As a doctor, I often explain to patients how long recovery is likely to take. We offer timelines because uncertainty is often the hardest symptom to bear.
I know this from the other side too. Four weeks after giving birth, I found myself jogging outside at 11 p.m., with an app counting my steps. I was 12 kilograms heavier than before pregnancy and could barely look at myself in the mirror. At a mother’s group, a friend gave me the best advice I received that year: be kind to your body and give yourself a year. One year later, I weighed less than I had before pregnancy.
But while my body had a timeline for recovery, my confidence did not. I am a UK doctor, and I returned to work after one year of maternity leave. I am working less than full time now. It’s been four weeks, which is seven days on the endocrinology ward, four on-calls on medical take, and one shift in the same-day emergency clinic.
It’s 1:49 a.m. and I should be sleeping. Despite my son’s peaceful breathing near me, I cannot close my eyes. Because as soon as I do, I see the look on the ICU registrar’s face. The look that hurt more than any words ever could. I called her to help with a difficult IV cannulation. I did not manage to restock the tray before she arrived. The cannula went in within a minute. But then I asked to take bloods.
“There is no gauze!”
“This is the wrong vacutainer. If you don’t know how the right one looks, go and ask someone!”
“I need one more syringe.”
“I need more alcohol wipes!”
“Are you going to wait for the blood to clot?”
“I am an ICU registrar. I have no time for this!”
“This is not how it’s done! Did you ask your medical registrar to try first?”
Each sentence was delivered with a look that drove my confidence deeper into the ground. At the end, I apologized. I heard myself say that I had just returned from maternity leave, that I felt slow. She replied: “I just returned from maternity leave too. It’s hard work.” The answer I did not expect. Two women. Two mothers. Two doctors. But each one coping in her own way. And one of us was coping far better than the other. I went to cry in the toilet, and then continued seeing the next patients. I was grateful I did not apply mascara that morning.
There is no recovery guideline for the confidence of a doctor returning from maternity leave. No consultant tells you to be kind to yourself and give it time. I do not know how long it should take to feel fast and sharp again. Or how long I can use the excuse: I just returned from maternity leave. Although I learned that you never know who the recipient of your line will be.
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I gave my body a year to recover. Maybe I should give the same to my confidence. On second thought, one year feels too long. Maybe I will arrange a review in six months.
The author is an anonymous physician.
