Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

The intimacy gap between doctors and patients

Jordan Grumet, MD
Physician
March 31, 2015
Share
Tweet
Share

I used to think that there was a communication gulf between doctors and patients.  Somewhere in the hubbub of the harried office visit some secret sauce was missing.  A divide that was so fundamental that both parties often left the room feeling disjointed and uneasy.  Patients wondered if doctors truly heard them.  Physicians wondered if anyone was listening to what they were saying.  The tension ebbed and flowed but never disappeared.  This has been the state of health care over the last decade.  This has been the environment in which I have built my clinical career.

I now believe that the term “communication” is imperfect and lacks the specificity that I am looking for.  I think what we truly have is an intimacy gap.  What separates doctors and patients is a disjointed and unnatural version of intimacy that in no way mirrors the important bonds that we form in real life non-medical relationships.

Let me explain.

A patient walks into the exam room and unloads the most intimate, embarrassing, and frightening secrets to their doctor.  Unlike close friends or loved ones, the physician has in no way earned this privilege.  They had not gained this right through hours of conversation, years of support, or acts of selflessness.  There is no shared struggle or trust.  It is given too freely.

The doctor listens patiently and kindheartedly.  But the interaction can only be so rewarding.  There is no mutual disclosure of secrets.  No bidirectional sharing of intimacy.  The physician remains stone-faced, objectively detached.  This is what we learned in training.

The practitioner, conversely, is bombarded day in and day out with urgent and emergent situations.  There often is no normal period to engage and form stronger bonds.  They are shuttled from exam room to exam room trying to put out fires without any of the nicety of experiencing their patients during non-turbulent times.

When disaster hits, physicians become immersed in someone else’s pain and tragedy.  But when they die, or get better, or move away, we are plucked out of their lives and rarely are present for any sense of closure.  By then we have moved on to the next case, the next emergency.

Disjointed, unnatural intimacy.

I don’t know how to solve this problem.

For my part, I have decided the only solution is to strive for mutual disclosure.  Maybe we, as physicians, can tell our stories.

We can tell our stories to those we care for, so that they may also care for us.

Jordan Grumet is an internal medicine physician who blogs at In My Humble Opinion. Watch his talk at dotMED 2013, Caring 2.0: Social Media and the Rise Of The Empathic Physician. He is the author of I Am Your Doctor: and This Is My Humble Opinion.

Prev

Hospitalists: It's time to be more exclusive

March 31, 2015 Kevin 2
…
Next

Top stories in health and medicine, April 1, 2015

April 1, 2015 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: Primary Care

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Hospitalists: It's time to be more exclusive
Next Post >
Top stories in health and medicine, April 1, 2015

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Jordan Grumet, MD

  • The man who changed the world with baseball cards

    Jordan Grumet, MD
  • A hospice doctor’s advice on getting your finances in order

    Jordan Grumet, MD
  • A story of persistence in the face of death

    Jordan Grumet, MD

More in Physician

  • What Beauty and the Beast taught me about risk

    Jayson Greenberg, MD
  • Creating safe, authentic group experiences

    Diane W. Shannon, MD, MPH
  • How tragedy shaped a medical career

    Ronald L. Lindsay, MD
  • A doctor’s guide to preparing for your death

    Joseph Pepe, MD
  • How policy and stigma block addiction treatment

    Mariana Ndrio, MD
  • Why don’t women in medicine support each other?

    Jessie Mahoney, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The human case for preserving the nipple after mastectomy

      Thomas Amburn, MD | Conditions
    • Nuclear verdicts and rising costs: How inflation is reshaping medical malpractice claims

      Robert E. White, Jr. & The Doctors Company | Policy
    • How new loan caps could destroy diversity in medical education

      Caleb Andrus-Gazyeva | Policy
    • IMGs are the future of U.S. primary care

      Adam Brandon Bondoc, MD | Physician
    • From nurse practitioner to leader in quality improvement [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The crushing bureaucracy that’s driving independent physicians to extinction

      Scott Tzorfas, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • Health equity in Inland Southern California requires urgent action

      Vishruth Nagam | Policy
    • How restrictive opioid policies worsen the crisis

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
    • Why primary care needs better dermatology training

      Alex Siauw | Conditions
    • New student loan caps could shut low-income students out of medicine

      Tom Phan, MD | Physician
    • Why pain doctors face unfair scrutiny and harsh penalties in California

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
    • Love, birds, and fries: a story of innocence and connection

      Dr. Damane Zehra | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • What Beauty and the Beast taught me about risk

      Jayson Greenberg, MD | Physician
    • Creating safe, authentic group experiences

      Diane W. Shannon, MD, MPH | Physician
    • The diseconomics of scale: How Indian pharma’s race to scale backfires on U.S. patients

      Adwait Chafale | Meds
    • Healing from medical training by learning to trust your body again [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How tragedy shaped a medical career

      Ronald L. Lindsay, MD | Physician
    • A doctor’s guide to preparing for your death

      Joseph Pepe, MD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 4 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The human case for preserving the nipple after mastectomy

      Thomas Amburn, MD | Conditions
    • Nuclear verdicts and rising costs: How inflation is reshaping medical malpractice claims

      Robert E. White, Jr. & The Doctors Company | Policy
    • How new loan caps could destroy diversity in medical education

      Caleb Andrus-Gazyeva | Policy
    • IMGs are the future of U.S. primary care

      Adam Brandon Bondoc, MD | Physician
    • From nurse practitioner to leader in quality improvement [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The crushing bureaucracy that’s driving independent physicians to extinction

      Scott Tzorfas, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • Health equity in Inland Southern California requires urgent action

      Vishruth Nagam | Policy
    • How restrictive opioid policies worsen the crisis

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
    • Why primary care needs better dermatology training

      Alex Siauw | Conditions
    • New student loan caps could shut low-income students out of medicine

      Tom Phan, MD | Physician
    • Why pain doctors face unfair scrutiny and harsh penalties in California

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
    • Love, birds, and fries: a story of innocence and connection

      Dr. Damane Zehra | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • What Beauty and the Beast taught me about risk

      Jayson Greenberg, MD | Physician
    • Creating safe, authentic group experiences

      Diane W. Shannon, MD, MPH | Physician
    • The diseconomics of scale: How Indian pharma’s race to scale backfires on U.S. patients

      Adwait Chafale | Meds
    • Healing from medical training by learning to trust your body again [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How tragedy shaped a medical career

      Ronald L. Lindsay, MD | Physician
    • A doctor’s guide to preparing for your death

      Joseph Pepe, MD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

The intimacy gap between doctors and patients
4 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...