Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Sunbeams of hope: one woman’s journey to heal and dream

Luissa Kiprono, DO, MBA
Physician
March 7, 2024
Share
Tweet
Share

An excerpt from Push, Then Breathe: Trauma, Triumph, and the Making of an American Doctor.

Suzette purred and slid her soft body across my shins as I sat in the shade of the oak tree, a book splayed open on my belly and my eyes closed. I breathed deeply. In, out. In, out.

The late-afternoon air was beginning to cool. I sat up, tugged my sweater against my body, and tucked my knees tight against my chest, my spine curved against the hard trunk of my favorite tree. Suzette gave me a cool look as she meandered away from me, finding her favorite gravestone and rubbing her body forcefully against the slab. I watched her fluid movements and heard her purr louder as she rubbed against the rough edge.

I absently lifted a hand to my newly shaven head, rubbing the spiky hairs under my palm. I breathed again, this time sharply, and my stomach convulsed, a sick feeling washing over me as I tried to push reality from my mind. This graveyard was my brief daily escape, my time to be free, with my cat and surrounded by lives and stories not my own.

My gaze drifted across the railroad tracks that ran along the cemetery, to the apartment where I lived with my father. My stomach clenched and I quickly looked away. Turning back toward the headstones, my thoughts drifted to Romania, where my mom and extended family still lived, where I would give anything to be, surrounded by the purity and ease of their love. Except I couldn’t return to them yet. I didn’t see how I could until I made things right. I was here, in America, the land of the free, a place of promised possibilities. A country of hope and potential. But America represented anything but freedom to me. It was a place where I was imprisoned, where my life had broken into pieces, where I’d come undone. It was 1989. I was 21, and all I could do was keep going forward, day by day, clinging wildly to my dream of someday becoming a doctor.

A doctor. It was all I had wanted since fifth grade. Becoming a physician was the noblest career I could imagine. The ability to heal others, to save them … it was my calling. Being called “doctor” for the first time would be a momentous experience. I sighed deeply at the thought: Doctor Vrâncuța. The suffering, the sacrifice, the pain, the tears, the fear—I could put it all behind me. I could leave my father behind, along with this godforsaken apartment and the memories. I could lock up my years with him deep within my mind, never to be opened again.

Suzette was curled up next to me now, her warm spine pressing against my hip. Leaning my head back on the wide trunk, I closed my eyes and took another deep breath. This was my only space to recharge, to find myself, to anchor to the Luissa I’d been before I came to America, the girl I knew was still inside of me. To find the strength to go on another day.

Just then, a blip of a memory struck me: my mom standing above me, her face with loving blue eyes and a warm smile surrounded by blond, wavy hair. Her small hands holding my dimply cheeks, her palms warm on my face.

Picturing my mom caused a feeling of strength to wash over me. The sun peeked out from behind a cloud, flooding my face with light. I placed my palms on the grass, feeling their stringy-sharp blades, running my fingers along their tips. Sliding my sandals off, I laid my bare soles on the grass, feeling its cool, fresh brush under my feet. Yes, to be connected, grounded, steady, even if only for a moment. Peace. I basked in it.

The thought came quickly: I must get back.

I clicked my tongue at Suzette and reached out my fingers to pet her head gently. She looked up to me, and I stood. After stretching, she stood too, waiting next to me as I gathered my book under my arm and patted my shoulder. Then she jumped up, scaling the height of my body to land squarely on my left shoulder, her paws massaging my tense shoulders as she balanced. I petted her head and she nuzzled my cheek. Her friendship was my armor. I pulled her into my arms, and we made our way back to hell.

Luissa Kiprono is an obstetrician-gynecologist and author of Push, Then Breathe: Trauma, Triumph, and the Making of an American Doctor.

Prev

Achieving internal balance and overcoming depression [PODCAST]

March 6, 2024 Kevin 0
…
Next

If surgery is so precise, why are we leaving outcomes up to chance?

March 7, 2024 Kevin 0
…

ADVERTISEMENT

Tagged as: OB/GYN

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Achieving internal balance and overcoming depression [PODCAST]
Next Post >
If surgery is so precise, why are we leaving outcomes up to chance?

ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

  • My healer, please guide me on this journey

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • a desk with keyboard and ipad with the kevinmd logo

    MKSAP: 35-year-old woman with constipation

    mksap
  • In the face of uncertainty, choose hope over fear

    Shreya Kumar
  • a desk with keyboard and ipad with the kevinmd logo

    MKSAP: 60-year-old woman with persistent constipation

    mksap
  • Healer: Heal thyself; forgive thyself

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • a desk with keyboard and ipad with the kevinmd logo

    MKSAP: 45-year-old woman with type 2 diabetes mellitus

    mksap

More in Physician

  • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

    Patrick Hudson, MD
  • Why compassion—not credentials—defines great doctors

    Dr. Saad S. Alshohaib
  • Why Canada is losing its skilled immigrant doctors

    Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD
  • Why doctors are reclaiming control from burnout culture

    Maureen Gibbons, MD
  • Why screening for diseases you might have can backfire

    Andy Lazris, MD and Alan Roth, DO
  • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

    Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • How community paramedicine impacts Indigenous elders

      Noah Weinberg | Conditions
    • Why doctors are reclaiming control from burnout culture

      Maureen Gibbons, MD | Physician
    • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • How medical culture hides burnout in plain sight

      Marco Benítez | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • How I learned to stop worrying and love AI

      Rajeev Dutta | Education
    • Understanding depression beyond biology: the power of therapy and meaning

      Maire Daugharty, MD | Conditions
    • Why compassion—not credentials—defines great doctors

      Dr. Saad S. Alshohaib | Physician
    • Addressing U.S. vaccine inequities in vulnerable communities [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why Canada is losing its skilled immigrant doctors

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • How community paramedicine impacts Indigenous elders

      Noah Weinberg | Conditions
    • Why doctors are reclaiming control from burnout culture

      Maureen Gibbons, MD | Physician
    • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • How medical culture hides burnout in plain sight

      Marco Benítez | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • How I learned to stop worrying and love AI

      Rajeev Dutta | Education
    • Understanding depression beyond biology: the power of therapy and meaning

      Maire Daugharty, MD | Conditions
    • Why compassion—not credentials—defines great doctors

      Dr. Saad S. Alshohaib | Physician
    • Addressing U.S. vaccine inequities in vulnerable communities [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why Canada is losing its skilled immigrant doctors

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...