April 23, 2025, is Administrative Professionals Day!

Administrators, especially in health care, are a rapidly growing demographic who believe they are unsung heroes deserving of recognition. In an attempt to remedy this situation, I submit for your consideration the following song, to the tune of 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall:

One administrator is all, he runs the hospital.
Let’s open the door, and welcome one more,
So he can have a pal.

Two administrators are all, but now they ask for more.
They open the door and hire some more,
And now we’re up to four.

Four administrators are all, they’re throwing ’round their weight.
They upgrade the door and hire some more,
And now we’re up to eight.

Eight administrators are all, they’re getting fat and mean.
They break down the door and hire some more,
And now we’ve got sixteen.

Sixteen administrators are all, with nothing much to do.
They fix up the door and hire some more,
And now it’s thirty-two.

Thirty-two administrators, they’re growing more and more.
They add a new door and hire some more,
And now it’s sixty-four.

Sixty-four administrators—we see they’ve sealed our fate.
They go on a fling—with a new admin wing,
For one hundred and twenty-eight.

In sixty-two more verses, they grow for all they’re worth.
By then, the mass of admins
Will equal the mass of the Earth.

So never give them water, or feed them after dark.
Or they will grow, before you know,
To numbers gross and stark.

Alfred J. Padilla is an endocrinologist.