Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Repressed memories of a tragic ICU assignment

Debbie Moore-Black, RN
Conditions
October 26, 2021
Share
Tweet
Share

Sometimes, the most traumatic events happened when I was young and new and just starting my ICU career. When you least expect it, those repressed memories come glaring at you.

Thinking I had tucked this tragedy away forever, and then within a flash — 25 years later, I see that little four-year-old boy, holding his daddy’s hand.

Watching doctors and nurses work on his mommy.

This mother. This wife.

After countless code blues, her final moments were asynchronous breathing with the ventilator. We called it “guppy breathing.”

We watched through the patient’s window as the intensivist explained to the patient’s husband: “I’m sorry. We’ve done everything. Her organs have shut down. There’s nothing more we can do.”

Her husband came into her ICU room and gave a final kiss to his wife.

Little Benny, at four years old, knew his mommy was sick. His cheeks turned red. He cried out: “Mommy, mommy,” as he watched his mommy slip away — forever.

My first assignment in this 24 bed ICU was this 32-year-old female who had pre-eclampsia. During her pregnancy, her pre-eclampsia seemed well under control …. until the emergency C-section.

After delivering her 6-pound, 12-ounce baby girl, she was rushed to the ICU.

Eclampsia. Severe hypertension. 210/112. O2 sats dropping. Patient intubated stat. Central line and arterial line placed. Nipride drip started.

Erratic seizure activity. Kidney failure. All systems down.

It was my first week in this very large ICU. I was still in orientation.

There was nothing that could prepare me for this assignment.

ADVERTISEMENT

This patient was internally hemorrhaging. BP out of control. Kidneys shut down. Liver failure.

We gave RBCs and platelets, one after the other.

This was a 2:1 assignment.

Relentless.

The intensivist stayed at her side. Screaming out whatever lifesaving measures we could provide.

But short of a miracle, nothing was going to work.

I always wondered what happened to that little boy.

That image.

Of him holding his daddy’s hand as they both stared through the ICU window.

A mommy lost forever.

A little baby girl never ever knowing her real mommy.

And a husband. Now left with his four-year-old son and newborn baby girl.

Repressed memories.

Sometimes come back to life.

Maybe when you’re strong enough to handle them emotionally.

But that image.

That little boy with his cap on his head and holding his daddy’s hand.

Debbie Moore-Black is a nurse who blogs at Do Not Resuscitate.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Carry on, my weary one: Persevering in the aftermath [PODCAST]

October 25, 2021 Kevin 0
…
Next

Protein calorie malnutrition is devastating for patients

October 26, 2021 Kevin 1
…

Tagged as: Critical Care

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Carry on, my weary one: Persevering in the aftermath [PODCAST]
Next Post >
Protein calorie malnutrition is devastating for patients

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Debbie Moore-Black, RN

  • What money can’t fix: the scars left by a friend

    Debbie Moore-Black, RN
  • A retired ICU nurse’s brunch conversation sparks a life-changing moment

    Debbie Moore-Black, RN
  • Wisdom for new nurses: lessons from a 30-year ICU veteran

    Debbie Moore-Black, RN

Related Posts

  • Millions of Americans without ICU doctors due to the “Biden ban”

    Seth Rabinowitz
  • Understanding critical care in the ICU: then and now [PODCAST]

    The Podcast by KevinMD
  • Death in the cardiac ICU

    Adela Wu
  • Tragic optimism in the time of COVID-19

    Alexa Mason
  • A medical student’s first day. The memories last forever.

    Sandra Hartasanchez, MD
  • Qualifying conditions for medical marijuana

    Patricia Frye

More in Conditions

  • Why PSA levels alone shouldn’t define your prostate cancer risk

    Martina Ambardjieva, MD, PhD
  • Reframing chronic pain and dignity: What a pain clinic teaches us about MAiD and chronic suffering

    Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD
  • America’s ER crisis: Why the system is collapsing from within

    Kristen Cline, BSN, RN
  • Why timing, not surgery, determines patient survival

    Michael Karch, MD
  • Why psychotherapy works and why psychotherapy fails

    Peggy A. Rothbaum, PhD
  • How oral health silently affects your heart, brain, and body

    Charles Reinertsen, DMD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • Why timing, not surgery, determines patient survival

      Michael Karch, MD | Conditions
    • Why health care leaders fail at execution—and how to fix it

      Dave Cummings, RN | Policy
    • How digital tools are reshaping the doctor-patient relationship

      Vineet Vishwanath | Tech
  • Past 6 Months

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • The hidden health risks in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act

      Trevor Lyford, MPH | Policy
  • Recent Posts

    • Why point-of-care ultrasound belongs in every emergency department triage [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why PSA levels alone shouldn’t define your prostate cancer risk

      Martina Ambardjieva, MD, PhD | Conditions
    • How to handle chronically late patients in your medical practice

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • Reframing chronic pain and dignity: What a pain clinic teaches us about MAiD and chronic suffering

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Conditions
    • How early meetings and after-hours events penalize physician-mothers

      Samira Jeimy, MD, PhD and Menaka Pai, MD | Physician
    • Why medicine must evolve to support modern physicians

      Ryan Nadelson, MD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • Why timing, not surgery, determines patient survival

      Michael Karch, MD | Conditions
    • Why health care leaders fail at execution—and how to fix it

      Dave Cummings, RN | Policy
    • How digital tools are reshaping the doctor-patient relationship

      Vineet Vishwanath | Tech
  • Past 6 Months

    • Forced voicemail and diagnosis codes are endangering patient access to medications

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Meds
    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • The One Big Beautiful Bill and the fragile heart of rural health care

      Holland Haynie, MD | Policy
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • The hidden health risks in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act

      Trevor Lyford, MPH | Policy
  • Recent Posts

    • Why point-of-care ultrasound belongs in every emergency department triage [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why PSA levels alone shouldn’t define your prostate cancer risk

      Martina Ambardjieva, MD, PhD | Conditions
    • How to handle chronically late patients in your medical practice

      Neil Baum, MD | Physician
    • Reframing chronic pain and dignity: What a pain clinic teaches us about MAiD and chronic suffering

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Conditions
    • How early meetings and after-hours events penalize physician-mothers

      Samira Jeimy, MD, PhD and Menaka Pai, MD | Physician
    • Why medicine must evolve to support modern physicians

      Ryan Nadelson, MD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...