Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

How physicians can save their marriage

James Turner, MD
Physician
May 2, 2018
Share
Tweet
Share

My wife and I have befriended multiple people with struggling marriages.  Maybe this shouldn’t be a big surprise given the majority of marriages end in divorce.  That said, every time we end up with friends struggling in marriage, it never gets any less challenging.  Every single time we run into this challenge, I am reminded of some sage advice I received before I got married: “The three most common causes for failing marriages and divorce are: the bank, the bedroom, and raising children.”

A strange post topic, no?  Well, just let this sink in … there is probably nothing that will sink your financial goals faster than a divorce (or buying everything high and selling low).  So, one of the best things you can do for both your wealth and your wellness is to invest in your marriage.

(Caveat:  I recognize that divorce isn’t preventable in every case.  But I also don’t know anyone that gets married with plans to get divorced.)

 

Where did it all go wrong?

All of my friends who have gone through divorce often look back and say, “Where did it all go wrong?  We were so in love at one point.” A lot of the time there is not a single event or item at which to point a finger.

Truth be told, most relationships that struggle start out as a slow and inconspicuous fade.  There may be a defining point of no return (infidelity, someone leaving, or some other impasse), but it is often the case of things left unsaid or difficulties that weren’t dealt with until it was too late.

Really, marriage is one of the most important areas in life where expectations need to be close to reality.  When we don’t have intentional conversations about what each person expects, that is a recipe for disaster.  In very few areas in life is that more clear than marriage.

The bank

I hope to explore this concept in more depth on this website, but the fact is that you have to be on the same page financially in your marriage.  Otherwise, you simply won’t achieve your goals.  If one of you expects to work until the day, you die and spend every dime along the way, and the other expects to retire at age 50 and travel the world … that is not going to work.

Likewise, if one of you is a prolific spender and the other likes to pinch pennies, then you may spend an inordinate amount of time at odds with each other.  It is better to lay out some clear goals.

So, if you haven’t had a real conversation about finances, then sit down and write them out.  Where do you want to be in 5, 10, or 20 years?  How do you plan to get there?  What “number” will you need to be at to reach those goals?  How will you obtain that number?  When do you want to buy the big house?  How soon do you want to pay off all of your debt?  Is that important to both of you?

Get on the same page and accomplish your goals together.  Be willing to compromise.  Don’t fall on any unnecessary swords.

The bedroom

I am not going to spend a ton of time on this one, but I am also not going to shy away from important topics that are worth discussion. After all, there is almost nothing you can do that is more detrimental to both your wealth and your wellness than divorce. (Though cheap, amicable divorces do exist, I’ve heard.)

I’ll leave it as simple as this:  If you haven’t had honest conversations about what you expect to happen in your wedding chamber — and how often — one or both of you is going to be disappointed.  Some studies have shown that 20 percent of marriages have sex less than ten times per year.

It is reasonable and healthy to have real conversations about your expectations.  If the other person is on a completely different page, then talk about it.

ADVERTISEMENT

Raising your children

More of the same here, but a different topic.  Public school or private school?  (This may relate to the point above about your bank account.)  How many kids? No kids? Which religion?  No religion?

Another important question that people don’t think about until it’s too late: When your kids leave your house, will you and your spouse have something in common?  Will it be easy to live a life with an empty nest as you explore the common things you have found you enjoy through marriage?  Or will you find that you don’t have anything in common at all; maybe you don’t even recognize the person anymore.  This can happen when your kids become your only thing in common.

In today’s culture, it’s extremely challenging to not let our kids become our idols.

Be intentional in raising your kids.  Know that one of the best things for your kids is probably a healthy marriage with loving parents.  If you don’t invest time in your marriage, and make sure that your kids realize that the world doesn’t revolve around them, then it shouldn’t be surprising to you when there is nothing to say when the kids move out.

Take home on divorce

For those that are in medical school or residency considering getting married, I encourage you to have these tough conversations.  If you are already married, then there is an even bigger reason to have these talks.

This might seem like a strange post topic, but I want to explore money and marriage more on this blog as both of those concepts are closely linked to both your wealth and your wellness.  We won’t leave you, single friends, out as we discuss other important topics!

For now, make sure you have clear expectations about the bedroom, the bank, and raising your kids (if you want any).  Work to make reality close to your expectations.  It may just save your marriage.

“The Physician Philosopher” is an anesthesiologist who blogs at his self-titled site, The Physician Philosopher.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

When mansplaining kills patients

May 1, 2018 Kevin 27
…
Next

A surprising cause of rectal bleeding

May 2, 2018 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: Practice Management

Post navigation

< Previous Post
When mansplaining kills patients
Next Post >
A surprising cause of rectal bleeding

ADVERTISEMENT

More by James Turner, MD

  • The reason every resident must get disability insurance during training

    James Turner, MD
  • Is burnout the wrong word?

    James Turner, MD
  • The benefits of taking more time away from work far outweigh the consequences

    James Turner, MD

Related Posts

  • Are patients using social media to attack physicians?

    David R. Stukus, MD
  • The risk physicians take when going on social media

    Anonymous
  • Beware of pseudoscience: The desperate need for physicians on social media

    Valerie A. Jones, MD
  • When physicians are cyberbullied: an interview with ZDoggMD

    Monique Tello, MD
  • Surprising and unlikely rewards of social media engagement by physicians

    Lisa Chan, MD
  • Physicians who don’t play the social media game may be left behind

    Xrayvsn, MD

More in Physician

  • The gift we keep giving: How medicine demands everything—even our holidays

    Tomi Mitchell, MD
  • From burnout to balance: a neurosurgeon’s bold career redesign

    Jessie Mahoney, MD
  • Why working in Hawai’i health care isn’t all paradise

    Clayton Foster, MD
  • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

    Patrick Hudson, MD
  • Why compassion—not credentials—defines great doctors

    Dr. Saad S. Alshohaib
  • Why Canada is losing its skilled immigrant doctors

    Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • Why doctors are reclaiming control from burnout culture

      Maureen Gibbons, MD | Physician
    • A world without vaccines: What history teaches us about public health

      Drew Remignanti, MD, MPH | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • How the 10th Apple Effect is stealing your joy in medicine

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • From Founding Fathers to modern battles: physician activism in a politicized era [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • From stigma to science: Rethinking the U.S. drug scheduling system

      Artin Asadipooya | Meds
    • The gift we keep giving: How medicine demands everything—even our holidays

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Physician
    • The promise and perils of AI in health care: Why we need better testing standards

      Max Rollwage, PhD | Tech
    • From burnout to balance: a neurosurgeon’s bold career redesign

      Jessie Mahoney, MD | Physician
    • Healing the doctor-patient relationship by attacking administrative inefficiencies

      Allen Fredrickson | Policy

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 5 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • Why doctors are reclaiming control from burnout culture

      Maureen Gibbons, MD | Physician
    • A world without vaccines: What history teaches us about public health

      Drew Remignanti, MD, MPH | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • How the 10th Apple Effect is stealing your joy in medicine

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • From Founding Fathers to modern battles: physician activism in a politicized era [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • From stigma to science: Rethinking the U.S. drug scheduling system

      Artin Asadipooya | Meds
    • The gift we keep giving: How medicine demands everything—even our holidays

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Physician
    • The promise and perils of AI in health care: Why we need better testing standards

      Max Rollwage, PhD | Tech
    • From burnout to balance: a neurosurgeon’s bold career redesign

      Jessie Mahoney, MD | Physician
    • Healing the doctor-patient relationship by attacking administrative inefficiencies

      Allen Fredrickson | Policy

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

How physicians can save their marriage
5 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...