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A surgeon’s kids FaceTime him from their iPads while he is in the operating room, and he cannot pick up. Alyssa Kressel, a strategic communications professional, has spent more than fifteen years alongside her husband’s surgical training. This episode is based on her article “What the children of physicians carry,” published on KevinMD. You will hear why the usual advice about adjusting hours does not fit a transplant schedule, and why she puts the weight on the time he is home. She talks about the doctors’ wives and surgeons’ wives groups that offered solidarity when nobody had a fix, about the resentment she is still working through, and about the bracelets she braided from old scrubs that grew into a stuffed animal with a pocket for notes. She also says what she wishes his residency had offered the people waiting at home. If you are in a health care family, or you train the people in one, this conversation names what the kids carry and what one family built to help them hold it.

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Transcript

Kevin Pho: Hi, and welcome to the show. Subscribe at KevinMD.com/podcast. Today, we welcome Alyssa Kressel. She’s a strategic communications professional. Today’s KevinMD article is “What the children of physicians carry.” Alyssa, welcome to the show.

Alyssa Kressel: Thank you so much for having me.

Kevin Pho: All right. So let’s start by briefly sharing your story, and then talking about why you decided to share this particular article on KevinMD.

Alyssa Kressel: Of course. So as you mentioned, I work in corporate communications by day, but in my personal life I’ve been married to a physician for 10 years and have been with him on his whole medical training journey for 15-plus years. So medicine is very much a part of my day-to-day life. We have two young children, and one of the things that we’ve really focused on is how to navigate them missing him when he’s working long hours and overnight shifts and things of that sort.

Kevin Pho: What kind of physician is your husband?

Alyssa Kressel: He’s a surgeon. He’s a transplant surgeon, and there’s been a lot of training that went into that.

Kevin Pho: All right. So why did you decide it was important to share this particular article on KevinMD? And then talk about the article itself, for those who didn’t get a chance to read it.

Alyssa Kressel: Of course. So I’ve always been a writer at heart. I’ve been doing more writing lately to really express my feelings and emotions, and I wanted to write an article about how kids could cope with missing their health care parent. I’ve been really involved in a lot of the social media groups for Lives of Doctor Wives and surgeon wives groups. Those have really been great spaces to connect with others, but I felt it was important to share this article to KevinMD to reach a broader clinician audience as well.

One of the things that I’ve been working on in my personal life now has been creating my own solution to this problem of kids missing their health care parent. So I’ve actually worked on developing a stuffed animal, or a comfort companion, called Scrub Hug. And as I’ve been working on that side business, I’ve really felt the need to again express my feelings and emotions about this and share this as another resource with others in the field.

Kevin Pho: So tell us a couple of stories. Your husband, as you mentioned, is a transplant surgeon, so I would only guess that he’s obviously operating a lot, with a fairly unpredictable schedule as to when these procedures are being scheduled. Give us a sense of that effect on your children. Just paint us a picture.

Alyssa Kressel: Yeah. So first and foremost, I want to say that my husband is the most amazing father ever. The kids are so proud of him, and when he plays with the kids, they love every moment they have with him. As they’ve gotten to different ages, they understand that he’s helping people, and they are proud of him and miss him. But I think two things can be true, and that doesn’t take away from the fact that they really have a hard time when they just want to speak to Daddy sometimes and he’s in the operating room, and they’re trying to FaceTime him from their iPads. Again, he’s great with picking up when he can, but obviously in the middle of an operation he can’t do that.

So it’s been tough having to teach the kids, again, at different ages. We’ve been trying different techniques for how they could stay in touch with him, like reading a book over FaceTime before going to bed. My husband, even when they were really little, used to come in on the webcam, which sounds creepy now, and play a song to surprise them. And there have been other things, like writing letters or pictures. I’m a little bit artsy, so I’ve made up my own ways to make them feel connected. I’ve cut scrubs to braid little bracelets that the kids would wear, and that’s really what led me to making a little stuffed animal for my daughter. She has the original prototype, which is not pretty by any means, but she feels really attached to it.

I was even asking her this morning, when I told her I was going to be doing this podcast, why she likes Scrub Hug. And she was saying it’s really because she’s able to just hold him when she misses Daddy. And I said, “Are you proud of Daddy? Do you know what Daddy’s doing?” She said, “Yeah. I’m proud of Daddy, but sometimes I miss him,” which really just sums it up. I mean, if I could do the smallest thing to help my kids get through those moments, it’s worth it.

Kevin Pho: So as you know, with this podcast and on KevinMD, we talk about that concept of work-life balance, right? And that’s certainly evolved since we first started this podcast. Now, as a transplant surgeon, is there any flexibility to adjust hours, the typical recommendations that we normally make to other physicians to offer the best of both worlds?

Alyssa Kressel: I think the biggest thing, and what I’ve been trying to focus on more and find, is that the hours are the hours, but it’s about taking advantage of the time that he is home, and really having that dedicated time. I’d say even my husband and I did long distance when he was in medical school, and even though that was challenging, when we did get the small amount of time together over the weekends, like when I would visit once a month maybe, it was dedicated time together. So I think it’s really just taking advantage of the time we do have.

I would also say, for those who are earlier on in their medical training journey, there definitely were times throughout his career when he made choices that at that point in time felt like, oh gosh, we’re going to do another three years of training, or we’re going to add another this and that. But he’s made choices that really helped us have more family time. Like during his general surgery residency, he added on another three years to do research, which at the time, again, seemed like a lot. But he really had a 9:00 to 5:00 job at that point, and we were able to start a family, and in retrospect, I’m really grateful that he was able to do that while adding a PhD to his title and adding more credentials.

Kevin Pho: So you mentioned earlier that you found your way onto these physician spouse Facebook groups. So what led you there? And once you were there, what did you find?

Alyssa Kressel: Yeah, so I wish I would have gotten there much earlier. Honestly, I think during training, I didn’t find that there was much support for spouses at all. I think that some programs maybe are luckier than others and have family and spouse groups. Unfortunately, where my husband was training, there was really no support for me. So I honestly don’t even know how I found out about them for the first time. But Lives of Doctor Wives, there’s a bunch of different ones, and Lives of Doctor Wives’ Kids. And that was really helpful for me.

But then when I found the Surgery Wives one, for anyone listening who is married to a surgeon, it’s a smaller group, but it’s really been incredible. I probably found it about eight years ago, probably when my son was born. And the community is just really supportive and understands exactly what you’re going through. It isn’t a judgmental community, and a lot of what they’ve offered, and I wrote this in my essay, is solidarity when sometimes that’s all they could offer. And it’s really just been helpful to find a space to feel seen and heard.

I know that, again, some programs have things. I know there are also different alliances elsewhere. But for me, being on social media, you don’t have to worry about geographic proximity, and you can be a little bit more open and just find other people who are there and can support you.

Kevin Pho: Now, for those who aren’t privy to those groups, you drew the distinction between spouses of physicians versus spouses of surgeons. Just give us an example of some of the differences between the two, and the differences in the lives between the two.

Alyssa Kressel: Yeah. So I only know the surgery life, but I can say, even from what I’ve seen through med school and just watching friends of friends, it seems as though some specialties might have more flexibility, or that they’re able to avoid the full on-call lifestyle. And maybe even the amount of years of training that goes into it is different. So I think that, again, I still get a lot out of some of the Lives of Doctor Wives groups. But in the Surgery Wives group, it’s really a lot of people dealing with that long-lasting training, dealing with this concept of waiting for things to get better, which is something that’s always talked about. People talk about it as, it gets different, not it gets better, because things really just change.

And I think that’s something I am still trying to understand and haven’t really fully had the tools to grasp, or to be prepared to grasp. Because once my husband finally finished fellowship and became an attending, it’s still like you’re putting so much pressure on that moment to finally get there. And once you get there, there are just new challenges that you need to overcome as a family.

And I know I’m also talking about this from the side of the spouse, and I just want to say that one thing I’ve really been focused on more recently is, again, this concept of two things can be true, and understanding that it must be incredibly hard, and you can tell me better. It must be incredibly hard for the physician themselves and for the surgeon themselves, but that doesn’t take away from what the family is also struggling with, and the children, and things of that sort.

Kevin Pho: You mentioned that as your husband was undergoing training, there weren’t any support groups for significant others and spouses. Now, for those residency programs who may be listening to you, what would you have liked to have seen?

Alyssa Kressel: Oh, I would have loved that. I think there was a barbecue that I went to at the start of residency, and that was the first time I saw people, and then the next time I saw people was eight years later at graduation. And I just feel like I could have benefited from, now with technology especially, even if it was a monthly Zoom, things like that.

One of my virtual friends who I’ve gotten to know through the Surgeon Wives Facebook group and other things actually runs a group called The Flipside Life, that you might be familiar with. She is a social worker, and she runs these sessions. They’re not official therapy sessions, but it’s similar to that, where people come together and can really just talk. And that’s the kind of thing that I would have loved, just to have some kind of moment to come together, or even if it was just an email exchange or something. Which I think, again, people can do on their own. I’m not saying it’s all on the hospital.

Another thing that I’ve been trying to do over the years is also talk to the different medical associations and societies. Many of our spouses go to conferences and things of that sort. I think some have moments for us to connect, but it would be nice to see more of those kinds of intentional moments for coffee chats or a lunch or a breakfast to bring those people together. Because I think the better that we are feeling, the better we can support our physician spouse.

Kevin Pho: Now, give us an example of a challenge your family had to overcome, and just tell us how you as a family overcame those challenges.

Alyssa Kressel: Yeah, I think fellowship was a pretty challenging time for us. During transplant fellowship, my husband got to travel all over to go get organs, and I guess it’s not procure. I’m forgetting the official term now. But we actually moved to live closer to the hospital where his fellowship was, just so that we could, again, maximize the time when he was home and really spend time with him. That was a challenging decision and a challenging moment, to pick up and rent out our house and move. But I think it was the right decision for us, to be able to be there and take advantage of those moments when we were together.

And I would say that fellowship is also an example where I took it upon myself to connect with the other fellows’ partners, which was helpful in some ways. Sometimes it’s a little too close for comfort when it’s the people that they’re training alongside. But I’ve always found, just as a people person, that it’s helpful to, again, connect with other people who know what you’re going through.

Kevin Pho: Now, knowing what you know now, if you had to replay your early years again, is there anything that you would have done differently?

Alyssa Kressel: Yeah, I think there’s a lot that I would do differently, and I think honestly, I’m learning a lot really over the past few weeks, past few months even. I think there are always going to be ups and downs, and I think the point about embracing the moments when we could be together is really just increasingly important.

Also, I think the concept of resentment is something that I’m really coming to terms with more. I think that it’s hard when you are going through this amount of training. Even if you don’t want to be resentful, there’s just this kind of pain associated with the additional responsibilities that you feel like you’re taking on, or things like that. And I wish, going back, that I could show more of the teamwork approach with my husband on this, because I cannot imagine what he has to go through on a daily basis, dealing with the kind of patients that he’s helping to save, or patients who unfortunately have passed away and things like that.

And I really just want to be the best partner that I can be and the best mom that I can be, to enable him to be the best dad he can be, and I think that, again, it’s hard. Sometimes now, when you write something down and separate yourself from the situation, you can look at it from the outside and see maybe what you would have liked to do differently over the years.

Kevin Pho: Now, for those physician spouses who may be listening to you and may be in a similar situation to where you are now, can you share any pieces of advice with them?

Alyssa Kressel: Yeah, I think the piece of advice is to find a community, whether that’s your friends or your family. I do, again, believe in some of these social media communities, some of these resources, like The Flipside Life podcasts that have come up that are really related to the physician family. There are really helpful things. At the same time, I think it’s helpful not to go down a rabbit hole and have that be the only thing you’re focused on. So I think continuing to, again, enjoy the time with your family and not have this be the primary focus is also good. And I think find what works for you and your family to navigate the challenges that naturally come with being a health care family.

And I think also importantly, don’t forget about the physician themselves, and providing the best kind of support that you can provide. And if you don’t know what that looks like, I think asking your spouse what that looks like for them, so that you can be as supportive as possible.

Kevin Pho: And as you mentioned earlier, you are the founder of Scrub Hug. Tell us a story of how that made a difference in your life.

Alyssa Kressel: Yeah. So right now we just have, again, the little ugly prototype, which I say with love because it’s handmade out of scrubs with sparkly stickers and googly eyes. But it’s being manufactured right now in India, organic cotton. My goal is eventually to provide it to health care families, but also to families receiving care, like children in the hospitals who might not be able to have any kind of toy from home, or a toy that doesn’t have that attention to health, quality, and safety standards.

It’s really helped. My daughter has just felt comfort with this stuffed animal. And I think one thing I didn’t mention that’s really important is that it’s much more than a stuffed animal. The website is live, for those of you who want to look at scrubhug.com. There’s a pocket on it that is intended for notes, so the physician can put a note in for their child. The child can also write a note for their parent’s scrub pocket, or their pocket if they don’t wear scrubs. So those are called connection cards, to keep them together. But there are also comfort cards, which I’ve developed with my cousin, who’s a psychologist, to really help children feel grounded and be able to find mindfulness practices if they’re feeling overwhelmed. So that’s a really exciting part of it that I’m working through now. And honestly, I’ve gotten my own fulfillment out of building this. So I think the kids are benefiting, I’m benefiting, and hopefully other health care families can eventually benefit from this.

Kevin Pho: We’re talking to Alyssa Kressel. She’s a strategic communications professional. Today’s KevinMD article is “What the children of physicians carry.” Alyssa, let’s end with your take-home messages to the KevinMD audience.

Alyssa Kressel: I think, like I just mentioned, medicine is really much more than one person’s profession. I think it has an impact on the whole family. I would encourage the medical field to continue to provide support to families and spouses, and again, I’m happy to have one way of doing that from where I sit. So thank you for having me. I really appreciate it.

Kevin Pho: Alyssa, thank you so much for sharing your story, time, and insight, and thanks again for coming on the show.

Alyssa Kressel: Thank you.