I recently came across an ongoing “discussion,” or rather aggressive bantering, in an online physician platform regarding the old guard versus the alleged newer, more entitled, and lazy generation of doctors. Years ago, I would have more staunchly fallen on the side of the old guard. Though I am a solid elder millennial, my “bootstrap” upbringing and Navy career fully encouraged the concept of medicine as a calling vice a …
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Springtime. Blooming trees. Green grass. Cool winds. Sunny skies. COVID.
That is where my mind wanders every year since 2020, when the season turns. I flash back to the drive between the hospital and my home. Every evening after fighting a losing battle at an academic institution hell-bent on ignoring and downplaying the horror that was about to breach our borders. I was a fighter then — maybe more in that …
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Those who know me well and even those who don’t are aware of my passion and commitment to the Kansas City Chiefs. As an avid fan who was born and raised in KC, I can assure everyone that there were many dark years and even decades prior to the current situation that have allowed us to live on high for the past few years. Football has been an outlet for …
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As a physician, I am given both the gift and the burden of another’s most intimate moments or even their indiscretions. There is a cloak of invisibility that wraps around a patient and me when behind a closed door. Almost as if the concept of guilt, innocence, opportunity, loss, life, and death are all present together with us in a room, while the rest of the world goes on outside. …
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There is a phenomenon sweeping across various medical circles on social media that is forcing people to address accusations from those who were not on the front lines of COVID at the beginning of the pandemic. Though I have refused to pay much attention to the details, I have become more and more enraged at the audacity and frank ignorance that it takes to judge when not in the arena. …
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Last week I walked past him sitting outside of the OR. It was morning, before all of the first start cases, but he had been there all night. I already knew this. Two back-to-back transplants overnight. He, a surgical fellow, me, a critical care anesthesiologist who was a surgical resident over a decade ago. I could see the circles under his eyes that seemed to take up over half of …
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I have recently undergone (yet another) transition and am now back to living at home with my family full time instead of in an apartment half of the time. So wonderful most of the time … I think.
It is amazing and a very big wake-up call that I missed many of my children’s lives. And that those two years I will never get back, but it’s also just so hard …
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This morning I had a migraine. I should have known it was coming. I now have complex migraines and was having word-finding difficulty yesterday, which is a harbinger for me. How could I have known that my soul had known before my mind had, that it had known we were about to rip away a standing protection for half of the U.S. population and dress it up as a state’s …
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So here I am. I just finished updating my CV so I can apply for associate professor this fall.
And I hadn’t touched it since last year. It needed a lot of work.
I look at this, and I think, “Wow.”
And then I also think: What about all the “stuff” that’s not on there?
The difficult pregnancies.
My son’s struggles his first 36 months of life.
My husband’s year-long deployment as a new mother of …
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I spent the past year and a half of this pandemic getting a degree in quality, safety, and leadership. Though there were days, nights, and weeks where I simply did not know how I could finish the work or go on, I never realized how much I needed the work to help me process what is happening around us. To help me navigate my rage at the state of our …
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I’ve faced this disease since it arrived. I flew into the storm in order to face it head-on, leaving behind my family and a hospital filled with denial and petulant resistance to the horror that was to come. While in New York, I worked alongside men and women who were working at the edge of their capabilities in a heroic and inspiring way. I watched what can happen when a …
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A year ago, I started writing. I wrote to process what I had seen and done and to prepare for what I knew was to come. It was inevitable. Humans would return to their normal activities, and despite mine and so many others’ advice, would do so without utilizing mitigating behaviors or respect for others. We knew it was coming, and it did. The summer surge, followed by the darkest …
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So many of us keep looking around and thinking, what now? Meaning now that “it’s” over, what is next. Are we supposed to go back to that life from before? Is that what is happening? Isn’t that what we are seeing on social media and in the lay press. The return to normalcy. The “freedom” to get our lives back. The right to our liberties and pursuit of happiness.
But what …
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This topic always takes me back. To the time my life stopped and flipped upside down. I never understood how people could drop to their knees in public and have a moment of agony or grief. I guess the pain I had felt up to that moment was not strong enough to knock me to my knees. But that day … it was enough.
The repeated missed phone calls. The wailing …
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I have written a lot about how COVID has changed me. Changed medicine. Changed America. I have written about it as a pivot point. A way to build a better medical infrastructure. I have alluded to how we can use innovation, advocacy, and listening to turn 2020 into an opportunity for change. How we can use it as a way to finally admit that health disparities exist, Black Lives Matter, …
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Over the last seven months, the state of medicine, as we have known it in the United States, has been found out. Disjointed, disheartened, and failing. For every ounce of energy we have put into patient safety, quality improvement, and preventing medical errors over the past 20 years, we have simultaneously drained the soul from medicine by turning our work into a commodity, with a price attached to every action …
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A few months ago, I signed up for a virtual conference for women in medicine. It’s a group of women, over 10,000 of us, who have watched me and supported me through the past two years of my career. Two years of struggle. Two years of personal and professional pain. Two years of opportunity for growth, and two years of numerous setbacks that were only overcome with all of their …
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