I did not need help. I could do it myself. I never asked, and anyone who worked with me quickly understood they did not need to offer.
This was my modus operandi. It was how I unconsciously organized my life, no more aware than riding a bike or tying my shoes. It happened in the background — utterly unknown to me for many, many years.
I could see “side effects” of this …
A physician goes from stressed to zen
“I can’t do this anymore,” Mary* said to me after morning rounds.
As third-year medical students, this could have been in reference to a number of things: 5 a.m. rounds, practice sutures, 14-hour days, the list goes on. Though I later learned Mary was simply referring to living.
An article recently published by JAMA showed depression or depressive symptoms among medical students was as high as 27.2 …
Why do medical students kill themselves?
I am a physician in recovery and just celebrated my fifth-year anniversary on October 11, 2017.
While in active addiction, my drugs of choice were benzodiazepines and opioids that I washed down with top-shelf alcohol. Near the end of my usage, I was diverting scheduled drugs in order to feed my addiction. After an unsuccessful suicide attempt, I finally admitted myself for treatment.
As part of the treatment process, I enrolled with …
What’s the cost of being a doctor in recovery?
A young woman stands in the freezing cold outside an urban Baltimore hospital. The woman, covered only by a thin hospital gown, moans incoherently at the man capturing her suffering on cellphone video. As seen on the now-viral video, she’d been left there by security personnel employed by the supposed place of healing just a few yards away. It hurts to watch.
Mass …
The truth behind that Baltimore patient dumping video
My classmate and I were walking back to the residents’ workroom when we realized one of the psychiatry patients was trailing along behind us. I glanced over my shoulder and found a very short gentleman in a patient gown walking just a little too close to me.
“Serena,” he said, smiling at me.
I looked at my classmate. We were on inpatient psychiatry, and he looked as nervous as I was. Our …
Scenes from a medical student’s rotation in psychiatry
Many of my readers do not know who Barry Goldwater was, let alone of the Goldwater Rule established by the American Psychiatric Association in 1973. The rule advises against psychiatrists commenting on the mental health of public figures they have not examined. Obviously, a psychiatrist or any physician who has treated a public figure is prohibited to offer any public comment unless he has been authorized by the patient to …
Diagnosing the president disrespects those who truly have mental illnesses
Another young doctor recently jumped to her death in New York City. She landed at the entrance of the building where she lived.
Within less than an hour, I received the following emails about her. All published with permission.
Hello Pamela, I am not a doctor, but a mother of 3 and a wife of a resident physician. Tonight I watched AGAIN the police …
A physician suicide: covered up with a tarp and silence
According to the American Psychological Association and the American Academy of Family Physicians, well over half of patient visits to primary care physicians are for mental health issues. So, as part of my book, I Have Been Talking with Your Doctor: Fifty doctors talk about the healthcare crisis and the doctor-patient relationship, I asked about mental health.
None of the doctor interviewees disagreed with the important role that …
You can’t separate mind and body in medicine
Anxiety is an epidemic. An estimated 40 million adults have symptoms of anxiety. America spends $42 billion a year on treatment of the condition. Women are 60 percent more likely to develop anxiety than our male counterparts. The average age of onset is 11 across genders. These numbers are terrifying to me as a clinician, a woman, and a mother.
But is there anything we can do to slow these statistics …
Deconstructing the anxiety epidemic
My car has one hundred seventeen thousand miles on it after just three and a half years. It has taken me back and forth from here to Atlanta more times than I can remember, to the beach, to the mountains I love to hike, and across the country in a seven thousand mile trip four falls ago. It runs well, just like new as a matter of fact. I have …
Ignoring your mental health is risky business
The specter of the psych ward looms large in popular culture: video games, horror movies, novels — the concept of a locked inpatient psychiatric ward is shorthand for a variety of terrors. This perception is driven by a complex cocktail of factors. Psych ward patients have struggled with historical and current abuses, which are compounded by misunderstanding and ignorance around mental illness.
During third year, I spent a six-week rotation in …
Lessons from the psychiatric ward
Ben diverts his eyes and wipes away tears, his typical stoicism and iron-willed suppression of emotion giving way to a sea of churning thoughts, feelings and memories. While visiting as his hospice social worker, we’d been talking about his impending death, walking it through in our minds from the time the funeral home arrived until he’s planted in the ground. We’d talked about death before, and he’d always been cool …
Sometimes there are no words. Not even a eulogy.
Then one courageous family writes this obituary. (This obituary was written by Rachel Dawson, his wife, with the blessing of his parents.) In it, they share how their son lost his battle with severe depression. How he adored his children. How he sacrificed fun, free time, and relaxation to receive his medical …
Surgeon suicide-homicide: What happened to Dr. Chris Dawson?
ADVERTISEMENT
Practicing medicine with all of its responsibilities often reminds me of a black hole. It seems each time something new is added it gets pushed into the vast vortex of the black hole, hidden from those around you and jumbled with everything you are expected to do.
People around you see the world as you present it. They rarely get a glimpse through the pinhole to the expansiveness that is beyond …
5 ways to get out of the physician burnout black hole
It’s just after six o’clock on a Sunday morning in December. The barn animals have fresh hay and warm water. My wife and the dogs are asleep. The cats are gathered around me as I sit down to write. One of them has jumped up in my lap and is pawing and clawing my jeans.
The fire is roaring in the wood stove, but the 1790 room is still cold. I …
It’s a shame so many doctors want to leave medicine
Every day, I see and hear physicians sharing and complaining about how burned out they are. However, I am struck by the fact that while we coach our patients to get help when they are suffering, sick, depressed or in a state of hopelessness, we refuse to follow our own advice. Furthermore as physicians, when presented with potential avenues to alleviate our pain and suffering, we find reasons to be …
8 reasons burned out doctors refuse help
Let’s talk about the cycle of abuse. No, I am not referring to the very serious issue of domestic violence. Instead, I am talking about the graduate medical education system. No one is a resident forever: the duration of each residency is predetermined with a wide range of three to nine years. The self-limited nature of this experience decreases the incentive for participants to advocate for changes. And the attitude …
End the resident physician abuse now
The question was recently posed on Twitter about how long it takes to recover from burnout, even when positive changes have been made. I have considered burnout from many angles, both personally and professionally, and had not really considered this question specifically before.
Physician burnout has come to the forefront of discussions in the medical community for both physicians and organizations. With burnout cited as impacting over 50 percent of practicing …
Can doctors recover from burnout?
I have good days and bad. Some days I am content, connected, focused, and motivated. On those days I enjoy my job, I enjoy the people I’m with, I am willing to be inconvenienced by interruptions.
On other days, not so much. I wake up as grumpy Rob and (despite multiple cups of coffee) the old codger doesn’t leave me alone. I keep score of all the ways in which life …
A doctor saved a patient’s life. Twice.
The senior psychiatry resident at the University of Washington School of Medicine warned me ahead of time. She laughed as she said, “He’s weird. You’ll get used to him.”
When I first met with him, the psychiatrist lazily spun in his chair, his left hand tucked into his pants, his thumb hanging out. After he told me his expectations as my supervisor, he patted my right thigh as he ended the …
#MeToo in medicine. This is one physician’s story.
Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.
