Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

I keep going because I miss them. And I miss me.

Nicole M. King, MD
Physician
January 26, 2021
Share
Tweet
Share

I have written a lot about how COVID has changed me. Changed medicine. Changed America.  I have written about it as a pivot point.  A way to build a better medical infrastructure.  I have alluded to how we can use innovation, advocacy, and listening to turn 2020 into an opportunity for change.  How we can use it as a way to finally admit that health disparities exist, Black Lives Matter, and that, in fact, Black Births Matter.  It’s now.  Or it’s never.  Because if we can’t see the way forward after consistently looking back until we ran into ourselves in 2020, then what exactly is it that we are waiting for?

But I have to admit that as we entered 2021 with more than 400,000 COVID deaths behind us, variant strains threatening to outpace our misexecuted and mismanaged vaccination roll-out, and an insurrection that caused this veteran to lose her faith in the country she once swore to support and defend, I was despondent.

I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel everyone kept referring to.  I couldn’t see the hope they saw in the beauty of the inauguration.  I couldn’t see past the next COVID death and grief-stricken family member.  I couldn’t get past 2020.  But I could not figure out why I couldn’t.

And then I realized it. I miss them.

“Them” being:

My patients making recoveries.

Their families standing close, holding my hand, hugging me, touching my shoulder as I talk to them about their critically ill loved one.

My colleagues who I can see outside the confines of the hospital.  With a drink or two to help soften the edges of our work.

My husband who raises our babies and works from home, alone in a house for 10 months.

My family.  The family that raised me.  The family that made me.  Blood or not.

Me.

As a professional woman who most identifies as a physician more than any other title, I know that I run the risk of losing myself to this disease.  I am not ignorant to the risk.  I understand that my identity is supposed to be separate from my achievements and that my babies are supposed to make me value something greater than my career.  But my oath runs through me in a way that I can only describe as visceral.  And for this reason, the pain is that much worse.  Because as much as I miss them.  And as much as I miss me.  I can’t not keep going.  Because they deserve the best we have to offer.  And those of us who have stood here on the front lines for over 10 months know more than anyone else, that if we don’t do it, then who will?

So I drag the lessons I learned in 2020 into 2021, and I balm the wounds of “missing” with the act of doing.  The act of trying to heal.  The act of caring.  The act of looking in a family member’s eyes and telling them that I know the pain of this disease.  The viciousness of it.  The horror of it.  I know that you will miss them.  And I will miss them too because I could not save them yet again.  But I will keep showing up.  I will keep trying.  I will keep loving them and loving you because by loving you, I can ease the pain of missing them.

Nicole M. King is an anesthesiologist.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

ADVERTISEMENT

Prev

A medical student’s story of racism and bias [PODCAST]

January 25, 2021 Kevin 0
…
Next

Is my headache coming from my soul?

January 26, 2021 Kevin 1
…

Tagged as: COVID, Infectious Disease

Post navigation

< Previous Post
A medical student’s story of racism and bias [PODCAST]
Next Post >
Is my headache coming from my soul?

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Nicole M. King, MD

  • Adriana Smith’s story: a medical tragedy under heartbeat laws

    Nicole M. King, MD
  • How medicine is evolving: Bridging generational divides in the profession

    Nicole M. King, MD
  • Navigating COVID: a journey from academic intensity to healing

    Nicole M. King, MD

Related Posts

  • Physician Suicide Awareness Day: Where are the patients? 

    Jennifer M. Sweeney
  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD
  • How COVID-19 will close pediatric practices

    Nidhi Kukreja, MD
  • This physician is burned out. But not for the reason you think.

    Anonymous
  • The black physician’s burden

    Naomi Tweyo Nkinsi
  • Can the Maternal CARE Act fail moms? 

    Sonal Patel, MD

More in Physician

  • How to handle chronically late patients in your medical practice

    Neil Baum, MD
  • How early meetings and after-hours events penalize physician-mothers

    Samira Jeimy, MD, PhD and Menaka Pai, MD
  • Why medicine must evolve to support modern physicians

    Ryan Nadelson, MD
  • Why listening to parents’ intuition can save lives in pediatric care

    Tokunbo Akande, MD, MPH
  • Finding balance and meaning in medical practice: a holistic approach to professional fulfillment

    Dr. Saad S. Alshohaib
  • How regulatory overreach is destroying innovation in U.S. health care

    Kayvan Haddadan, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • Why timing, not surgery, determines patient survival

      Michael Karch, MD | Conditions
    • Why health care leaders fail at execution—and how to fix it

      Dave Cummings, RN | Policy
    • How digital tools are reshaping the doctor-patient relationship

      Vineet Vishwanath | Tech
  • Past 6 Months

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • The hidden health risks in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act

      Trevor Lyford, MPH | Policy
  • Recent Posts

    • Why point-of-care ultrasound belongs in every emergency department triage [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why PSA levels alone shouldn’t define your prostate cancer risk

      Martina Ambardjieva, MD, PhD | Conditions
    • How to handle chronically late patients in your medical practice

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • Reframing chronic pain and dignity: What a pain clinic teaches us about MAiD and chronic suffering

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Conditions
    • How early meetings and after-hours events penalize physician-mothers

      Samira Jeimy, MD, PhD and Menaka Pai, MD | Physician
    • Why medicine must evolve to support modern physicians

      Ryan Nadelson, MD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • Why timing, not surgery, determines patient survival

      Michael Karch, MD | Conditions
    • Why health care leaders fail at execution—and how to fix it

      Dave Cummings, RN | Policy
    • How digital tools are reshaping the doctor-patient relationship

      Vineet Vishwanath | Tech
  • Past 6 Months

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • The hidden health risks in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act

      Trevor Lyford, MPH | Policy
  • Recent Posts

    • Why point-of-care ultrasound belongs in every emergency department triage [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why PSA levels alone shouldn’t define your prostate cancer risk

      Martina Ambardjieva, MD, PhD | Conditions
    • How to handle chronically late patients in your medical practice

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • Reframing chronic pain and dignity: What a pain clinic teaches us about MAiD and chronic suffering

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Conditions
    • How early meetings and after-hours events penalize physician-mothers

      Samira Jeimy, MD, PhD and Menaka Pai, MD | Physician
    • Why medicine must evolve to support modern physicians

      Ryan Nadelson, MD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...