It took me forever to retire—three years or so. It took so long that my nurses got tired of bringing me purple cakes decorated with whipped cream stethoscopes, but I did it. Now, a few years later, I can tell you that the things I worried about were not the ones that gave me trouble.
I had mostly agonized about money—had we saved enough to last us the rest of our …
The surprising struggles of retirement no one warned you about
As an ER doctor for many years, I recently retired from medicine to write and explore the world. My husband and I sold our lovely lake home and downsized to a three-season cabin in the woods, smaller than a school bus, and got a tiny RV and a place in Thailand. COVID be damned, we froze our assets camping on the Rio Grande, wintered in Corsica, hiked in the Atacama, …
Discover the surprising lessons of being a terrible patient: How it made me a better doctor
If you’re in health care, this is probably your worst winter ever. Between the COVIDs, scarce resources, shutdowns, homeschooling, bureaucracy, hoaxers, and checking the in-laws’ rashes online, you must feel cooked.
You’re frustrated. Your patients die calling COVID a hoax. People refuse to wear masks. So many loved parents die alone. Bureaucrats don’t prioritize people’s lives. Even some of our own sold their soul for fame or money.
You’re tired of being …
A physician’s guide to surviving COVID winter
Somewhere in Wuhan, China, a bat was eaten — and the world as we knew it was over. (Note to self: Never have your bat below medium, and avoid bat tartare like the plague.)
Kids stayed home. So did their parents. They started talking to each other, instead of watching their phones while rushing from soccer games to ballet rehearsals via McDonald’s.
Sports got suspended, and millions of rabid sports fans remembered …
Patients vs. customers during COVID
I’m glad you’re looking at a career in medicine. I hope you will be happy with your choice forever. To help you out, these are a few myths I wish somebody told me about when I was in your shoes.
1. You’ll be rich. You likely won’t. After two decades or so of med school and residency, you’ll be paying back student loans with exorbitant interests for a few more decades …
So you want to be a doctor? Here are 10 myths debunked.
1. Both masks and underwear exist to contain badness. Neither works 100 percent, but they’ll curb the worst of the spill.
2. Don’t borrow someone else’s, no matter how cool they look.
3. Keep them on around strangers, unless you’ve both been tested.
4. Cotton breathes better than polyester.
5. If they don’t fit well, you’ll be chaffing.
6. Wear them both when you visit grandma.
7. They stink at the end of the day. They …
How masks are like your underwear
My friend, the hospitalist, was livid as he came from meeting the administration. “They said doctors cost too much!” he sputtered. “We’re an expense. An expense the hospital can no longer support. We are an expense!”
He turned purple. Nice color. Like a good Bordeaux. I worried about his blood pressure. He can’t have a healthy lifestyle! None of us do. Seven twelves in a string will do a number on your workout routine, …
Something’s rotten in America’s health care
Saying no is hard. Even harder if you happen to be kind. You want to help, to make people smile, you want them to like you. Saying no doesn’t come easy.
We’ve never been taught to say no. Ever since we were toddlers, we’ve been conditioned to say yes. Rolling on the floor in a temper tantrum to express our no was a no-no. People don’t like you if you say …
I roll in my bed, unable to sleep. I listen to BBC talk about the craziness that took over the world, preoccupied with this one question.
What question?
It’s not: “Why, Corona?” For that, I already have more answers than I want.
Scientists say that COVID-19 is an animal virus. It spread to humans from bats or pangolin due to close proximity in a seafood market, much like its older siblings SARS and …
Why toilet paper? A doctor tries to explain.
1. Wash your hands like your life depends on it. Because it does. Not only for Corona, but for the many germs you’ll acquire from touching elevator buttons, doorknobs, or somebody else’s hand. Or the dirtiest thing on earth: money: Everybody handles it, and nobody washes it. Except for the mob. And me, when I forget it in my pockets.
2. Stay home if you’re sick. Same with your children.
3. Disinfect frequently touched …
The idiot’s guide to coronavirus from an emergency physician
An excerpt from Stay Away From My ER, and other fun bits of wisdom.
1. You don’t like to be told what to do. Especially not by arrogant doctors, who act as if they know better, just because they’ve been through a few decades of training!
2. Your …
24 reasons to not vaccinate your kid
I work in the ER. It’s not an easy job. Not glamorous either. At least not as glamorous as my mother-in-law used to think.
Years ago, when I declared I was going into emergency, she looked at me askance. She didn’t ask why. She looked at me with her wise old eyes. “Let me tell you about ER,” she said. “I know all about it. I watch every show.”
She was politely dismissive …
What’s the hardest part of a physician’s job?
I’m an ER doc, and I spent my last two decades in the house of medicine. First, training to become a doctor. Then, trying to be a better doctor. No matter how hard I tried, I’ve never been the “perfect doctor.” I started wondering: what makes one a “perfect doctor”?
The perfect doctor lives in the moment, focusing on the here and now: This patient. This case. This encounter. They devote …
What makes the perfect doctor?
Like all doctors, I’m a lousy patient. My doctor is a lovely man, but going to see him? That’s right there with weighing myself, getting a flu shot and doing my taxes, and behind celebrating Thanksgiving with the in-laws and getting a root canal.
And I’m not the only one. If I had a dollar for every patient who told me they hate doctors (no offense), I’d be long retired.
If you’re …
I’m an ER doc, and proud of it. But I never mention it when I meet new people. Unless someone’s fixing to die, I avoid it like the plague. “I work in a hospital,” I say. “Where in the hospital?” “The ER. How about you?” That’s a topic changer, since most people would rather talk about themselves.
Why not own it, you ask? There’s no shame in being a doctor. It’s not like …
Why this physician never tells anyone she’s a doctor
An excerpt from Mercy.
I love kids.
Pretty kids. Nice kids. Normal kids.
Not this. This is not a kid.
This is thirty pounds of human flesh kept alive by devices. Peg tube, tracheostomy, ventilator. He’s got contractures everywhere. He’s so folded he’d fit in my carry on. Not that I’d want to …
I’m a doctor. And, like most medical professionals, I’m a bad patient.
Two years after my last appointment, I got a CTJ, “Come to Jesus” from my doctor.
I called his office for a form. I needed proof that I don’t have tertiary syphilis. For my Thai visa.
Why tertiary syphilis, as opposed to HIV, cholera, lepers or bubonic plague? I don’t know. That’s the power of bureaucracies. They don’t have to make sense. …
1. Tell us about your loved one: What brings them in? What’s their baseline? What changed today? But don’t speak FOR them, unless they can’t. That gets us worried. That’s what abusers often do.
2. Talk to us about your their code status (what should we do if things turn bad,) and leave us a phone number.
3. Pay attention to them. If things change – if they get worse, if they …
40 pro tips for your loved ones’ ER visits
If you’re sexy, fit and nimble, if you can part your thighs and bend your knees, if you can see your private parts without a mirror, ignore this. Move on. This is not for you.
This is for those with flailing sex-drive and failing abilities whose sex life is a challenge, but they’d like to make their partners happy and have some fun. Maybe your parents or grandparents. This must be an …
Sex in the elderly is not a need. It’s a privilege.
The heavy young man curled on his left side is in the ER for a pain in his backside. The sweaty blue dragon on his chest smells like fear.
“It’s an abscess. I’ll have to open it. It’s gonna hurt.”
“Can you put me to sleep? I hate pain.”
I can. Should I? Remember Michael Jackson? I do.
His neck would make a Hereford bull proud; he’s missing a chin but he’s got a …
Can you put me to sleep? Why ER physicians have to say no.
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