A daily dose of sarcasm to trigger some thought, and to ask some serious questions we all should be able to discuss peacefully. These are not necessarily my personal beliefs, lest I need to be attacked at some point by misinformation protector professionals.

But let’s start here: I’ve never known Batman, or Robin, for that case, to ever get ill. And I am old enough to remember racing home to catch the reruns of the old Batman series (I was born when the original was on television, by the way). They did get struck by laughing gas in one episode, but this was easily counteracted by Batman’s bat belt supply of sad pills, which, I surmise, must not have been SSRIs because they weren’t told it would take six months to start working.

And then there was Superman. We all know he seems prone to seasonal Kryptonitis Influenzae, which saps his energy and makes him essentially worthless. I recognize that feeling during the original, unleaded version of COVID. But for a man who is faster than a speeding bullet (couldn’t he outrun a virus?), more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, this one tough, powerful man is prone to getting ill. Sometimes very ill. Why?

A mask.

Maybe it is that simple: Batman and Robin have masks. Superman does not. The other great irony is that even without a mask, the venerable Clark Kent is still never recognized. Amazing.

But I digress.

What if Superman did wear a mask? Would he be stronger and safer than Kryptonite? When I look back, I remember that Aquaman never took ill. Masked. Neither did Spiderman. Masked. Catwoman, Wolverine, and the Flash. Masked, masked, and masked.

Something I did learn during our mask parade during COVID was the adage “The eyes give you away” was wrong. It is not the eyes but the face as a whole. And that is a topic for another discussion, but I had more than a few patients who pulled their masks down and the looks were so different than what I expected that it literally took my breath away—and not in a good way.

Again, I digress.

There is an episode of Wonder Woman where Wonder Woman broke her lasso, which was a gift from the gods, and in punishment, the vindictive gods made sure she took ill. But this was different—not a seasonal virus or bacteria—and actually, we don’t know what she had. Ironically, though, she does not wear a mask. Hmm… could it be? Would a mask have counteracted the actions of the gods? Maybe, as the guy in the car driving alone with his mask on probably thinks so.

And the only one that has had a serious illness is Superman. Maybe he has type O “alien blood,” giving him a weak disposition and immune system? After all, he is from another planet, as I suspect some of my patients might be.

What if we forced masking every day for five years? Would we fade out the common cold, flu, and strep? After all, we wear masks to keep germs out, so what if we just did it forever? I see people in their cars, like I said, alone, driving, wearing masks. What do they know that we don’t? Let’s just cut off and cut out the host and let the germs, all respiratory germs, burn out. Would there be no illness anymore? Would we finally end the common cold and never have to use the analogy again of “finding the cure for the common cold”?

Maybe it is right in front of us. Better yet, let’s force long-sleeved shirts and hoodies by law also. Wouldn’t this prevent skin cancer and staph infections? In all seriousness, listening to some of the more seemingly paranoid of my colleagues, family, and friends, and using their logic, if we simply force masks every day in public, we’d never have illness again. Right? We’d be eternally protected. After all, some very famous med schools and their related websites say for the patients to read, “Masks prevent the spread of germs …” They do not say “some germs” or “only viruses”; they say “germs.” If they imply they stop the smallest of all pathogens—the virus—they should stop all viruses, right?

The Japanese wear them—masks, that is—more than any other nation. And they don’t even have hospitals anymore as they were able to shut them all down, nor have any illness except their “catch-it-from-raw-seafood” borne illness, and they do not even carry antibiotics in their pharmacies anymore, which have mostly been turned into sushi bars.

I am being facetious, of course.

This is sarcasm, my friends, yet sarcasm that is sprinkled with some truth. Various studies show that masks do nothing in the surgical suite—or as my British relatives and colleagues call it, the “theatre”—in protecting a patient from our germs. But this is why we mask there, right? That one really flies in the face of our assumptions. The research is relatively ambivalent as to how well they did for us during COVID. Yes, I know early studies all praised mask-wearing, but I note due to the seemingly full takeover by the more liberal mentality in society, the misinformation screeners, that is, leave out most negative mask-wearing articles or research—regardless of your political bent, try searching the terms “liberal hypocrisy” vs. “conservatives hypocrisy,” and even the former directs you to the latter in Google. Unfortunately, there was little measurement for those who didn’t mask and who did not get ill. But now is the time to do it for research. I meet people and families every day that say, “We didn’t immunize, and we don’t mask, and we never got anything COVID-related.” How do we take those? If they can do it, then how many “I masked, we were safe” were safe anyway?

We will never know, only assume.

My own family is immunized but with little mask-wearing, and we did no mask-wearing in the home, and we had no COVID in the wife and kids. I masked, I am immunized, and I got it four times and never brought it home somehow. Those who masked and didn’t get it inevitably assume that the masks “saved them.” Maybe they would never have got it anyway? How do we know? For comparison, I didn’t drink chocolate milk in the month of December, and I didn’t get the flu. So, chocolate milk causes flu, I assume.

Do we know for sure if masks saved our families—as individuals?

We don’t. Not for certain. But studies show they likely didn’t hurt either, but they also were not very effective in the best of studies. Yet, it likely gave many peace of mind, if nothing else.

Most of the “experts” and providers, it seems, rely on an assumption—maybe not true—that since there is a “block” in front of the face, we assume it must be good. Yes, and 25 years ago, if you insisted only compressions were good in CPR and said breathing for them did little during your CPR class, you would be fed, while being accused of misinformation and told, yelled at, maybe by me as an instructor back in the day, “Well, you just killed your patient! Breathing is the most important part!” And you might be asked to leave the class.

Maybe the mask didn’t help. The two times in our society, when laws and statutes were passed in many places to force masking, are the two times in modern history we had the most deaths in our country ever. As COVID has now passed the 1919 flu in terms of morbidity, I ask: is it cause or effect? Shouldn’t our curve in 1919 have a severe drop-off and another huge drop when Biden took power and told us to mask? No, both pandemics worsened from that point. I do not know why, but it did in terms of cases and deaths.

Remember, I am just asking important questions, not stating my beliefs.

After all, our president, the one who appointed a misinformation czar himself, said on national TV he was tired of the unvaccinated as they were spreading it to everyone else. Hmm, that’s misinformation of the highest power… yet, where’s Fauci when you need him? Or the czar?

Oh yeah, retiring early (he was scheduled for 25) and hiding from Congress.

So come on, maybe we can get Donald J. to pass the law for forced masking forever, or at least during his four-year term. Let’s do away with ALL illnesses, not just the seasonal variety.

Then again, we would have the precedent now to force condom-wearing by law also and do away with HIV, chlamydia, and gonorrhea. And no outdoor picnics, so we don’t get food poisoning. Let’s force those too and we’ll all be happier, except some autoimmune diseases and cancers will still get through the forcefield.

All of that just makes sense, right?

If Superman gets ill, then he likely just needs a mask.

Dale Bingham is a physician assistant.