Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

The memories of a nurse’s old car

Debbie Moore-Black, RN
Conditions
July 20, 2021
Share
Tweet
Share

Today. Finally, a day off.

I could oversleep, roll out of bed, then make a pot of coffee — and prepare for a “do nothing” day.

But today is the day.

After dealing with more electrical problems on this 160,000-mile-plus car, I will say goodbye, turn in the keys, and walk away.

This car holds memories: Taking the kids to the beach. Driving to our last trip to the mountains. My best friend’s Miami wedding. Taking our kids back to college.

I’ll say goodbye to the other baggage, too: Watching my now-deceased husband back out of the driveway to anxiously go on another trip out of town to meet with his business partner/lover. Another speech to convince me, “it’s just business.” Another trip to the airport to watch him leave again to England to meet with health care officials to plan health care educational films with her.

And then there are the memories of pictures splashed across social media of the two of them snuggled up in the backseat of a taxi. Memories of the trip he took to Boston to meet his work crew. His business buddies. And her. And then more pictures of them toasting their glasses of wine at a restaurant.

Their smiles flashed before me as I worked my 60-hour week to afford nice clothes for our kids, nice vacations, and college for all three — to finally buy a lovely house and leave behind that dilapidated two-bedroom mobile home.

And then, there was that other trip he couldn’t wait to go on. Only he held onto a dark secret — excruciating abdominal pain. No one knew because he wanted to make that trip to see her. All in the name of “business.”

We all found out later that my husband suffered severe abdominal pain silently until he couldn’t take the pain anymore. We all found out later that he had liver and pancreatic cancer.

I drove him to the hospital over and over again in that car — for appointments to the surgeon, oncologists, pain control physicians, the hospital, and emergency rooms for his two heart attacks. I have the memories of “I’m not having a heart attack. Leave me alone and mind your own business,” to “Would you take me to the hospital … again?” to his funeral.

That trip was his final destination in the mountains. As the wind spread his ashes across the peaks, we all said the last goodbye.

This old car.

I tried to suppress the memories that it carried for me.

But today, I remove the anchor wrapped around my ankle that tried to sink me to the bottom of the ocean.

Today, I leave this car on the lot.

ADVERTISEMENT

Today, I drive away — in a new car.

I open up the windows and breathe again.

Debbie Moore-Black is a nurse who blogs at Do Not Resuscitate.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Hypertension is killing pregnant mothers. Blood pressure monitoring can help. [PODCAST]

July 19, 2021 Kevin 0
…
Next

I learned the most about medicine from my dad's death

July 20, 2021 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: Cardiology

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Hypertension is killing pregnant mothers. Blood pressure monitoring can help. [PODCAST]
Next Post >
I learned the most about medicine from my dad's death

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Debbie Moore-Black, RN

  • What money can’t fix: the scars left by a friend

    Debbie Moore-Black, RN
  • A retired ICU nurse’s brunch conversation sparks a life-changing moment

    Debbie Moore-Black, RN
  • Wisdom for new nurses: lessons from a 30-year ICU veteran

    Debbie Moore-Black, RN

Related Posts

  • A nurse willing to forgive others. And to forgive herself.

    Debbie Moore-Black, RN
  • Registered nurse for president!

    John Green, DHA, RN
  • “You’re making a huge mistake because you’re threatening a nurse.”

    Admin
  • How nurse practitioners can expand abortion access

    Vanessa Shields-Haas, RN
  • Why a nurse should not go to jail

    Barbara L. Olson, RN
  • Nurse practitioners will save primary care

    Leah Hellerstein, LCSW

More in Conditions

  • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

    Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD
  • The emotional first responders of aesthetic medicine

    Sarah White, APRN
  • Why testosterone matters more than you think in women’s health

    Andrea Caamano, MD
  • How veteran health care is being transformed by tech and teamwork

    Deborah Lafer Scher
  • What Elon Musk and Diddy reveal about the price of power

    Osmund Agbo, MD
  • Understanding depression beyond biology: the power of therapy and meaning

    Maire Daugharty, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The hidden health risks in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act

      Trevor Lyford, MPH | Policy
    • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • Why doctors are reclaiming control from burnout culture

      Maureen Gibbons, MD | Physician
    • Why health care leaders fail at execution—and how to fix it

      Dave Cummings, RN | Policy
    • How digital tools are reshaping the doctor-patient relationship

      Vineet Vishwanath | Tech
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • The hidden health risks in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act

      Trevor Lyford, MPH | Policy
    • Why Medicaid cuts should alarm every doctor

      Ilan Shapiro, MD | Policy
  • Recent Posts

    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • Decoding your medical bill: What those charges really mean

      Cheryl Spang | Finance
    • The emotional first responders of aesthetic medicine

      Sarah White, APRN | Conditions
    • Why testosterone matters more than you think in women’s health

      Andrea Caamano, MD | Conditions
    • A mind to guide the machine: Why physicians must help shape artificial intelligence in medicine

      Shanice Spence-Miller, MD | Tech
    • How subjective likability practices undermine Canada’s health workforce recruitment and retention

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

ADVERTISEMENT

  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The hidden health risks in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act

      Trevor Lyford, MPH | Policy
    • How New Mexico became a malpractice lawsuit hotspot

      Patrick Hudson, MD | Physician
    • Why doctors are reclaiming control from burnout culture

      Maureen Gibbons, MD | Physician
    • Why health care leaders fail at execution—and how to fix it

      Dave Cummings, RN | Policy
    • How digital tools are reshaping the doctor-patient relationship

      Vineet Vishwanath | Tech
    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • Why are medical students turning away from primary care? [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • What the world must learn from the life and death of Hind Rajab

      Saba Qaiser, RN | Conditions
    • Why “do no harm” might be harming modern medicine

      Sabooh S. Mubbashar, MD | Physician
    • Here’s what providers really need in a modern EHR

      Laura Kohlhagen, MD, MBA | Tech
    • The hidden health risks in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act

      Trevor Lyford, MPH | Policy
    • Why Medicaid cuts should alarm every doctor

      Ilan Shapiro, MD | Policy
  • Recent Posts

    • How President Biden’s cognitive health shapes political and legal trust

      Muhamad Aly Rifai, MD | Conditions
    • Decoding your medical bill: What those charges really mean

      Cheryl Spang | Finance
    • The emotional first responders of aesthetic medicine

      Sarah White, APRN | Conditions
    • Why testosterone matters more than you think in women’s health

      Andrea Caamano, MD | Conditions
    • A mind to guide the machine: Why physicians must help shape artificial intelligence in medicine

      Shanice Spence-Miller, MD | Tech
    • How subjective likability practices undermine Canada’s health workforce recruitment and retention

      Olumuyiwa Bamgbade, MD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...