Do you remember Mad Libs from when you were a child? A story is filled with blanks, and as you fill them in with inappropriate and ridiculous words, you laugh until you can’t see straight. You laugh until you can’t breathe, and your parents beg you to stop! Let’s be children again. Share these with the nurses, and give the shift a little levity.
Pain medication. You see, doctor, my pain specialist is in (foreign city). Before he left, he gave me a (duration of time) supply of (narcotic), and said if I had any problems I should go to the (health care facility). It turns out that my cousin’s (type of pet) got into my pills and (bodily function) all over half of them and ate the rest. If I could just get a (unit of weight or volume) of (drug that begins with D), I’ll be fine until my doctor comes back. Or gets out of (famous correctional facility). Can you help me? My pain is a (number from 10 to infinity). What? You can’t? Well, you are one heartless (derisive and possibly profane term). I want to talk to your (type of great ape) immediately! And I want a cup of (organic chemical)!
Altered loss of consciousness after party. Dude, my friends and I mixed up some (mythical creature) dust and then drank it with a fifth of (childhood drink). It was so crazy! I saw Bobby (method of movement other than walking) up the wall with the (crustacean) and then (reptiles) were playing (70’s band) music, and I was like, whoa! This is awesome! But then some dude said I was looking at his (vintage car) in a sexual-like way, and he hit me with a (cut of meat). Then he said he’d (surgical procedure) me if I didn’t stop it. I said, sorry, man, and so we hit the (antibiotic) pipe and Kandy started singing (metabolic cycle), and we almost passed out. And I guess that’s how I ended up in this (type of lingerie). But I feel pretty. So pretty.
Flu season follies. I’ve had, like, six weeks of (upper respiratory complaint). I’ve been to the (sports arena) and got a prescription for (gourmet dish). And then I kept having dry (muscle group), and I went to (house of worship) and got another prescription for (junk food). That was (time period) ago, and I’m not any better. I think I need some (beauty product) because my friends took it and got better. And I’m just so tired of feeling (romantic emotion). Can you give me something to make me (superpower)? Every year my regular doctor gives me (type of alcohol), and I always get better immediately.
Admission blues. I have an admission for you. This is a (large epoch of time)-year-old (exotic ethnicity) patient with (very small period of time) history of pain in the (tiny bone or gland). Some years ago he also had (Arctic country) fever, complicated by (condition beginning with the, as in “the gout”). He nearly (unusual hobby) that time but pulled through. This time he says the pain is (erotic but not profane word), and feels as if he may (normal bodily function). His (government official) has the same thing and was (spa treatment) last week and then hospitalized. This patient insists that only IV (insect) serum will reverse the symptoms. Also a dose of (pain med that starts with D).
Satisfaction scores. Dear (medical provider title): A review of your patient satisfaction scores reveals that you need to spend more time doing (type of massage) on your patients. You have been accused of (mortal sin), (weight-lifting move), and (home improvement activity). Several reported that you acted like (famous jazz musician), and should be subjected to (unusual torture). On at least one occasion, you apparently told a patient “go (construction equipment) yourself and the (non-motorized vehicle) you rode in on.” This is clearly unacceptable. We expect more from our (menial laborers), and hope that you will try your best to meet the expectations of our (farm animal) and (felon) population. These are not only (ancient professions), they are (sci-fi monsters)! Please pull it together and try to make our customers (any emotion but happy). Thanks, Administration.
EMR. When logging into your new (type of venomous insect) system, remember that the password must contain four letters, three (geometric shapes), and two (occult) symbols. Once logged in, you must verify your log-in by (type of dance) in front of the screen. Then go to the “My (power tool) List,” and click the dropdown menu until you see the (something you regift). Triple-click the icon, and you will see current (nuisance animals). Next, open the portal to (type of horrific underworld), and step inside. When you see the Lord of (kitchen tools), you can begin the charting process for your (unusual college major) patient. When you have checked all of the required (geographic feature) for your (type of athlete), you can free-text your description of the patient encounter. Discharge requires a different (expletive) log-in.
Edwin Leap is an emergency physician who blogs at edwinleap.com and is the author of the Practice Test and Life in Emergistan. This article originally appeared in Emergency Medical News.
