a positive difference.

So those are a few of the qualities, and in “Raising Resilient Children,” we talk about them. And the beauty of what I like about looking at the research on tenacity is that we now find a lot of these qualities are there from birth, ready to just blossom and be nurtured.

Kevin Pho: We’re talking to Robert Brooks. He’s a clinical psychologist, and together with Sam Goldstein, he co-wrote the book “Tenacity in Children: Nurturing the Seven Instincts for Lifetime Success.” Robert, every time I open up the newspaper, there’s a narrative that today’s children are not as tenacious or resilient as children of yesteryear. Do you have any comments on that, and what do you think about that narrative?

Robert B. Brooks: Well, I hear that all the time. Of course, I heard that 20 years ago, and about 20 years before that. I don’t know. What I would say is, I think kids are much more stressed today, for a number of different reasons, including things like the internet and all the other forces that play a role. So what I would say is, if you say, “Well, kids are more stressed, so they’re probably not as resilient,” I just think there are more forces impacting on it. More and more in my work, I feel the qualities of resilience are there; the attributes of resilience are there. It’s just that there are many more forces that are really causing stress.

But the optimistic part of me, Kevin, says, OK, if that is there, then it’s even more important to think about in our parenting and in our schools, because that’s a whole other area. I do a lot of work with schools about how you help kids be resilient in the school environment. I think there are a lot of things we can do that will help kids be more resilient, a lot of things we can introduce, like these contributory activities.

You know, when I hear kids are more selfish today, there is research to show that by the time kids are in middle or high school, they are less empathic than they were a generation ago and less caring. So my feeling is, if that’s so, then we have to look at our values, because they are born with the capacity to be just as empathic as they were a generation ago. So the way I always look at it is, it’s even more important then to know the principles of tenacity and resilience and to apply them in terms of our caregiving and in terms of our teaching.

But most importantly, throughout “Tenacity,” we talk about how we as adults serve as models for our children. So we also have to apply these to ourselves: things like how we deal with mistakes, things like our compassion, our caring, and our attitude toward gratitude in that regard. So yes, I think there’s more stress. Maybe kids are not quite as resilient. I view that as a challenge rather than as a stress. Then we have to be challenged to figure out ways to really help kids be more resilient, more compassionate, and more caring.

Kevin Pho: And my final question: What’s your take-home message that you want to leave with the KevinMD audience?

Robert B. Brooks: Yes. In all of my writings, and even more so now, there’s a concept I use called personal control. Some people have said it sounds like the Serenity Prayer, and it really is. What I’m going to say to everyone is this: There are going to be a lot of events that happen in our lives, like COVID, like some kids being born with learning problems, events we have no control over. One of the things I’ve learned over the years is that we have far more control than we may realize over our attitude and response to things. And this, to me, is one of the most vital things that I try to live by. I’m getting a little better at it.

So as one example, during COVID, we may not have had as much control over COVID emerging throughout the world and in the United States, but what we had control over is our attitude and response to things. In terms of personal control, just to give you a quick example, I think it’s so sad that things like face masks and social distancing became so politicized. Because when one could say to a child, “We know it’s a scary time, but there are things we could do,” our attitude and response, most of the kids that I heard about felt more assured, and I saw that in my own grandkids, because there was something they could do.

So I would say to all the listeners, we have to realize and focus on what those things are that we do have control over, and two primary things are our attitude and response. It really has to do a lot with our mindset and the behaviors that follow from it.

Kevin Pho: Robert, thank you so much for joining me and sharing your time and insight. Thanks again for being on the show.

Robert B. Brooks: Thanks so much for having me, Kevin. It has been a pleasure.

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