An excerpt from The Mindful Therapist: An Interpersonal Neurobiology Approach to Healing and Wholeness, second edition.
Resonance is the coupling of two autonomous processes into a functional whole without losing the essence of each one. When we resonate with another person, we are changed by them but do not lose our essence in the joining. Resonance is not the same as mirroring or imitating. Resonance enables two differentiated elements of a system, such as an interpersonal relationship, to become linked as an integrative whole.
We [clinicians] come with the relational role of being a guide, perhaps, or a teacher, and in some ways an attachment figure: someone who provides a safe haven where the other can be deeply seen, soothed, and safe, the foundations of feeling secure. At other times, we are the expert on the mind, and perhaps on the brain and relationships too, and on the notion of health and unhealth, ease and disease. Yet our patients are also experts in their own right, deeply knowledgeable in other domains. Our patients are certainly expert in being themselves. No one else shares this distinctive skill base. Even without inner awareness, the people who are your clients are still the best “them” that they can be.
So we come as individuals, each with our own expertise, to find one another in this journey across time. Our job is not to be the one who knows everything, but the one who shows up and is present, attuned, and open for resonance with what is. As we join in this moment in the physical realm (making appointments to be in the same space at a given interval of the clock, our four dimensions highlighted in this 4-D approach to therapy), our nervous systems align their firing patterns as two sets of electrochemical entities phase shift into resonant couplings. We may come with differentiated plateaus and peaks, but we find ourselves sharing the plane of possibility as we invite resonance with our presence. This is how we experience the synergy of interpersonal synchrony. What this means is that at times our heart rates align, breathing becomes in sync, nonverbal signals emerge in waves that parallel each other, and in some cases shifts in EEG findings (electroencephalograms) and heart rate variability co-occur. The functions of our autonomic nervous system, balancing brake and accelerator in the coordination of heart and brain, become aligned as we resonate with each other. As we ride these somatic waves of resonance, within our mental life of awareness, attention, and intention, we may find a coupling of our mind’s degrees of probability along the 3-P diagram and feel joined as a We. In various research paradigms, this interpersonal synchrony has been shown to be important in the therapeutic alliance and engagement in psychotherapy as well as attuned attachment relationships. Synchrony is also a part of our experience of joining in larger contexts as we connect in our educational and parent-child relationships in life, as well as in the sharing of music and the arts. Studies reveal that the new obsessions with digital ways of interacting reduce the activation of important social and executive regions of the brain. These changes represent concrete physical and quantifiable ways as well as proposed probability shifts likely at work as two states resonate as one in synchrony and the loss of that synchrony in the digital world. As the digital world of connecting continues to become more and more prevalent in our lives with smartphones and AI, studies suggest we have less inter-brain as well as less neural synchrony within the brain itself, which affects how we experience problem solving and emotional equanimity. Internet use and screen time change our emotional state internally, and even having a smartphone out on a table during a discussion reduces the depth of our conversations with others.
Resonance can be felt internally as we look to the other and recognize evidence that the other is changed because of our own internal world. We see a tear forming at the edge of the other’s eyes as we have just told a sad story. We see the outrage in a person’s demeanor after we’ve described unfair and harsh treatment we have undergone. Letting our patients know that we feel their feelings enables them to feel felt. Sometimes our clients may be so distracted by their own state that it is helpful to gently open our own internal world to them so that what we genuinely feel inside is brought out in its expression. For example, if I am deeply moved by the recounting of some recent painful event, I may feel the weight of that experience inside but show it outwardly by placing my hand on my heart. It is crucial not to pretend to be present and resonant in this way, but rather to be sure that your presence is communicated, often nonverbally, through your attunement and your true resonance. Bringing the inside out is a fundamental part of our connection with one another.
Daniel J. Siegel is the cofounder of Mind Your Brain, the founder and director of education of the Mindsight Institute, founding codirector of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA), and an international conference speaker. He is a New York Times bestselling author whose books include Mind, The Mindful Therapist, The Mindful Brain, Aware, and The Developing Mind, and he is the founding editor of the Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology, with more than 1.4 million books sold.
A graduate of Harvard Medical School, Siegel completed his postgraduate training at UCLA, specializing in pediatrics and in adult, adolescent, and child psychiatry. He was trained in attachment research and narrative analysis through a National Institute of Mental Health research training fellowship, focusing on how relationships shape our autobiographical ways of making sense of our lives and influence our development across the lifespan. He shares updates on Instagram, X, Facebook, and YouTube.
