A few years ago, I visited my brother and his family while I was still in school. I had run out of cash and needed to top up before starting our end-of-semester exams. My sister-in-law, a virtuous woman well-loved in our family, invited me to join her and my brother at the wedding of one of her close friends. As we were getting ready to leave, she pulled me aside with a playful grin and said, “I trust your fashion sense more than your brother’s. I know you’ll be honest with me, how do I look?” This came after a little brush with my brother, who, as usual, didn’t hold back and had been brutally honest with her earlier.

My sister-in-law had always been meticulous about her appearance, but this occasion was different; she was resolute in her desire for perfection. The bride was a former schoolmate, and the guest list included many long-lost friends she had not seen in years. Set in an affluent part of town, the wedding promised to be an opulent affair, a grand reunion of sorts, and she was determined to go for the kill.

At first glance, my immediate reaction was anything but favorable. Her makeup was excessively heavy, cakey, and added several years to her appearance. I did a double take and quickly realized that my response needed to be carefully measured. Excusing myself under the pretense of needing a moment, I retreated to the bathroom to collect my thoughts. While I certainly didn’t want her leaving the house with makeup that looked like frosting on a cake, I also knew I couldn’t add to her distress.

After a few minutes of reflection, I returned to her. With a gentle smile, I said, “I admire the boldness of your look. It really shows confidence. At the same time, I think a softer touch or a slightly different shade could enhance your skin tone beautifully and highlight your natural radiance even more.”

In an instant, her face lit up with the biggest smile, and she expressed her gratitude warmly, her emotions welling up to the point that a single tear traced its way down her cheek. She disappeared briefly, only to reemerge about thirty minutes later with a more refined and understated version of her makeup—one that, in my estimation, was far more flattering than the original.

That moment reinforced a very crucial life lesson: People do not always seek unvarnished, unfiltered truth, even when they explicitly request it. Also, Robert Greene, in The Laws of Human Nature, warns against the folly of accepting people at face value. To trust individuals solely based on their words can be deeply misleading, for humans do not always express their true intentions.

One of the first harsh lessons I encountered in America was that when your boss tells you to call if you need anything, it is, in fact, the opposite of an open invitation for support. It is a veiled instruction to go figure it out yourself; they do not wish to be burdened.

But why do people ask for one thing when, in reality, they desire something else, sometimes even the exact opposite? Harriet B. Braiker, an esteemed American psychologist and author renowned for her expertise in self-esteem, personal growth, and interpersonal dynamics, offered a poignant warning:

“Be very careful when people ask for your opinion about their work, character, or appearance. They do not want the truth; they want support and confirmation, delivered as realistically as possible.”

One of the most arduous lessons I had to unlearn was the belief that people genuinely appreciate unvarnished honesty. The stark reality? People may embrace the concept of honesty, but not when directed at them personally. The reason is simple: The truth often strikes at the ego, and few possess the fortitude to endure it without feeling wounded.

Braiker’s statement delves into a fundamental aspect of human psychology—the desire for affirmation and support rather than objective truth. When individuals ask for opinions about their work, character, or appearance, they are often not seeking constructive criticism or unvarnished honesty. Instead, they are looking for validation that aligns with their self-perception or goals. This dynamic reflects a deeper need for emotional reassurance, particularly in areas where they may feel vulnerable or insecure.

In the context of work, for example, a person may request feedback on a project they have put significant effort into. However, what they often hope for is confirmation that their efforts are valued and that they are on the right track. If the response deviates from their expectations—such as identifying flaws or suggesting improvements—it can feel like an attack, leading to disappointment or even defensiveness.

Similarly, when someone asks about their character, they may be looking for reassurance that their actions or decisions are understood and accepted by others. They might not be prepared to confront uncomfortable truths that could challenge their beliefs about themselves or their behavior. In such instances, the truth can feel harsh, whereas validation offers comfort and strengthens their self-esteem.

Appearance is a particularly sensitive area, where society often places a great deal of emphasis on how individuals look. In this case, when someone asks, “How do I look?” they may not want a detailed analysis or honest critique of their appearance. What they seek is an affirmation that aligns with their desire to feel attractive or accepted in their social environment. Honest feedback, especially if it’s less flattering, may be perceived as an affront, whereas positive reinforcement provides emotional satisfaction and confidence.

Thus, when someone requests that you be brutally honest with them, do not fall into the trap. The reality is that most people do not seek raw truth; rather, they crave affirmation, and those who speak with unfiltered honesty often bear the brunt of society’s disdain.

Does this mean one should resort to deceit, or that I should have feigned admiration for how stunning my sister-in-law looked with that makeup? Certainly not. Flattery, on the other hand, is not merely insincere; it is manipulative and driven by self-interest, one that many can easily see through.

The complexity here lies in the fine line between honesty and empathy. The truth can be a powerful tool for growth and self-awareness, but it can also be painful to hear, especially when someone isn’t ready or open to it. As Braiker suggests, people often want their emotional needs met before they can handle the discomfort of the truth. This is why, when giving feedback in such situations, it’s important to balance honesty with kindness, offering constructive suggestions rather than blunt criticism.

Navigating this complex world demands a mastery of diplomacy and subtlety. Despite the pretense of rationality, humans are far more emotional than they care to admit. Honesty without empathy can easily devolve into cruelty, while kindness devoid of truth becomes a form of mental manipulation.

When people pride themselves on their “brutal honesty,” they fail to realize that it is not the truth that lingers in the mind; it is the sting of their harsh delivery. As a result, while honesty remains vital, it must be delivered with care. My wife frequently reminds me that it is not just the substance of our words that matters, but the grace with which we express them.

Reflecting on my earlier visits to my brother’s family, I recall how much I looked forward to those moments. In those days, I learned a fundamental lesson: Make the lady of the house happy, and your pocket will grow heavier in the process. It was a win-win. The most basic human need is the desire to feel good about ourselves and valued. When we are able to accomplish that, we tap into their core need and, in doing so, win a friend for life.

Osmund Agbo is a pulmonary physician.