Lessons from a pediatrician in conversation with her son

Intro

My son is presently in his second year of internal medicine residency. When he was about to enter medical school, my older son thought it might be interesting for this “about to become a doctor” and his mother, “a long-time doctor,” to have a conversation about the journey. I realize now after transcribing and editing our conversations that this was much more than my life as a pediatrician; it was about a mom (and doctor) perhaps passing the torch of love to her son, the future doctor, who can carry it through on his own path.

1

Son: When did you decide you wanted to become a pediatrician? What made you choose that path?

Mom: That’s a good first question. (laughs) If you know me, you know I laugh a lot, sometimes at the wrong times. For me, it started for a few different reasons. I’ve always loved kids. I taught Sunday school and really enjoyed it. I also loved science. Every kind of science fascinated me, and it seemed to come naturally to me.

There was a moment that really changed everything. I had a friend who was seventeen and riding a motorcycle, maybe he shouldn’t have been on a motorcycle in the first place, but he was and was sideswiped by a car and thrown off. He suffered a serious leg injury and was hospitalized. A group of us went to visit him. My friends went into his room first, and when they came back out they said, “Don’t go in. It’s too upsetting.”

But I went in without hesitation. The first thing I said was, “Show me your injury. I want to see what happened.”

Looking back, that reaction stayed with me. I wasn’t disturbed by seeing the injury. Instead, I was fascinated. I wanted to know what the doctors were planning to do. He told me he needed surgery, and I wanted to understand how they were going to help him.

I had a real lightbulb moment. I realized I wasn’t afraid. I wanted to stay with him, help him, and understand the medicine behind his treatment. It never occurred to me to run out of the room.

That was the moment I thought, “Maybe I’m supposed to become a doctor.” The pediatrician part really came naturally after that. I loved teaching Sunday school; I knew how much joy children brought me. I loved the way they looked at the world, and I thought, “I could be a pediatrician.”

Son: Did you always know it would be pediatrics, or did you ever consider another specialty?

Mom: Pretty much always pediatrics. The only time I briefly considered something else was the neonatal ICU.

Son: Still pediatrics, though.

Mom: Yes. What ultimately kept me from that was how much I enjoyed interacting with children. Newborns are wonderful, but you don’t have conversations with them. As kids grow, you get to know their personalities. You watch them develop, and that relationship was the part I loved most.

Son: The interpersonal side of it.

Mom: Exactly. I realized that if I worked exclusively in the NICU, I’d miss that. I really wanted to care for children as they grew up.

Son: Some people want to explore different specialties.

Mom: I wanted to start at the very beginning.

Son: And you got to start with them from day one instead of inheriting them from another doctor.

Mom: That’s exactly right. Adults already have years of medical history before you meet them. With children, especially newborns, their history becomes your shared history. You experience it together.

Son: You’re literally their doctor from day one.

Mom: Wow, you’re right. I’ve never really thought about it that way before. When you care for a child from the beginning, their story becomes your story with them. I think that’s actually why pediatrics was always the right choice for me. I wanted to be part of a child’s development and their life from the very beginning.

2

Son: Let’s keep going. How did you get your job, and what was that process like?

Mom: That’s actually a good story. I knew I wanted to join a group practice. I didn’t want to go into a specialty because I wanted to follow children throughout their lives and watch them grow and develop. I was looking for opportunities, and at Yale there was a little index card thumbtacked to the residency bulletin board that simply said, “Looking for a pediatrician.” These were the old days; there were no iPhones or Indeed. It was just an index card on a bulletin board.

I thought, “OK, I’m going to call.” The practice was in Greenwich, Connecticut. I didn’t really know Greenwich, but I had loved doing my residency at Yale and wanted to stay in Connecticut. I interviewed, really liked the doctors, and felt it could be a great fit. Then, I never heard back.

Son: I kind of remember you telling me this story.

Mom: I had a pediatric infectious disease attending at Yale, and I told him, “I interviewed with this group, it felt like it went well, but I haven’t heard anything.” He asked, “Which group?” I told him the names of the doctors, and he said, “I know one of them. I did my residency with him.”

He picked up the phone right then and called him. He said, “What’s taking you so long? You need to make a decision and get back to her!” I think life just got busy for them. It wasn’t that they didn’t want me; they were simply taking care of patients. Of course, it was my top priority because it was going to be my first job after completing the residency.

The pediatric infectious disease MD also said, “You’ll be making a big mistake if you don’t hire her right away.” That was such a wonderful thing for him to say. The next thing I knew, I got a phone call offering me the job. They even mentioned what my attending had said (that they’d be fools not to hire me).

I was so excited. I was starting my career in a new community, and I couldn’t wait to begin.

Son: Was Greenwich Hospital affiliated with Yale yet?

Mom: No. It was a small private group of pediatricians at a community hospital. There’s something wonderful about being part of a large medical group, but there was also something really special about joining a small practice. It truly felt like a community.

Son: I was just going to say that. It seems like you were looking for that sense of community. What made you think you would find it in Greenwich?

Mom: It just felt like a town. It’s funny because it’s hard to think of Greenwich as a small town now, but back in the 1980s it really had that feeling. The hospital was beautiful. The nurses were happy. The doctors were happy. Everyone seemed proud of where they worked, and there was such a warm, welcoming atmosphere. I remember thinking, “This is how I want to feel when I choose the place where I’ll spend my career.”

Son: That’s actually something I talk about in my own medical school interviews. If I mention that my mom is a doctor, I always say I got to see firsthand what it means to be part of a community. My classmates were your patients. You weren’t just their doctor; you became someone people knew and trusted.

Mom: I don’t think I could have told you back then that was exactly what I was looking for. But once I experienced it, I realized it was everything I had hoped for.

3

Son: In simple terms, what is a group practice, and what has your experience been working in one?

Mom: I always knew I wanted to be part of a group practice, and I knew exactly why. I wanted other doctors around me, people I could discuss patients and patient care with. I never wanted to be a solo practitioner. I enjoyed talking through cases and getting another opinion, sometimes right there in the office. I’d knock on one of my partners’ doors and say, “Can you take a look at this rash?” Instantly, I had a second opinion.

Sometimes we’d step into another room, away from the patient, and talk through the case together. I loved that collaboration. I knew I didn’t want to practice medicine on my own. I wanted to be surrounded by colleagues I could learn from and share ideas with.

Son: What about working exclusively in a hospital? Did you ever consider that?

Mom: Well, even in a group practice you’re still involved with the hospital. You see newborns and take care of patients in the hospital. I don’t think I would have wanted to work only in the hospital, unless it was in a clinic where I could still do what I loved: well visits, sick visits, and just watching children grow and develop over the years. If I could have done that in a hospital clinic, I would have enjoyed that too.

Son: So being part of a group was really one of your goals.

Mom: Yes. There was support, camaraderie, and collaboration. If I had concerns about a patient, I wanted to be able to walk down the hall and talk to another doctor.

Son: And I’m sure your partners did the same with you.

Mom: Absolutely. We’d ask each other, “How would you handle this case?” or “What do you think about this?” That was the beauty of a group practice.

Son: Like being part of a team.

Mom: Exactly. That’s what made it so special.

4

Son: Can you remember your first day on the job? Your first day as a medical resident? What was that like, and what stands out to you when you think back on it?

Mom: I can. I was at St. Raphael’s Hospital, which was affiliated with Yale, doing a rotation in the pediatric emergency room.

I was an intern, and the other doctor was a third-year resident. True story: He said, “Great, you’re here. I’m going to go back to the on-call room and lie down for a little while. If you need me, just let me know.”

And then he left! I remember thinking, “I need you. You can’t leave!” But I learned something important that day. At some point, your training has to become real. You’ve spent years working towards this time, and then suddenly it’s time to start making decisions on your own.

I got through that first shift. I probably called him once or twice (it was a 12-hour shift), but I also realized something: I wasn’t going to do anything I truly didn’t know how to do. I had more knowledge than I gave myself credit for, and I realized I was ready. It was quite a first day in the pediatric emergency room.

Son: All of a sudden, you’re on your own. You’re a doctor now. I imagine that had to be a little frightening.

Mom: Oh, absolutely. But the fear goes away because you realize someone else is even more afraid than you are: the patient and their family. So you try to put your own fear aside, rely on your training, and do what needs to be done.

Son: What about your first day at Children’s Medical?

Mom: I remember that too. I was thinking I’d probably see some well-child checkups and maybe a few sick visits. A checkup is routine care, and a sick visit might be something like a sore throat or an ear infection. I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect, but I thought, “OK, I can do this.”

Then, pretty early that first day, a child came in after hitting his head. He was vomiting, had a concussion, and needed a CT scan and had to be admitted to the hospital. I remember thinking, “Wow, this is unpredictable.” Residency had prepared me for unpredictable situations, but I guess I thought a small community practice might be a little more routine. It wasn’t.

Son: You probably expected a small group practice in Greenwich to be a little more predictable.

Mom: Exactly. And I didn’t even know who to call yet to arrange the CT scan or the hospital admission. I was happy I knew what needed to be done; I just didn’t know the system yet. Everything turned out fine, but that was my very first day.

Son: Once again, you were kind of thrown right into it.

Mom: I really was. Looking back, both of my first days were like that. But once you get through experiences like those, you realize, “I can do this.” There’s a real confidence that comes from that.

Son: As a follow-up, do you remember meeting anyone particularly memorable during those early days? Maybe one of the doctors in your group?

Mom: Well, I definitely remember the resident who left me alone to go take a nap! (laughs) I don’t remember his name anymore, but I can still picture his face. At Children’s Medical, though, I remember the doctor who started the practice so clearly.

He was my senior partner, and I respected him tremendously. He was almost like a father figure. From the very beginning, he took me under his wing. He wanted me to succeed, and he made it clear that he would always be there to support me.

One thing he did has stayed with me throughout my career. Whenever I had a question about a patient I was evaluating, instead of immediately telling me what he thought the diagnosis was, he would ask, “What do you think it is?” I’d tell him what I thought, and he’d say, “That’s what I think too.” It was such an interesting way to teach. He wasn’t simply giving me the answer; he was helping me discover that I already knew it.

Looking back, I realize he was mentoring me the whole time. He was building my confidence by letting me trust my own judgment.

Son: Which helps you build confidence.

Mom: Exactly. Very much so.

Son: This is so interesting because these are the experiences I have ahead of me. It’s really cool to hear you talk about going through all of those same steps and what you learned from them.

5

Son: We left off talking about how you joined the group practice, your first day on the job, and how everything fell into place. I’d like to move into your many years of practice. Are there particular patients or families that stand out to you? Maybe a memorable challenge or someone you became especially close to?

Mom: Actually, yes. The first family that comes to mind were parents who were both teachers, and I knew them through the community. Their baby was only five weeks old when they brought her into the office because she was having trouble breathing. She looked ill. Her color was off, she was breathing rapidly, and I remember thinking, “This may not sound very medical, but something just isn’t right.”

She needed to be admitted to a hospital with pediatric specialists and an intensive care unit. She was very sick for a while. I think because I already knew the family a little, and because it was such a frightening experience for all of us, we formed an immediate connection. That connection has stayed with us ever since.

She’s probably about eight years old now, and thankfully she ended up having the diagnosis you would hope for. At first, we didn’t know what it was, but it turned out to be a lung condition that you could outgrow, and she did. At the beginning, I was so worried she might have a more serious diagnosis. Seeing her recover was everything you could hope for as a pediatrician. I’ll never forget that family.

Son: What do you think helped you handle that situation? Did already knowing them as teachers make it easier?

Mom: I think it helped that I knew them, but I also think we became much closer during her hospitalization. I couldn’t change the diagnosis, and I wasn’t the pulmonary specialist. I needed the specialists to guide her medical care. But I knew I could be there for the family. I could answer their questions, help them understand what was happening, and walk through whatever the diagnosis turned out to be with them.

Son: Do you remember saying anything that helped them feel like you were all on the same team?

Mom: (becoming emotional) I’m actually crying.

Son: That’s OK.

Mom: I remember telling them, “Whatever the diagnosis is, we’re going to get through this together. I’ll help you in any way that I can.”

Son: That’s wonderful. As kind of a side question, were there any memorable colleagues or specialists you worked with over the years?

Mom: Yes. I had a very special relationship with a pediatric hematologist-oncologist at Yale. The funny part is that I relied on him for years whenever I had questions about pediatric patients with blood disorders or cancers, and we never actually met face to face. We spoke on the phone all the time. We became friends over the phone.

When I was studying for my board exams, I’d even call him to go over practice cases. We’d have so much fun discussing them, and over the years we really got to know each other. One of my favorite memories happened years later. We shared a patient who came to see me one morning for a checkup before seeing him that afternoon.

I said to her, “You know, I’ve never actually met him. I don’t even know what he looks like.” This was around the time cell phones had started taking pictures. So she took a picture of me and showed it to him later that day. Then she took a picture of him and brought it back to show me. It still makes me laugh that we had become such good friends and colleagues without ever meeting in person.

Son: That’s a great story. What do you think made the two of you work so well together? Not every doctor-to-doctor relationship develops that kind of trust.

Mom: I don’t want to generalize, but I think anyone who chooses pediatric hematology-oncology, especially the oncology side of it, has to have an incredible amount of kindness. He certainly did. He was patient with all of my questions. He never rushed me. He took the time to explain things because he genuinely wanted me to understand what was happening with my patients.

He was a teacher. And I always thought that if this was how kind he was to me, then this had to be the same kindness he showed his patients and their families every day.

6

Son: We talked about some of your most memorable moments. How about some of the most difficult challenges you faced, besides the middle-of-the-night calls? (laughs)

Mom: (laughs) Those were definitely tough. Getting up in the middle of the night is never easy, and anyone who says otherwise probably isn’t being honest. But the first thing that comes to mind goes all the way back to my residency in the pediatric ICU. It was losing a child. That was probably the most difficult experience of my career, and nothing else really compares to that.

Son: How did you deal with something like that? I think a lot of people would say they could never work in a field where that’s a possibility, where you have to face that kind of emotional experience. What do you think allows you to keep going after something like that happens?

Mom: I think it’s because, for the most part, pediatrics is such a hopeful field. Children are incredibly resilient. They recover from illnesses that can seem frightening, and most of the time they do very well. Knowing that those heartbreaking circumstances are rare helps.

But when they do happen, they’re overwhelming. You just hope you did everything you could for the child and for the family. I also knew early on that I never wanted to do adult medicine, and I knew I didn’t want to spend my career in the pediatric ICU. During medical school, I did a rotation at a palliative care hospital where people were at the end of their lives.

I remember asking one of the physicians there, “How do you do this every day?” He said something I’ll never forget. “If I made even one day of someone’s life a little better, if I improved their pain and maybe eased their fear, then I’ve done what I’m supposed to do, and I am grateful to have made a difference.” That really stayed with me.

He looked at his work differently than I did. He was there for people during the final days of their lives, and his goal was to make those days as peaceful and comfortable as possible. I have never forgotten him or the way he viewed his work.

Son: That’s amazing.

Mom: I actually think he’s still there. Or maybe it’s his son now; I honestly don’t know. But the family name is still associated with that hospital, and I’ve always remembered that.

Son: As a follow-up, what about difficult patients or families? Not necessarily because of a serious illness, but because the relationship itself was challenging. How did you handle those situations?

Mom: One thing I learned, but it may have taken me a while to learn it, is that when someone is difficult, there may be something else going on in their life. If you stay patient and try not to take it personally, you often begin to understand where it’s coming from. With parents especially, it’s very often fear. They’re worried that something is wrong with their child. Their fear can sometimes come across as frustration or even anger. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re difficult people; it means they’re scared.

Of course, there are difficult people in the world. But many parents are simply trying to do everything they can for their child. Once you work through that together, and their child gets better, and they see that your recommendations helped, the relationship gets better and better. I’ve had families where I remember thinking, “Oh boy, this is going to be a challenge.”

And some of those families ended up becoming my favorite patients. It really can turn around.

Son: That’s really interesting.

Mom: Because you end up understanding each other.

Son: That’s a really cool perspective.

7

Son: What do you consider your greatest achievement in medicine?

Mom: I’d have to say caring for the next generation. I’ve taken care of children who grew up, got married, had children of their own, and then trusted me to care for their children. To me, that’s one of my greatest achievements.

Son: Do you think that means so much because it’s a testament to the trust they have in you? They know firsthand who you are as a doctor, and now they’re placing that same trust in you to care for their own children.

Mom: I hope that’s what it is. Some of them I remember as little kids. One patient recently asked if I remembered them running out of the office when it was time to get a shot. I laughed and said, “Yes, I remember that!” (laughs)

They still think of me as their pediatrician, and now they’re ready to continue that relationship with their own children. There’s something very special about that.

Son: It goes back to what we talked about earlier. You were there from the very beginning. You walked through every stage of their childhood with them, and now they want you to be there for the beginning of their child’s life too.

Mom: That’s exactly right. That feels like a real achievement. And who knows, at this point, maybe someday I’ll even be seeing their grandchildren. Not yet, but it could happen. (laughs)

Son: I think that’s a wonderful achievement because it’s probably not the answer most people would give.

Mom: It really comes back to why I loved being in a pediatric practice. One of my favorite parts of pediatrics has always been becoming part of people’s lives. Of course, I love the medicine, but if you set that aside for a moment, there’s something so meaningful about watching children grow up, seeing how their lives unfold and then maybe even meeting the next generation of their family. That’s life. That’s the beauty of life.

Son: It’s a really unique glimpse into other people’s lives, one that not many people get to experience.

8

Son: This is a fun one. What are some of the most interesting stories you’ve experienced or heard over the years? They don’t have to be the most challenging or the most rewarding, just stories that have really stayed with you during your medical career.

Mom: Hmm, one story immediately comes to mind. I had a patient that I took care of for many years who wanted to become a doctor. She wasn’t sure she was going to get into medical school. She kept wondering, “Were her grades good enough? Was she good enough? Would she ever achieve that dream?”

I remember telling her, “It only takes one. If one medical school accepts you, they’re going to call you a doctor.” Years later, I received a letter from her mother that said, “I just wanted you to know that my daughter is a doctor, and she’ll never forget what you said. It gave her the hope to keep going.”

I was so excited for her because she achieved exactly what she’d hoped for. I was also incredibly grateful that her mother took the time to write that letter. It meant so much to know that something I had said during an ordinary office visit stayed with her all those years. I actually looked her up recently, and she’s doing wonderful things. She’s probably around forty now, so this was a long time ago.

Son: You said exactly the right thing.

Mom: The funny part is, it wasn’t something I’d planned or rehearsed. It was just what came to me in that moment. I simply wanted to tell her, “Don’t give up.” That’s why it’s such a memorable story for me. Hopefully it’s an interesting one for you too.

Son: Very much so. It almost sounds like you became a mentor for her. Do you think mentoring is a part of what you do as a pediatrician? Have you had students shadow you?

Mom: Yes, I have. I’ve had students shadow me who were interested in becoming doctors, and I think seeing someone in the job makes it feel possible, especially for young women. Sometimes they’ll look at me and say, “She is a doctor, so maybe I can be a doctor too.” I’ve actually had several former patients tell me they always imagined becoming a doctor because it looked like I enjoyed being one. And some of them did become doctors.

Son: That’s something you don’t necessarily think about being part of the job. The people you care for don’t just respect what you do; they’re inspired by it. That’s really special.

Mom: It really is. One of the nicest parts is that your relationship with a patient changes over time. You start out caring for them as a child. Then they become teenagers, then young adults, and eventually they come back as parents with children of their own.

It’s funny because when they were kids, I’d always think, “I’m so much older than they are.” Then one day they walk back into the office carrying their own baby, and suddenly it feels like we’re the same age and I tell them that. (laughs) They’ll laugh and say, “I know exactly what you mean.” Of course, I’m still the same number of years older than I always was, but somehow the gap just seems to disappear.

The relationship changes. It becomes much more like two adults sharing the experience of caring for a child.

Son: The relationship almost equalizes.

Mom: Exactly. And that’s one of the really special parts of practicing pediatrics for so many years.

9

Son: Big question: What would you say is the most rewarding part of being a pediatrician?

Mom: It may sound very simple, but it’s just helping and healing. That’s really it. That’s what drew me to medicine in the first place, and it’s still true today.

Son: What do you think is especially rewarding about pediatrics compared to another area of medicine?

Mom: That’s a good question. Children are just so full of joy, and they’re incredibly resilient. So often, the treatments work, they recover, and they go on with their lives. There’s nothing better than seeing that. I think it’s their joy and their resilience that make being a pediatrician so rewarding to me.

Son: I think that’s really special.

Mom: I don’t think there’s much more to say than that.

10

Son: What special knowledge do you think comes from being both a pediatrician and a parent? You can think about it in two ways: What did being a pediatrician teach you as a parent, and how did raising your own children change you as a pediatrician who had already cared for hundreds or thousands of children?

Mom: I think becoming a mom and going through that experience myself enriched who I was as a pediatrician in a way I never expected. I could fully comprehend what parents and new parents were feeling. Before becoming a parent, I always tried to be understanding, but there were things I don’t think I fully grasped. And I almost hesitate to say that because pediatricians don’t have to be parents to be good pediatricians, but for me, it made a tremendous difference.

Suddenly, it all made sense. I understood the uncertainty, the guilt, and the worry that come with being a parent. I understood what it felt like to be responsible for this little person and to question if you were doing everything right. That experience helped me guide parents in a completely different way. I always thought I was an empathetic person and that I understood my job, but becoming a parent took that understanding to a whole new level.

Son: Do you think there are some things you can’t fully understand unless you’ve experienced them yourself?

Mom: Absolutely. I think I became a better pediatrician after becoming a mom.

Son: Can you think of a specific example where you approached something differently because of your own experience as a parent?

Mom: The first thing that comes to mind is when a newborn has a fever. A fever in a newborn is a big deal because we’re concerned about serious infections and sepsis. When that happens, the baby often has to go to the hospital, have blood work, urine samples, a spinal tap, receive antibiotics, and be monitored until all results come back. Before becoming a parent, I always thought, “This must be incredibly frightening for parents.”

But then it happened to you. You were five weeks old and had a fever. You were the newborn who had to be admitted to the hospital, have a spinal tap, blood work, urine sent for testing, and all of those things. Experiencing that myself helped me truly understand what a new parent feels, especially a parent who is already exhausted and suddenly has this overwhelming fear added on top of everything else.

I also realized something else: The procedures weren’t as frightening as I had imagined. I remember thinking, “Oh my goodness, a spinal tap.” But after going through it with you, I thought, “OK. This is scary, but it’s going to be OK.”

Son: Do you think you had more fear for parents before you experienced it with your own child?

Mom: Yes, I do think that’s true.

Son: A reverse question: Did being a pediatrician change the way you approached parenting? Did you have knowledge that helped you as a parent?

Mom: I think I was lucky to have that background. For example, if you had strep throat and I gave you antibiotics, I knew you would get better. Without that medical knowledge, I probably would have worried much more. Or if you weren’t saying as many words as expected at a certain age, or you weren’t walking exactly when someone else thought you should be walking, I knew that was OK. I knew there was a wide range of normal development.

Son: Because you had seen it.

Mom: Exactly. I had seen so many children develop in different ways, so I understood that every child is unique and that they usually catch up in their own time. That knowledge made some things easier for me as a parent.

Son: Were there any ways that your medical background had the opposite effect? Were you more watchful or cautious than other parents because of what you had seen as a pediatrician?

Mom: Yes. Injury was a big one. I had seen so many children get hurt that maybe I became an extra-cautious mother. I would never let you have a trampoline.

Son: I remember that! (laughs) You had seen all the trampoline accidents.

Mom: Exactly. I remember seeing a child carried into the office with a broken leg after a trampoline injury and thinking, “Oh no, this poor child.” Seeing those things made me much more wary about injuries. I was also very careful about poisoning risks. I was extremely on top of where medications were kept, where laundry detergent was stored, and anything else that could be dangerous if a child got into it. I basically had the whole house childproofed.

Son: And all those sharp edges, like the coffee table that you covered?

Mom: Probably all smart things to do. (laughs) Although, looking back, maybe with injuries I was a little more worried than I needed to be.

Son: Interesting. Another great one.

11

Son: What do you think is the most important thing for parents to know as they are becoming new parents?

Mom: Generations of people have been doing this, with a lot less than we have available today.

Son: Why do you think it’s important for new parents to remember that?

Mom: I think when people become parents, they often worry, “Am I going to be a good parent? How am I going to do this? I have no experience.” And I usually say, “Think about every generation before you. They did it, and you can do it too.”

I think a lot of parenting comes down to confidence. If you believe you can do something, you probably can. And of course, I would say, “If you have questions, ask me. That’s what I’m here for. If you’re unsure about something, ask.”

But remember: No one really has formal training to become a parent. There is no license or class you take beforehand. It just happens. You actually get more training to drive a car than you do to become a parent. So you have to trust yourself and have confidence that you can do it.

Son: Why do you think confidence is so important? What happens when a parent doesn’t feel confident?

Mom: I believe a lack of confidence can lead to anxiety about raising a child. And I think having a child is such a wonderful journey. You want to try your best not to let worry and anxiety take away from the beauty of that experience.

Son: And it’s probably not only harder for the parent, but maybe for the child as well?

Mom: Exactly. Studies show that children can sense when their parents are anxious or uncomfortable. They can pick up on those emotions, and sometimes that can even affect their behavior.

Son: That’s really interesting. How do you think parents should approach their relationship with their pediatrician? What should that relationship look like?

Mom: I think that relationship should feel comfortable and open. Parents should feel like they can ask their pediatrician anything and that no question is silly. A lot of parents will say to me, “Maybe this is a stupid question,” and I always tell them, “Absolutely not.” If it’s important to you, then it’s important. You are asking because you need guidance, and that’s what your pediatrician is there for.

Parents should never feel that their doctor is unapproachable. There used to be this old idea that doctors were almost “godlike” (that they could do no wrong or that they knew everything). That’s just not true.

Son: What do you mean by “godlike”?

Mom: The idea that the doctor has all the answers and the parent doesn’t have anything to contribute. But parents have so much to offer. They know their child better than they may realize, and a pediatrician should always respect that. If a parent thinks something is wrong with their child, we have to listen to that. A doctor should never quickly dismiss a parent’s concerns by saying, “Everything is fine.”

If a parent has a gut feeling, that deserves to be respected. It should always be a give-and-take between the parent and the pediatrician. There are times when I can reassure a parent and say, “No, this really is OK. You don’t need to worry about this.” But their feelings should always be acknowledged. You have to respect each other.

Son: It’s a collaborative relationship.

Mom: Yes.

12

Son: The last question that my brother graciously provided us with in our Conversations with My Son series, if you will. This is a question we’ve really touched on throughout this whole conversation: What is the key to raising a successful child? Or, what does it mean to successfully raise a child?

Mom: The first thing that comes to mind is love. If a child feels loved, everything else becomes easier. It really comes down to that love for your child. A pediatrician I once spoke with said something to parents that has always stayed with me: “Your children are not going to be who you think they are going to be. They are who they are.”

If you create a specific plan for who you think your child should become, you will probably end up disappointed. I remember thinking how important that is to remember. Your children are on their own path. Your job is to support them and give them love, and that is what helps them become successful children and successful adults. It sounds simple, but I think it is really the foundation of everything.

Son: I think you’re right. I think that really is the heart of it. That’s the most important thing.

Mom: And I think parents have to let go of the preconceived ideas they may have about what their child’s journey should look like. Maybe it’s what they hoped for their child, or maybe it’s what they wished for themselves, the idea of what a child or an adult should do or become. You have to let that go because it isn’t healthy. I think it’s a difficult thing, and many parents get stuck on a plan.

Son: They have their own vision.

Mom: Exactly. But there is no single plan. Every child is an individual. Remembering that is one of the most important things that can help you become a successful parent.

Son: That’s great advice and a wonderful way to round everything out. I feel like love is at the heart of why you do what you do. All of these questions, in one way or another, come back to that same idea. Nice.

Loretta Cody is a pediatrician.