Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Don’t ignore incest: advice from an incest survivor

Anonymous
Physician
October 18, 2018
Share
Tweet
Share

In the era of #MeToo, Missy Elliot, Whitney Houston, Tyler Perry, Oprah, Ashley Judd, Gabrielle Union, Teri Hatcher and, now, Padma Lakshmi — keeping kids safe and helping adults heal is our job as physicians. I am a pediatrician — and I am an incest survivor. My perpetrator was also a physician. I bore a dirty secret before I knew what a secret was. The person who hurt me was the person I trusted the most. Nothing made sense, yet I talked to no one about it for the first two decades of my life and didn’t seek help until my third decade.

Incest is gross.

Incest happens.

Incest continues if you ignore it.

People sit in pain if they are not allowed to heal from the repercussions of it.

Incest is not an isolated occurrence. Many things have to align for it to occur; an orchestra of family dysfunction and bad behavior; further heightened by the twisting of many arms and the telling of many elaborate lies to perpetuate this increasingly evolved orchestra. Demands trump logic, lies dominate safety and a perverse contortion becomes the permanent family stance taken in order to save face, most importantly, of the perpetrator.

Incest survivors are smart. We are wonderful negotiators, fiercely protective and always innately aware of our environment. We are also taught before we can speak that our role is to accommodate the needs of others. Survivors will loyally protect others often at the detriment of ourselves — until we no longer can. Until we hurt ourselves, hurt others or cross our perpetrators and get help.

Who creates this environment? Like any powerful event, it is not done in isolation — it is the work of many adults and many generations. Deep, thick roots, dug deep in the ground with no intention of budging. A mother “unknowingly” grooms a daughter for her father or lets him sleep alone in the same bed as her though he is known to have molested other kids.

Family members pretend they never heard that ever happened since he is the uncle that throws the big parties or owns the family business. Mom negotiates with her daughters to let stepdad back in the house because he didn’t really do much more than touch her daughter’s bottom and he’s their sole source of income. Or the five-year-old is making things up because that’s what they do at this age according to the policeman. We all create this environment — until we don’t. Every time we look away, we quiet a voice because of our personal discomfort we support the environment that fosters incest. So get used to the word. It’s not a bad word. The action is bad, the person who perpetrates on an innocent child should be the one dealing with the consequence.

Please allow the survivor to say: “I am an incest survivor and I have PTSD” so that they can explain body memories and explain medications, explain the inexplicable acute manifestation of an inflammatory disease. Or so they can explain that they are not stupid or forgetful but, in fact, learned to disassociate as a child to protect themselves in unsafe environments. Or so that I can explain that I am not crazy or unstable, but am falsely wired to worry a lot and frequently and it takes the world to calm myself. Allow survivors to say that so they can continue to fiercely resist and/or recover from addiction to sex, love, cigarettes, food, alcohol, prescription medications, picking skin, soda — you name it. And say it so we can continue to work as hard as I have been working to heal, but not in deep secret, as I had to as a kid to keep someone’s secret that hurt me.

Society unknowingly retraumatizes victims of incest when they turn their head the other way. The burden is released when you accept the word “incest” and remember that the action, not the word, is demonic. Physicians play a critical role. They can unknowingly retraumatize an incest survivor, or they can be the key to unlock the door, releasing someone from their internal hell. Over time, I have learned how to turn the key. Here is my experience, strength, and hope as a physician who has survived incest and continues to work with children and families that experience it:

1. Ask the question. Don’t be scared. Only good will come of it. Someone, be it a child or adult, will only tell you when they are ready too. If they tell you, it is because they need the help and they trust you.

2. Have a high index of suspicion. If the story doesn’t add up and something in your gut suspects child abuse, speak to the patient alone, speak from a place of safety and compassion. Inform them, before asking, that you are a mandated reporter (otherwise it can devastate that fragile trust you built).

3. Listen. Don’t bring in another person’s story. Minimize interruption. Echo back condolence, sadness and thank them for being brave and trusting to tell you.

4. Assess for imminent threats.  Do they live with the perpetrator, can they return home, are they suicidal?

ADVERTISEMENT

5. Do not touch/hug as a sign of empathy. These are natural human instincts but can feel very different to a victim of incest or child abuse.

6. Help a patient come back to the present with grounding exercises like deep breathing, stating their full name, date, and location.

7. Know the laws around mandated reporting. When in doubt call and run your case by Child Protective Services.

8. Debrief with a trusted colleague (respecting HIPAA), ground yourself before moving on to the next patient.

The author is an anonymous physician.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

We have to deal with the trauma in veterans early on

October 18, 2018 Kevin 0
…
Next

Why do doctors treat their own so cruelly?

October 18, 2018 Kevin 23
…

Tagged as: Psychiatry

Post navigation

< Previous Post
We have to deal with the trauma in veterans early on
Next Post >
Why do doctors treat their own so cruelly?

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Anonymous

  • Why young doctors in South Korea feel broken before they even begin

    Anonymous
  • Do Jewish students face rising bias in holistic admissions?

    Anonymous
  • Medical students in Korea face expulsion for speaking out

    Anonymous

Related Posts

  • A mother’s advice to her physician son

    June Garen, RN
  • Advice for first-year medical students

    Jamie Katuna
  • Advice for graduating medical students

    R. Lynn Barnett
  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD
  • The other opioid epidemic that we ignore

    Hans Duvefelt, MD
  • 3 pieces of advice to new medical students

    Natasha Abadilla

More in Physician

  • Removing vaccine advisers could jeopardize lives

    J. Leonard Lichtenfeld, MD
  • Why would any physician believe that the practice of medicine will become less abusive for them in the future?

    Curtis G. Graham, MD
  • The hidden war on doctors: Understanding administrative violence

    Maryna Mammoliti, MD
  • How doctors can stop frivolous lawsuits before they start

    Howard Smith, MD
  • How the 10th Apple Effect is stealing your joy in medicine

    Neil Baum, MD
  • When a doctor becomes the narrator of a patient’s final chapter

    Ryan McCarthy, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • How medical culture hides burnout in plain sight

      Marco Benítez | Conditions
    • Why flashy AI tools won’t fix health care without real infrastructure

      David Carmouche, MD | Tech
    • How the 10th Apple Effect is stealing your joy in medicine

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • Why Medicaid cuts should alarm every doctor

      Ilan Shapiro, MD | Policy
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • Make cognitive testing as routine as a blood pressure check

      Joshua Baker and James Jackson, PsyD | Conditions
    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • The broken health care system doesn’t have to break you

      Jessie Mahoney, MD | Physician
    • How dismantling DEI endangers the future of medical care

      Shashank Madhu and Christian Tallo | Education
    • How scales of justice saved a doctor-patient relationship

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • When the diagnosis is personal: What my mother’s Alzheimer’s taught me about healing

      Pearl Jones, MD | Conditions
    • What led me from nurse practitioner to medical school

      Sarah White, APRN | Education
    • Why local cardiac CT scans could save your life

      Benjamin Cohen, MD | Conditions
    • Reassessing the impact of CDC’s opioid guidelines on chronic pain care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Key strategies for smooth EHR transitions in health care

      Sandra Johnson | Tech
    • How proposed NIH budget cuts could derail Alzheimer’s research

      Tamer Hage, Tejas Sekhar, and Swapna Vaja | Conditions

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 3 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • How medical culture hides burnout in plain sight

      Marco Benítez | Conditions
    • Why flashy AI tools won’t fix health care without real infrastructure

      David Carmouche, MD | Tech
    • How the 10th Apple Effect is stealing your joy in medicine

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • Why Medicaid cuts should alarm every doctor

      Ilan Shapiro, MD | Policy
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • Make cognitive testing as routine as a blood pressure check

      Joshua Baker and James Jackson, PsyD | Conditions
    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • The broken health care system doesn’t have to break you

      Jessie Mahoney, MD | Physician
    • How dismantling DEI endangers the future of medical care

      Shashank Madhu and Christian Tallo | Education
    • How scales of justice saved a doctor-patient relationship

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • When the diagnosis is personal: What my mother’s Alzheimer’s taught me about healing

      Pearl Jones, MD | Conditions
    • What led me from nurse practitioner to medical school

      Sarah White, APRN | Education
    • Why local cardiac CT scans could save your life

      Benjamin Cohen, MD | Conditions
    • Reassessing the impact of CDC’s opioid guidelines on chronic pain care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Key strategies for smooth EHR transitions in health care

      Sandra Johnson | Tech
    • How proposed NIH budget cuts could derail Alzheimer’s research

      Tamer Hage, Tejas Sekhar, and Swapna Vaja | Conditions

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Don’t ignore incest: advice from an incest survivor
3 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...