Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

The COVID effect on this physician

M. Michelle McClelland, MD
Conditions
July 12, 2020
Share
Tweet
Share

COVID. What is it to me? A sense of growing dread for primary care providers everywhere, whose patient panels read like a list of future dead. Diabetes, obesity, heart disease, emphysema. The reality is most people have no idea how close to devastation our medical system is at most times. How many times was the hospital of my residency on diversion due to staffing or available beds? How many times have ERs overflowed into hallways with nowhere for patients to go? Without COVID. Without a flu pandemic. Just the heavy burden of chronic disease that America carries. The heavy burden of inflicted illness that America encourages.

Our food system is a joke; the access to fresh food in urban centers is the punchline. Minimal PE in schools, let alone exercise in the real world. Addiction to food, let alone tobacco, medications, or drugs, is killing us. A workaholic culture is taking our stress levels through the roof. Our “living wage” is but a poverty wage in many densely populated areas. And we continue to make changes that disenfranchise the poor, that limit health care access, that promote processed foods, that incarcerate many of certain categories of people while ignoring others. Everywhere you look, there is inequity waiting to be addressed.

The COVID effect. A sense of growing dread, a terror is spreading from my heart to my hands as I treat those who I know would never make it, if it came to it. As I watch the map go from green to red one county at a time. They’ll die alone in a hospital, if they’re unlucky. If they’re lucky, hospice will be available to comfort them – but we all know that service is limited, now far outpaced. And this is just the COVID group. What about those who need an ICU bed that doesn’t exist? What do we do when hospitals are full?

I hope that the rest of the medical field can be as creative as my facility has been. More so even. Home infusions so infections can stay home to get fluid and IV antibiotics, floor beds converted to ICU beds, elective surgeries halted so every ventilator can save a life, telemedicine and drive-up pharmacy and mail order pharmacy to keep people from coming inside a building previously seen as a haven for the medically needy, now an enormous potential fomite. So many changes to medicine in so little time. I worry for those who fall through the cracks.

And my peers. My weary, burned out, numb peers with face sores and a fear of being around the very family that could comfort them. I fear for them. Because medicine is hard to begin with. Sometimes just emotional and sometimes truly traumatizing. I filled out a will this year at thirty-five years old, never believed that would be needed as a physician. I just got married last year. I haven’t had kids. My mom lives in a different state. I never thought that the last time I saw her might be the last time. How do we process this in the middle of all that medicine is? Medicine is asking others to share their emotions while we bury our own. I can’t help but look to the universe to beg and plead that these beautiful, caring people reach out before hurting themselves in ways we cannot fix. Comfort them in their times of need and sorrow. Please don’t break their will to live by breaking the living.

And for the rest of us, the families and the friends, the loved ones, the single people living alone whose isolation is of the truest sense. May our hearts bear the burden well. May our actions reflect our love for neighbors. May our pride take a back seat to life. May our time of isolation lead to positive changes in our hopes and desires for our lives. May we be able to see the value amidst the fear, to highlight our true desires as we recognize their current limitations.

I look forward to a life without or past or through COVID. To blue skies and the sounds of children running down the halls, to full hospitals bustling with family and flowers, to tears around a bed with hands held and goodbyes said. To the moment when connection doesn’t mean infection. In the meantime, I will do everything I can to keep my community safe. From me, an enormous potential fomite.

M. Michelle McClelland is a family medicine physician.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Health care should be apolitical, but it isn’t

July 12, 2020 Kevin 3
…
Next

A psychiatrist explores the mental health of physicians [PODCAST]

July 12, 2020 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: COVID, Infectious Disease

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Health care should be apolitical, but it isn’t
Next Post >
A psychiatrist explores the mental health of physicians [PODCAST]

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

More by M. Michelle McClelland, MD

  • Don’t lose yourself: a warning from a divorced physician

    M. Michelle McClelland, MD

Related Posts

  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD
  • Where’s the big COVID data?

    Anuradha Kolluru, MD and Rakesh Lattupalli, MD
  • How COVID is exposing poor working conditions in the U.S.

    Irene Martinez, MD
  • The black physician’s burden

    Naomi Tweyo Nkinsi
  • Finding happiness in the time of COVID

    Anonymous
  • How a physician keynote can highlight your conference

    Kevin Pho, MD

More in Conditions

  • Measles is back: Why vaccination is more vital than ever

    American College of Physicians
  • Hope is the lifeline: a deeper look into transplant care

    Judith Eguzoikpe, MD, MPH
  • From hospital bed to harsh truths: a writer’s unexpected journey

    Raymond Abbott
  • Bird flu’s deadly return: Are we flying blind into the next pandemic?

    Tista S. Ghosh, MD, MPH
  • “The medical board doesn’t know I exist. That’s the point.”

    Jenny Shields, PhD
  • When moisturizers trigger airport bomb alarms

    Eva M. Shelton, MD and Janmesh Patel
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • Why recovery after illness demands dignity, not suspicion

      Trisza Leann Ray, DO | Physician
    • Addressing the physician shortage: How AI can help, not replace

      Amelia Mercado | Tech
    • Why medical students are trading empathy for publications

      Vijay Rajput, MD | Education
    • Why does rifaximin cost 95 percent more in the U.S. than in Asia?

      Jai Kumar, MD, Brian Nohomovich, DO, PhD and Leonid Shamban, DO | Meds
    • How conflicts of interest are eroding trust in U.S. health agencies [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • What’s driving medical students away from primary care?

      ​​Vineeth Amba, MPH, Archita Goyal, and Wayne Altman, MD | Education
    • Make cognitive testing as routine as a blood pressure check

      Joshua Baker and James Jackson, PsyD | Conditions
    • The hidden bias in how we treat chronic pain

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • A faster path to becoming a doctor is possible—here’s how

      Ankit Jain | Education
    • Residency as rehearsal: the new pediatric hospitalist fellowship requirement scam

      Anonymous | Physician
    • The broken health care system doesn’t have to break you

      Jessie Mahoney, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • How conflicts of interest are eroding trust in U.S. health agencies [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why young doctors in South Korea feel broken before they even begin

      Anonymous | Education
    • Measles is back: Why vaccination is more vital than ever

      American College of Physicians | Conditions
    • When errors of nature are treated as medical negligence

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • Physician job change: Navigating your 457 plan and avoiding tax traps [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The hidden chains holding doctors back

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The silent toll of ICE raids on U.S. patient care

      Carlin Lockwood | Policy
    • Why recovery after illness demands dignity, not suspicion

      Trisza Leann Ray, DO | Physician
    • Addressing the physician shortage: How AI can help, not replace

      Amelia Mercado | Tech
    • Why medical students are trading empathy for publications

      Vijay Rajput, MD | Education
    • Why does rifaximin cost 95 percent more in the U.S. than in Asia?

      Jai Kumar, MD, Brian Nohomovich, DO, PhD and Leonid Shamban, DO | Meds
    • How conflicts of interest are eroding trust in U.S. health agencies [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • What’s driving medical students away from primary care?

      ​​Vineeth Amba, MPH, Archita Goyal, and Wayne Altman, MD | Education
    • Make cognitive testing as routine as a blood pressure check

      Joshua Baker and James Jackson, PsyD | Conditions
    • The hidden bias in how we treat chronic pain

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • A faster path to becoming a doctor is possible—here’s how

      Ankit Jain | Education
    • Residency as rehearsal: the new pediatric hospitalist fellowship requirement scam

      Anonymous | Physician
    • The broken health care system doesn’t have to break you

      Jessie Mahoney, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • How conflicts of interest are eroding trust in U.S. health agencies [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why young doctors in South Korea feel broken before they even begin

      Anonymous | Education
    • Measles is back: Why vaccination is more vital than ever

      American College of Physicians | Conditions
    • When errors of nature are treated as medical negligence

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • Physician job change: Navigating your 457 plan and avoiding tax traps [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The hidden chains holding doctors back

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...