Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Why we fear being forgotten more than death itself

Patrick Hudson, MD
Physician
May 22, 2025
Share
Tweet
Share

It’s not the easiest question to ask aloud—especially in medicine, where we pronounce death but rarely reflect on it.

We chart it. Certify it. Explain it.
But what does it mean to die?

For most of us, the word carries a double weight. It means to stop biologically. To cease. To end.
But it also means to vanish. To be forgotten. To be no longer seen, needed, or named.

As a surgeon, I saw death up close. Often it came in a rush of monitors, blood loss, and adrenaline. Later, it became more quiet—expected, managed. But I only began to understand its meaning when I felt it threaten my self, not just my patients.

After my heart attack, the question stopped being abstract.

To die, in one sense, is to lose function.
The heart stops. The brain flatlines. The body begins to disintegrate.
There are no more rounds, no more charts, no more questions from the family.

But long before that moment, pieces of us begin dying.
When we give up on a dream.
When we stop being touched.
When we retire and no one calls to ask our opinion.
When our spouse starts repeating the same question.
When the laughter at our jokes feels more polite than amused.

Dying is not one moment—it’s a slow erosion. And the final breath is just the last surrender in a long series of losses.

To die is to disappear from the story.

That’s the ache underneath most death anxiety—not the fear of pain, but the fear of no longer mattering. Of becoming a past tense. A footnote. A body someone else clears out.

And that’s why we push so hard.
That’s why some doctors never retire.
That’s why we write books, keep plaques, teach courses, and tell our stories again and again to anyone who will listen.

We are trying to outlive ourselves.

But it never quite works.

ADVERTISEMENT

To die is to become unknowable.

Even for those left behind, death creates a strange distance. No matter how close we were to the deceased, there’s something suddenly opaque about them. Their thoughts, frozen. Their secrets, sealed.

Even worse, what they meant to us becomes unstable. Were they really happy? Did they know we loved them? Did they leave with peace—or regret?

This unknowability is part of what haunts us. It’s not just that they’re gone—it’s that we can no longer ask them who they were.

And that’s what we fear about our own deaths, too. That the people we love will get us wrong once we’re gone.

To die is to lose control.

We can plan for it. We can set up trusts, advance directives, digital legacies. But death remains the one event we don’t get to manage from the other side.

The world will go on without us. People will misquote us, misremember us, maybe even misjudge us.

And there’s nothing we can do about it.

Unless—unless—we live now with clarity.
Unless we tell the truth while we’re here.
Unless we love clearly, forgive early, and make peace with who we’ve been.

And still—some part of us may never be ready.

Even those who claim to have made peace with death often flinch when it comes close. And why wouldn’t they? To die is to walk into the unknown, stripped of all credentials, unaccompanied by our résumés.

We are more afraid than we let on. But also more curious.

What if death isn’t just an ending—but a moment of clarity?

What if, as some traditions believe, the self expands in that final instant—suddenly able to see all we missed?

What if the meaning of dying isn’t about how long we live or what we leave behind—but about how fully we inhabit our lives before they end?

I don’t know exactly what it means to die.
But I know this:

It means something more than medicine teaches us.
It means something more than most of us are willing to say out loud.
And it’s worth thinking about—now, while we’re still here, while there’s still time to live accordingly.

Not because we can fix death.
But because we might, just might, learn how to live in its shadow without fear.

Patrick Hudson is a retired surgeon, psychotherapist, and author. Trained at Westminster Hospital Medical School in London, he practiced for decades in both the U.K. and the U.S. before turning his focus from surgical procedures to emotional repair—supporting physicians in navigating the hidden costs of their work and the quiet ways medicine reshapes identity. Patrick holds advanced degrees in counseling, liberal arts, and health care ethics, and is board certified in both surgery and coaching.

Through his national coaching practice, CoachingforPhysicians.com, he works with clinicians seeking clarity, renewal, and deeper connection in their professional lives. He also writes under CFP Press, a small imprint he founded for reflective writing in medicine.

His latest book, Ten Things I Wish I Had Known When I Started Medical School, was released in 2025 and became a #1 New Release in Medical Education & Training. To view his full catalog, visit his Amazon author page.

Prev

My journey from misdiagnosis to living fully with APBD

May 22, 2025 Kevin 1
…
Next

Surviving kidney disease and reforming patient care [PODCAST]

May 22, 2025 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: Palliative Care

Post navigation

< Previous Post
My journey from misdiagnosis to living fully with APBD
Next Post >
Surviving kidney disease and reforming patient care [PODCAST]

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Patrick Hudson, MD

  • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

    Patrick Hudson, MD
  • Why some doctors age gracefully—and others grow bitter

    Patrick Hudson, MD
  • If I had to choose: Choosing the patient over the protocol

    Patrick Hudson, MD

Related Posts

  • The solution to a crumbling primary care foundation is direct primary care

    Sara Pastoor, MD
  • To care or not to care: reflections on treating incarcerated patients

    Riya Sood
  • The forgotten crisis: a shortage of geriatric doctors in the U.S.

    Michael Pessman
  • Health care’s hidden problem: hospital primary care losses

    Christopher Habig, MBA
  • I challenge you to discuss death

    Emily S. Hagen, MD
  • My grandfather’s death: What I’ve learned about life

    Munera Ahmed

More in Physician

  • How subjective likability practices undermine Canada’s health workforce recruitment and retention

    Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD
  • Why judgment is hurting doctors—and how mindfulness can heal

    Jessie Mahoney, MD
  • Why evidence-based management may be an effective strategy for stronger health care leadership and equity

    Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD
  • The gift we keep giving: How medicine demands everything—even our holidays

    Tomi Mitchell, MD
  • From burnout to balance: a neurosurgeon’s bold career redesign

    Jessie Mahoney, MD
  • Why working in Hawai’i health care isn’t all paradise

    Clayton Foster, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • The hidden health risks in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act

      Trevor Lyford, MPH | Policy
    • Why doctors are reclaiming control from burnout culture

      Maureen Gibbons, MD | Physician
    • Why health care leaders fail at execution—and how to fix it

      Dave Cummings, RN | Policy
    • How digital tools are reshaping the doctor-patient relationship

      Vineet Vishwanath | Tech
    • Would The Pitts’ Dr. Robby Robinavitch welcome a new colleague? Yes. Especially if their initials were AI.

      Gabe Jones, MBA | Tech
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • How the 10th Apple Effect is stealing your joy in medicine

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Decoding your medical bill: What those charges really mean

      Cheryl Spang | Finance
    • The emotional first responders of aesthetic medicine

      Sarah White, APRN | Conditions
    • Why testosterone matters more than you think in women’s health

      Andrea Caamano, MD | Conditions
    • A mind to guide the machine: Why physicians must help shape artificial intelligence in medicine

      Shanice Spence-Miller, MD | Tech
    • How subjective likability practices undermine Canada’s health workforce recruitment and retention

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Physician
    • How veteran health care is being transformed by tech and teamwork

      Deborah Lafer Scher | Conditions

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 1 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • The hidden health risks in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act

      Trevor Lyford, MPH | Policy
    • Why doctors are reclaiming control from burnout culture

      Maureen Gibbons, MD | Physician
    • Why health care leaders fail at execution—and how to fix it

      Dave Cummings, RN | Policy
    • How digital tools are reshaping the doctor-patient relationship

      Vineet Vishwanath | Tech
    • Would The Pitts’ Dr. Robby Robinavitch welcome a new colleague? Yes. Especially if their initials were AI.

      Gabe Jones, MBA | Tech
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • How the 10th Apple Effect is stealing your joy in medicine

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Decoding your medical bill: What those charges really mean

      Cheryl Spang | Finance
    • The emotional first responders of aesthetic medicine

      Sarah White, APRN | Conditions
    • Why testosterone matters more than you think in women’s health

      Andrea Caamano, MD | Conditions
    • A mind to guide the machine: Why physicians must help shape artificial intelligence in medicine

      Shanice Spence-Miller, MD | Tech
    • How subjective likability practices undermine Canada’s health workforce recruitment and retention

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Physician
    • How veteran health care is being transformed by tech and teamwork

      Deborah Lafer Scher | Conditions

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Why we fear being forgotten more than death itself
1 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...