This article is satire.

Good morning and thank you for flying SkyAnesthesia. I am your flight attendant, Dr. Jablonski, and my co-pilot this morning will be Attending Dr. To-Be-Named. This Boston-based flight crew is honored to serve you.

While our Team SkyAnesthesia, or TSA for short, does not utilize metal detectors, please remove all jewelry and body piercings prior to boarding. Please be sure to securely stow your belongings in the provided bags, and the PCAs will be making their way through the cabin to ensure they are properly secured.

The health and safety of our passengers and crew are our top priority here at SkyAnesthesia. While our sanitation standards have not changed, we are trying to limit the spread of COVID-19 by requiring all patients to wear a face mask or covering over their nose and mouth throughout the hospital and the operating room suite. This rule applies even if you are fully vaccinated or have received a negative COVID-19 test.

Before takeoff, we will ensure the hospital bed is in an upright and locked position to ensure your safety. You may use portable electronics before taking off, but larger electronics such as laptops must be turned off and stowed. Wi-Fi will be unavailable to passengers during this flight. Please turn your cellular devices to airplane mode before departure.

Once we push back from the terminal, please keep your fingers, toes, and nose inside the carriage as we promise a spectacular view of the operating room suite. You may decline to board at any time, up to 24-seconds before receiving general anesthesia. Early morning flights are our busiest time, so we may expect some taxi delays before takeoff.

Unfortunately, due to the nature of this flight, oral food and beverage will not be provided. To ensure your comfort, intravenous fluids will be offered at no extra charge. You will have the opportunity to purchase an IV equivalent of alcohol prior to takeoff. Cash, all major credit cards and Venmo’s will be accepted.

As you arrive at the OR table, we will be sure to have a seatbelt tightly fastened across your waist. We don’t expect that you will figure out the buckle, so we will do it for you. The seat belt must remain fastened throughout the flight as the seatbelt sign will never be turned off. The surgeons may turn on a reading light overhead to ensure their comfort during the flight.

Despite staying at altitude for the duration of this flight, oxygen will be required. The mask will descend from overhead and be applied over your nose and mouth. We will press firmly to apply a seal, so please don’t worry about the lack of strings. Please be advised, oxygen is flowing, and we prefer that the bag does inflate.

Your pilot expects some turbulence through your IV as we take off. It is expected to be short-lived, and you will be set to sleep soundly through the remainder of the flight. After your nap, you may be disoriented as we land; that is all to be expected after such a smooth flight.

While never expected, the entire team is trained in the event of an emergency evacuation. In this case, a life-sustaining machine will be strapped to your chest and shocks provided. After this, you can expect a detour from your planned destination with a short stay in balmy ICU paradise.

After we arrive at the gate, the PACU nurses will assist you to your minimal-pain destination. Your belongings will be returned to you, but please be advised that items may have shifted during the flight.

Thank you for choosing SkyAnesthesia. We know you have many options for your surgical care and appreciate you choosing this hospital. Our team is available and happy to answer any questions or concerns as they arise. Please review the anesthesia consent as provided in your seat-back pocket for all the potential un-safety features of this aircraft. Thank you from all of us here at SkyAnesthesia, and have a great flight.

Megan Jablonski is an anesthesiologist.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com