Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

I don’t want to risk my life to keep my job

Anonymous
Conditions
March 23, 2020
Share
Tweet
Share

There’s an intruder in our relationship, and her name is COVID.  Every night I come home, and she’s lurking around the corner on an Amazon box, in the crevice of my couch perhaps, or her scent is lingering on my husband’s scrubs.  A physician-physician marriage is hard enough, but when put under the microscope of a life-threatening pandemic, well, it is disjointed to say the least.

My husband is an orthopedic surgeon.  For those in the physician community, enough said.  I am an internist in private practice who sees patients in the hospital, nursing home, and the office.  As I go to work in the hospital with not enough protective equipment available, I don my own mask.  This prompts an email complaint and mandate to wear masks only in patient rooms.  Is the staff of the hospital, myself included, not an asymptomatic carrier?  What is the purpose of social distancing if when I go to work everyone is not?  People are sharing keyboards, touching their eye goo, and not keeping a 6-foot distance.

Dual physician marriages are difficult enough under normal circumstances—cue trespasser Armageddon to obliterate it to smithereens.  Now I have heard of these couples encaged at home forced to get along and home school their children.  That, of course, is a whole different beast.  I feel for you; I really do.  Let me tell you, though, the only place I feel safe is home.

For work, I go into the lion’s den without much protection.  I’m utterly paranoid about what I have touched and not touched.  Did I touch a piece of paper that could have it?  Did the physical therapist who reported a low heart rate in a hospice patient a couple of feet away from me have it?  I wear a mask and people are alarmed.  That’s alarming?  The mask is alarming?  Not the pandemic that is taking over our world?

One of my colleagues was kicked out of a skilled nursing facility for wearing one.  I am stuck in my own imagined safety perimeter box and then a metaphorical box around that which forbids me from acting like we have a crisis on our hands.  This, as you can imagine, makes for an interesting inner dialogue.  I am on edge all day.  I cry every day before I go to work, and sometimes after I return.

The sanitization protocol I have developed for my house is single-handedly putting my marriage to its greatest test.  My husband touches an envelope in our mail pile.  “You have to wash your hands immediately,” I exclaim!  Let’s just say he is rather irritated with me.  I’ll divulge that he does not have the best coping skills at baseline, probably due to his only child, Indian upbringing.  Add COVID to the mix, and it doesn’t make for a pretty picture.  My blabbing about the virus has scared him to attempting to maintain sterility at work and the grocery store.  So, as you can imagine, he too, is living in a box inside a box; that makes for a tense household.

My two-year-old is acting out more these days, yelling and screaming more.  I can only guess this is partially the terrible twos and partially absorbing the ambiance we are unintentionally creating.  Consequently, I start to bash myself as a less than parent, quickly followed by an attempt to show myself a grain of compassion.  This is reality.  Things aren’t always happy and sunny.  He needs to understand that. Thus, a partially morose ambiance may be OK.

I wake up each day and face only that day.  I can’t think about the day before when a patient was coughing in my face or the day after when I might contract the illness and infect my family.  It is scary out there, and all I really want to do is cozy up in my pajamas and sit in my office working from home.  But I can’t do that.  I would love to tell you that I’m a hero and want to save the world.  I don’t.  I want to live.  I don’t want to risk my life to keep my job, but I can’t afford to lose it.  It’s a predicament.  This too shall pass, and I hope I am there to see it.

The author is an anonymous physician.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Don't underestimate patients' emotions

March 23, 2020 Kevin 1
…
Next

Hospitals run on much more than doctors and nurses, so spread the love

March 23, 2020 Kevin 2
…

Tagged as: COVID, Infectious Disease

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Don't underestimate patients' emotions
Next Post >
Hospitals run on much more than doctors and nurses, so spread the love

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Anonymous

  • When the white coats become gatekeepers: How a quiet cartel strangles America’s health

    Anonymous
  • Graduating from medical school without family: a story of strength and survival

    Anonymous
  • Why young doctors in South Korea feel broken before they even begin

    Anonymous

Related Posts

  • Don’t judge when trainees use dating apps in the hospital

    Austin Perlmutter, MD
  • The risk physicians take when going on social media

    Anonymous
  • Ethical humanism: life after #medbikini and an approach to reimagining professionalism

    Jay Wong
  • The life cycle of medication consumption

    Fery Pashang, PharmD
  • Life can be meaningful even in the midst of residency

    Karl Chen, MD
  • A life moment you dare not dream of

    J. Michael Millis, MD

More in Conditions

  • What if medicine had an exit interview?

    Lynn McComas, DNP, ANP-C
  • Finding healing in narrative medicine: When words replace silence

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • Why coaching is not a substitute for psychotherapy

    Maire Daugharty, MD
  • Why doctors stay silent about preventable harm

    Jenny Shields, PhD
  • Why gambling addiction is America’s next health crisis

    Safina Adatia, MD
  • How robotics are reshaping the future of vascular procedures

    David Fischel
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why removing fluoride from water is a public health disaster

      Steven J. Katz, DDS | Conditions
    • When did we start treating our lives like trauma?

      Maureen Gibbons, MD | Physician
    • Mastering medical presentations: Elevating your impact

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • Why the pre-med path is pushing future doctors to the brink

      Jordan Williamson, MEd | Education
    • Why what doctors say matters more than you think [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The hidden incentives driving frivolous malpractice lawsuits

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • Addressing the physician shortage: How AI can help, not replace

      Amelia Mercado | Tech
    • Why medical students are trading empathy for publications

      Vijay Rajput, MD | Education
    • Bureaucracy over care: How the U.S. health care system lost its way

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Why the pre-med path is pushing future doctors to the brink

      Jordan Williamson, MEd | Education
    • Why the fear of being forgotten is stronger than the fear of death [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How a rainy walk helped an oncologist rediscover joy and bravery

      Dr. Damane Zehra | Physician
    • How inspiration and family stories shape our most meaningful moments

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Physician
    • A day in the life of a WHO public health professional in Meghalaya, India

      Dr. Poulami Mazumder | Physician
    • Why women doctors are still mistaken for nurses

      Emma Fenske, DO | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why removing fluoride from water is a public health disaster

      Steven J. Katz, DDS | Conditions
    • When did we start treating our lives like trauma?

      Maureen Gibbons, MD | Physician
    • Mastering medical presentations: Elevating your impact

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • Why the pre-med path is pushing future doctors to the brink

      Jordan Williamson, MEd | Education
    • Why what doctors say matters more than you think [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The hidden incentives driving frivolous malpractice lawsuits

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why tracking cognitive load could save doctors and patients

      Hiba Fatima Hamid | Education
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • Addressing the physician shortage: How AI can help, not replace

      Amelia Mercado | Tech
    • Why medical students are trading empathy for publications

      Vijay Rajput, MD | Education
    • Bureaucracy over care: How the U.S. health care system lost its way

      Kayvan Haddadan, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Why the pre-med path is pushing future doctors to the brink

      Jordan Williamson, MEd | Education
    • Why the fear of being forgotten is stronger than the fear of death [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How a rainy walk helped an oncologist rediscover joy and bravery

      Dr. Damane Zehra | Physician
    • How inspiration and family stories shape our most meaningful moments

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Physician
    • A day in the life of a WHO public health professional in Meghalaya, India

      Dr. Poulami Mazumder | Physician
    • Why women doctors are still mistaken for nurses

      Emma Fenske, DO | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...