The question “What’s strong with me?” startled me the first time I heard it. Because we direct so many of our day-to-day thoughts to what’s wrong, it can feel odd to ask what’s strong. But this simple question has the power to release the tight hold that problems have on our thoughts and open a new way of thinking. We’ve all had moments when problems seem so big that it’s hard to think of anything else. Those are exactly the times when bringing strengths to the forefront matters most. Mindfulness teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn reminds us, “As long as you are breathing, there is more right with you than wrong, no matter what is wrong.”

Many parents I work with embrace this idea. They focus on their child’s strengths and make sure others do, too. But some parents, when told their child’s strengths, respond by saying, “Yes, but” and redirect the focus back to what’s wrong. I believe the goal is to strike a balance: To get to “Yes, and.” Of course, we should take every action to understand and attend to autism and its co-occurring features, but none of that matters if we don’t highlight and grow your child’s strengths.

What’s a strength

I think of strength as something someone can do, and when they do it, it serves them well. Strength is an ability. Everyone has strengths. But not all people think about strengths this way. People often mistake strengths as abilities that are defined by comparison with others’ abilities or with some external standard. Some researchers even define strengths as only those skills that are executed nearly perfectly every time. By that standard, only machines and superheroes have strengths. It’s no wonder we have a hard time recognizing strengths in our children and ourselves.

Defining strengths by comparison doesn’t make sense. Consider, for example, something you do that serves you well. Maybe it’s jogging, hiking, swimming, cooking, organizing, following a schedule, making people laugh, showing people you care, helping others learn, or any of the skills that help you to be the kind of parent, friend, citizen, and person that you want to be. I consider my capacity for mindfulness and meditation a strength, but if I compared myself with a Zen master, it would probably look more like a weakness.

Some people might argue that the comparison should be with the “norm” or “average” level of ability. In that case, would a skill need to be better than half the people in the world to be a strength? It’s impossible to know how we compare ourselves with so many others. And even if we could know, it wouldn’t mean very much. A person’s skill in any area and how it serves them doesn’t have much to do with anyone else. The same holds true for all abilities. Sure, we show great admiration for Olympians, world-record holders, and others who demonstrate unique abilities. But those outstanding achievements aren’t more important than recognizing and growing individual strengths to advance toward personal goals and maximize potential.

So, strengths can’t be defined through comparison with others, and they can’t be defined solely by others, including people who are considered experts in child development. It’s up to each person, with the support of those closest to them who know them best, to define their own strengths. Take a moment to complete this strength-finding exercise about your child. When you’re describing a particular event, include what you remember about the setting, what your child was doing, and what others were doing.

• Describe some situations when you’ve seen your child at their best.
• Describe times when your child enjoyed interactions with other people.
• Describe times when you saw your child overcome a challenge.
• Describe some of the ways your child can care for themselves.
• Describe how your child expresses joy (How does your child look when they’re happy?).
• Describe a time when your child completed a new activity or showed a new ability.

To succeed in this world, we all need to recognize our own strengths. Unfortunately, learning to recognize one’s own strengths isn’t usually included in individualized education programs or behavior therapy plans, even though it should be. Learning requires a willingness to take risks, and taking risks requires confidence and trust in one’s abilities. Your child has a greater chance of achieving their goals if the voice in their head is asking “What’s strong with me?” rather than “What’s wrong with me?” In the long run, this can also protect against depression, anxiety, and other mental health symptoms. You can shape your child’s inner voice and help your child to be led by what they can do, not by what they can’t.

Suzanne Goh is a pediatric neurologist and author of Magnificent Minds: The New Whole-Child Approach to Autism.